The XBand, The Trilogy that Wouldn't Die!
by EE's Skysong
Summary: The professor lets the band restart as long as they perform at a mutant rights rally in Washington D.C. However, they get lost, get seperated, and general insanity ensues. Featuring Xquests, Jottbashing, and random canon characters!
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: I'm going to take a leaf from Toddfan's book and put my zany quotes here, so I won't forget them. "You get the corresponding face with the corresponding emotion: happy, smile, sad, frown! I can't do it any other way!"

(An: I felt like doing a new X-band. So sue me. I'm gonna have fun with this one! Although it's probably going to be a good deal shorter than the others. I can't promise everyday updates, probably every other, but the chapters should be longer.)

As usual, the X-men were bored. They were sitting around, waiting for the professor to make his big "announcement".

A few minutes later, Xavier came wheeling out. He was looking pretty good for someone who had been twitching and screaming for his tinfoil hat a few days ago. "All right. Now, considering the lengths all of you have gone to revive the X-band without my knowledge, I've decided to be nice and let you remake it." Everyone looked as though they were about to burst into cheers. "A bup bup! Just a second. There's one condition. You have to play at a mutant-rights rally in Washington D.C."

"All right, let meh get this straight," said Rogue, who looked like she might start dancing around on the spot. "You want us to restart the band, go on a road trip, support not gettin' locked up or somethin', and we get publicity? We are so in!"

"I thought you'd say that," said the professor.

Everyone else ignored him. They were too busy partying and what-not.

A FEW HOURS LATER...

"Road TRIP road TRIP road TRIP!!!" This cheer was repeated over and over again by the overly hyper teenage members of the X-band.

"What have we gotten ourselves into?" Ororo asked, looking frightened.

"I'm beginning to wonder that myself, darlin'," Logan agreed.

"So, chere," said Remy, sidling up to Rogue. "Still got dat APLBPN?" (That stands for Abitrarily Placed Little Black Power Negater.)

"Is that General Pengy?" Rogue asked, pointing.

"PENGUIN! Get it away get it away!!!" Remy screamed. "Where is it?" he asked, from his position beneath a table.

"God I love doin' that," Rogue said, smirking.

"Penguin?! Where?" Beast shrieked, and attempted to climb up Ororo. He clung to her head. However, he was much taller than she was and both ended up tipping over.

"Ow..." said Ororo.

"I'm beginning to think this wasn't the best idea either," said the professor. Then he shrugged. "Oh well, can't be helped. Everyone in the bus!"

"You've been at the vodka again, haven't you," said Logan, shaking his head.

"Yep!" cried Xavier and cackled, making his wheelchair go in little circles.

"Oh Lord..." said Rogue.

Everyone got in the bus. Well, that's undercomplicating things a tad.

First, they had to confisticate several items, including: Pyro's lighters, and anything else that made something that even resembled fire, Gambit's bo staff, Pyro's stuffed penguin, Bobby's cell phone and something of his that vibrated that he denied owning, Pyro's pet squirrel, Logan's beer, Remy's beer, Rogue's beer, Pyro's beer... to save time they just took everyone's beer.

Xavier was sitting near the front in a little thingy that held his wheelchair in place. He was wearing a pimp-hat that he'd taken from Roberto and was grinning. He seemed to be humming the theme from "Starsky and Hutch."

The second problem was that his wheelchair came loose. Hank had just started the bus and somehow, he got out of his harness thing and went sliding backwards down the aisle of the bus. "Whee!"

The X-men didn't do anything to stop him, just turned to watch as he passed. Eventually he came to a stop at the end of the bus, where he sat, humming to himself.

"Ok, that was weird," said Ororo. "Should we strap him back in?"

"It's worth a shot," said Logan with a shrug. "Stop the bus Bobo."

Beast amiably stopped, and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel while Ororo and Logan tried to fix the professor's wheelchair. He was no help; he just cackled madly the whole time while the teenagers stared.

Well, not all of the teenagers, and that was the third problem. Rogue had stolen Pyro's stuffed penguin and was taunting Remy with it, by waving it in his face and squeaking it. "GET IT AWAY FROM ME!!!" Remy yelled, and ran down the aisle of the bus, where he huddled beneath the back seat. Rogue squeaked it one last time.

"You're, like, scaring me Rogue," said Kitty, who edged away. In response, Rogue squeaked the penguin at her. "Really."

Rogue just grinned and reclined in her seat.

"What is up with her?" Kitty wondered aloud.

That brings us to the fourth problem, the reason Rogue wasn't talking. Jean, in an OOC fit of anger, had taken away her power of speech. Rogue was quite cheerful, having projected an image of a naked Wolverine shaving his legs into her head. Jean was huddled in the fetal position. But of course no one knew Rogue couldn't talk, so her cheerful demeanor and penguin-squeaking were rather perplexing. (1)

Rogue grinned at the penguin. _Ah can't believe Ah'm enjoyin' this._

And, just to make it a nice number, the fifth problem was Pyro. He was bored. That was putting it lightly. He was bouncing in his seat and twiddling his thumbs. However, by his expression, that wouldn't satisfy him for long.

But, like Jamie, problems have a way of multplying, and these were no exception.

"Route 59, Route 59, where the hell is Route 59 (2)?" Logan asked, messing with the map.

"I think it's upside down," said Ororo.

"Mr. Logan, are we lost?" Jamie asked, peering over his shoulder.

"No, Squirt, we're perfectly fine," said Logan, but he had a nasty twitch under one eye.

"Well... are we there yet?"

"No," said Logan, and flipped the map. "Maybe this way's right."

"Now?"

"No," said Logan, not really paying attention.

"Now?"

"No."

This went on about six more times, until the increasingly frustrated Logan finally snapped.

"Now?"

"NOOOO!!!"

Jamie sat back down and began to cry... loudly.

-snikt-

That was enough to shut Jamie up for a minute or two, but then -smack- and seven Jamies grinned evilly at him. Children of the Corn-esque, they chorused in unison, "Are we there yet? Now now now now now..." ect.

"I'm doomed..."

Rogue shook her head and squeaked her penguin in a reassuring way at Logan.

(Ok... that was nuts... and sort of short... but I'm short on time so toodles... do review.)

(1) I watched the Little Mermaid last night 'cause I was uber-bored... therefore, speechless!cheerful!Rogue.

(2) Anyone who's read "Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix" will get this.


	2. It's Morph!, or Happy Meals are Devilspa...

Disclaimer: "Is a dungeon a cold dark scary place with bars on the windows and doors and really bad food?"

(An: Well, I forgot to beg for suggestions at the end of that last chapter. Bad me. So at the end of this one there's going to be a double. A Cute but Pyscho Bunny: That is without a doubt the longest and most entertaining review I've ever recieved. That's practically a story in itself! Captain Jack Sparrow! SAVVY is the best word evar. I kind of like Evan, but he's there and people requested that I torture him and I never deny a reviewer! Uh, the Ray/Rob killin' each other is picked up from All In the Family by Rogue Maverick. That was the first humor fanfic I read and it left a mark as you can tell. All of the stuff that I ended up doing in the first story was either requested or inspired by that. Chica De Los Ojos Cafe: It's kind of an injoke. There was this really good story I read called "De Penguins, De Penguins!" by AddieLogan where Remy had a phobia of penguins after Rogue dumped him in Antarctica. And then of course when my family dragged me to the zoo on holiday I saw a creepy penguin with red eyes. The idea is that comic!Remy's fear has leaked over to his other incarnations. RITR: Hi! -waves- Ooh, penguin squeaking! Pyguin art! Ooh! -claps in happiness- HH: Yes it was, but it was late and I had to go do my stupid Christmas program for my school so I needed somethin' to get my mind off it. I love my reviewers! -hugs them- And now the chapter!)

"We're lost, aren't we?" Ororo asked.

"Yes, we are," Hank agreed.

"WE AIN'T LOST!!!"

"Ooh, somebody's, like, in denial!" Kitty crowed. Rogue squeaked her penguin in agreement. "Are you ever gonna, like, cut that out?" Rogue just grinned.

Meanwhile, at the back of the bus, Remy was still cowering beneath the seat. "Dat penguin will be de death o' me..." he mumbled. Pyro, who was really bored now, went to the back of the bus to chat with his old Acolyte pal.

"So, Remy, whatcha doin'?"

"Hidin'," said Remy, huddling farther under the seat.

"Why?"

"Because Rogue's got an evil penguin dat's gonna kill us all."

"Oh," said Pyro, and gave up on the subject. He began bouncing up and down on the seat, nearly squashing Remy.

Kurt turned around in his seat and decided to go bug them since he too was bored and Kitty was too busy trying to figure out WTF was up with Rogue. Kurt hopped down the middle of the aisle and joined John on the one long back bus seat. "Whatcha doin'?" he asked Pyro, who was jiggling the handle on the emergency exit.

"Trying to open this stupid door," said Pyro. Piotr, as the last member of the Acolytes, felt it his duty to keep his eye on his.. ahm, less mature teammates.

"I wouldn't do that if-" he began, but too late! the door came open, and the three came flying out. In the way of things in a humor story, the door shut and latched itself after them. Piotr slid down in his seat, wondering whether he should inform the others or just let the three most troublesome X-men find their own way to D.C. After a moment's thought he decided to keep his mouth shut and time how long it took the others to find out.

Don't worry, we'll chronicle their adventures at the end of every chapter, but right now, it's time for a pit stop.

"I wanna Happy Meal!" Jamie shouted as they passed through the first town.

"Squirt, we've only been on this bus for an hour and a half," said Bobby.

"I'm still hungry!" He then made dupes of himself and began singing The Song That Never Ends at the top of his- er, their lungs.

Rogue was the only X-person that noticed that Remy, Kurt, and John were gone. She was bouncing up and down in her seat and squeaking her penguin desperately at Kitty. Kitty, who did not speak penguin, was utterly perplexed. "Do you want a happy meal too?"

-SQUEAK... squeak squeak- SQUEAK SQUEAK SQUEAK!- Translated, that means: "NO... well, yes- BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

Jubilee tapped Kitty on the shoulder. "What're are you guys yelling about?" she asked. She had a bit of a hangover from partying all night with Logan and Ororo.

"It's like she's trying to speak to me, I just, like, know it!" Kitty cried, pointing at Rogue.

Rogue squeaked her penguin at Jubilee. -Squeak squeak squeak squeaky?- "Do you speak penguin?"

"..."

The penguin gave a deflated kind of squeak. Rogue sat down with a humph. _Oh, well, it's not like it's any great loss..._

"THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS-"

"All right, all right, we'll stop for a Happy Meal!" Logan shouted (1). "JUST SHUT UP!!!"

Jamie drew his dupes back with a big smirk.

"Hank, get the squirt a Happy Meal!"

"Hey, I wanna Happy Meal!" said Tabby.

Choruses of "Me too!" were heard throughout the bus.

"Doesn't anyone want something healthy... like tofu?" Ororo asked, quasi-hopefully.

Crickets were now heard throughout the bus.

"Well, at least I tried... Hank, stop at the nearest death shop- I mean McDonalds," said Ororo, sounding defeated.

"Ok, that's a big ten-four there good buddy," said Hank.

"We need to take away his radio, don't we," said Ororo.

"Yes we do," Logan agreed.

After a bit of a hassle, they managed to get the X-bus to the drive-through at a McDonalds. "Yes, I'd like sixteen Happy Meals and a vanilla milkshake. No drinks," said Logan.

"Cool bus!" came a teenager's voice through the speaker. "Please, like, drive up to the second window!"

"That'll be $35.2-" -snikt- "Um... it's on me!"

"I love my claws," said Logan, grinning.

Rogue, really desperate now, accepted her happy meal and then began squeaking her penguin again. Kitty and Jubilee were amusing themselves by trying to understand her. "You want a different toy?"

Rogue shook her head. -Squeak squeak squeak, squeaky, squeak squeak squeak SQUEAK!!!- "The swamp rat, Pyro, and Kurt are GONE!!!"

Kitty and Jubilee shrugged, completely stumped. "Why don't you just tell us?" Kitty asked.

Rogue pointed at her mouth, then at Jean, who was still in a fetal position. Scott was attempting to feed her. It wasn't really working. To undercomplicate things again, she had a bunch of mashed up chicken McNuggets and fries on her face.

"Um..." said Kitty and Jubilee in unison.

Rogue strangled the air, then started banging her head against the seat.

"Doesn't that hurt?" Jamie asked through a mouthful of burger.

Rogue looked up, stared at him for a second, then went back to banging.

Jamie shrugged and started playing with his toy.

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, AND PYRO!

Remy blinked. He had no idea where he was, or why Pyro and Kurt were on top of him. The last thing he remembered was hiding from Rogue's Spawn of Satan (a.k.a. her penguin) and Pyro playing with the door handle... He sat up, shoving John and Kurt off him, and looked around. "Ok, we're lost, and John and Kurt are unconcious. Dis is bad." He looked around. He was on the side of the road, near a forest.

"Do you make it a habit to talk to yourself?" asked a guy leaning on a tree.

Remy looked around, startled. "Well, not usually no, but I'm lost and I got hit on de head pretty hard..."

"Ah," said the guy. "Lost, really." He gestured at the highway. "Follow the yellow brick road, then," he suggested.

"Y're no help," Remy said.

"Nope," said the guy. "It's fun to confuse travelers like yourself." He climbed the tree and grinned at Gambit.

"Dieu," Remy muttered. "I'm lost and stuck with a talking monkey."

"I am not a monkey," said the guy indignantly. He swung down from the tree and bowed. "My name happens to be Morph." (2)

"Good f'r y'," Remy snapped. "Dey could be miles from here by now," he groaned, sitting on the ground.

"Who's 'dey'?" Morph asked, imitating Remy's accent.

"De X-men," said Remy absently, now standing up and looking around.

"Ooh! Let me guess," said Morph. "Cut rate superheroes (3)? Almost anyone with a hyphen in their name is!"

"We are not cut-rate!" Remy replied.

"But you **are** superheroes," said Morph. He tapped his lips with a finger in thought. "Tell ya what. You let me come with, and I'll show you where your bus went."

"Y' mean y' saw it?"

"Yep. So... do we have a deal?"

"Sure, whatever," said Remy. "Now how in hell 'm I supposed t' wake dese two up?"

"That's easy!" said Morph cheerfully. "Just a moment." He dashed off into the forest, and returned with a bucket of water. He dumped it on the two unconcious X-men.

Pyro sprang up with a shriek. "AAH! Water! It's worse than sporks! GETITOFF GETITOFF GETITOFF!!"

Kurt blinked and then stood up. His inducer wasn't working thanks to the water. He looked around, saw Morph still holding the bucket, and walked a bit closer. He then shook himself somewhat like a dog, drenching him.

Morph blinked.

Pyro was still dancing around in the background, screaming about water and sporks.

"Shall we get goin' den?" said Remy, who had managed to stop laughing.

(Another chapter down. Now here's where I beg for suggestions: **_PLEASY PLEASY PLEASE!!! SUGGESTIONS OF RANDOM INSANITY! _** And again: **_SUGGESTIONS GIVE ME LIFE!!!)_**

(1) Anyone who knows which fic of mine this is from gets a bunny.

(2) It's Morph! I think Morph rocks, and he's going to sneak into a lot of my fics. -hugs mini-Morph-

(3) Anyone who recognizes where this quote comes from and why I had Morph say it gets a super bunny.


	3. Shelness gets a selfinsert, or Jamie's H...

Disclaimer: "No, it's not booby trapped, there is no homing beacon on it, Magneto is no trying to kidnap you or kill you, aliens will not be dropping in from the sky, and Mulder and Scully will not be interviewing you."

(An: Well, I have a quasi-plot for this... I say quasi because I only know how I want it to end. ACYPB: Oh I love your reviews! They always make me laugh! And yes, Morph is dead, but I don't wanna hear it 'cause I like him! HH: Morph rocketh! It's eventually to both questions... I don't really know when either, but Rogue's not gonna be able to speak until the last chapter. Sangofanatic: Oh, I love it! My first suggestion! I'm gonna use that! CDLOC: Um, I swear I didn't see your review! But I kind of accidentally copied it in this chapter. What fun! Actually, I'd appreciate it if I got some mute!Rogue suggestions.)

Kitty and Jubilee were now amusing themselves with Rogue again, having eaten their Happy Meals. Rogue ran to the back of the bus, and held up six fingers.

"Like, six words!"

Rogue nodded fervently. She then tugged on her ear.

"Um... sounds like?"

Rogue shook her head. She pulled on her ear again, and mimed a point.

Kitty and Jubes blinked back at her, utterly perplexed.

Rogue strangled the air.

"Death?"

Rogue shook her head. She then grabbed Bobby, and pointed at his blue shirt. She then tugged on her ear again.

"Blue?"

Rogue nodded, then tugged her ear.

"Um... Kurt!" Kitty guessed.

Rogue nodded fervently. She held up two fingers.

"Um, second word," said Jubes. "Two syllables?"

Rogue nodded. She then picked up her penguin, squeaked it, and mimed running away in terror.

"Oh, that's like easy. Hank!"

Rogue strangled the air again. She then mimed slapping someone, and squeaking the penguin again.

"Ohhh..." said Kitty and Jubes in unison.

"Is it, like, Remy?"

Rogue nodded, seeming pleased. She then walked over to the professor and pulled out Pyro's lighter and pet squirrel. Speaking of the professor, he had calmed down quite a bit, probably because Ororo had gotten tired of his weird laugh and had scorched his head with a bolt of lightning. Anyway, back to Rogue. She put the squirrel on her shoulder and mimed talking to it, then flicked open the lighter, and flicked it shut. Flicked it open, flicked it shut.... ect.

Kitty and Jubes just stared at her.

Rogue would have growled if she could speak at all, but she settled for gazing up at the bus roof and silently begging it for mercy. She flicked the lighter open, got a flame, and mimed maniacal laughter.

Kitty and Jubes still had blank stares.

_GODDAMMIT!_ Rogue screamed inside her head. She held the flame in front of Kitty's face and didn't even get a blink. _Are they drunk or somethin'?!_

She blew on the window of the bus, causing a fog to creep across it. She then quickly wrote "Pyro" on it.

"That's against the rules," said Jubilee, frowning. "But, Pyro, I guess."

Rogue nodded and held up four fingers, then one.

"Fourth word, one syllable," said Jubilee.

Rogue nodded again. She pretended to trip and fall on her ass.

"Fall?"

Rogue frowned.

"Fell?"

She nodded, then jiggled the handle of the emergency exit.

"Um, like, Remy, Kurt, and Pyro, like, fell out?"

Rogue lit up but Jubilee ruined it by replying, "Neh, that can't be it."

Rogue began to bang her head on the window. Then she perked up again. She held out her hand and mimed writing on it.

Kitty got that one right away and handed Rogue a notebook and a pen from her backpack.

Rogue gave her a thumbs up, then hastily scribbled something on it and handed it back.

Kitty cocked her head. "Arcak smizark prozecakt tiz hupei mie?" Translation: Ask the professor to help me.

Rogue strangled the air.

"Like, sorry Rogue, but I can't, like, read your writing."

Rogue slid down in her seat. _It's gonna be a loooong day._

Meanwhile, back in the front, Jamie was having... problems. "I need to go to the bathroom."

"Hank, stop at a gas station," Ororo instructed, stepping in before Logan could scream obscenities at the squirt. "We need gas anyway," she explained hastily to Logan.

Logan muttered something under his breath but didn't do anything.

Hank pulled up at a gas station and Jamie hopped out of the bus. He cautiously walked up to the bathroom. He opened the door, and ran back to the bus screaming, followed by a stamped of mutant cockroaches. He ran into Ororo and huddled by her, panting. "Calm down, child," said Ororo. "What's the matter?"

Jamie pointed at the mutant bugs that were tapping on the doors of the bus. "Ah."

Jamie squeaked and huddled under the seat. "I can't go back!"

"Why not, squirt?"

Jamie blinked up at him. "You didn't see. The bugs! The grafitti! They were gonna eat me!"

"All right squirt, how 'bout I come with you? I'll get rid of the bugs," said Logan with a snikt. He had the tone of a guy talking to a child about monster checks.

Jamie didn't look all that reassured, but he came out from beneath the seat anyway. "Well, ok..." He walked back out of the bus.

Logan opened the door. A single late mutant cockroach that was missing a leg came limping out. Logan quickly stomped it. "There, ya see? No bugs."

Jamie walked inside. "Logan, what does this word mean?" He pointed at something written on the wall which is too rude for the PG rating.

"I can't really tell ya that squirt... ask me when ya grow some hair on yer chest. Now do yer business so we can get out of here." Jamie did as he was told and Logan inspected the graffitti. "Is that... the mansion's phone number?"

A few minutes later, Jamie and Logan came back out, only to be ambushed by the bugs, enraged at the death of their comrades. "Heellllp..." But their cries went unanswered due to the general chaos in the bus. They were dragged off.

Meanwhile, on the bus, there was indeed general chaos. Ororo had done a head count and discovered that Remy, John, and Kurt were missing. There was a big argument going on as to whose fault it was.

Rogue was pointing at Piotr and mouthing 'he did it!', but no one was paying her any mind. She sat down in the seat next to him and tapped her wrist.

"Wh- Oh, it's been two hours and thirty seconds since they fell out," Piotr said, looking at his watch. He was rewarded with a lusty slap from Rogue, who stood up and walked back to her seat in a huff.

THE EVER CONTINUING ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO AND MORPH!

After a few hours of walking, Kurt stopped short. "Is that food I smell?"

"We ain't stoppin', mon ami," Remy snapped. "Eventually dey're gonna take a turnoff and we'll lose 'em!"

"Yes, but would you like to carry me when I pass out from calorie lack?"

"Merde," Remy muttered.

"If I could be of assistance, there's a diner in the city," said Morph, thumbing back behind them. "We can stop there, get some eats, and then move on."

"Sounds good ta me!" Pyro chimed in.

"Fine, but if we miss de concert and Rogue kills us y' guys get de blame," Remy muttered.

The diner was a little old-fashioned fifties style one, with a jukebox in the corner. Apparently Morph knew the owners, as he sat down at a table in the corner and leaned back in his seat as if he owned the place. The waitress came up and rolled her eyes. "Oh Lord, the thing brought friends!"

"Oh, come on, Shel-ness (1) you know ya missed me!" Morph replied.

She tapped her foot. "Can you blokes order or do I havta hum 'Yellow Submarine?'" the waitress asked, playing with her truly gigantic hoop earrings.

Morph straightened up. "No need for such tactics!"

"The usual, then?"

"Yep!"

"And... you, with the sunglasses, what'll you have?"

"Depends on what y' want t' give m', chere," Remy purred.

"Oh, great, flirty friends," she muttered. "Order or I'll get my whacking stick."

"Oh, come on, you two just met!" Morph protested.

Hi-my-name-is-Shelly tapped her foot in response.

"Fine, fine," said Morph. "Shutting up."

"I jus' want a soda, chere," Remy replied.

"Good fer you. What kind?"

"Mountain Dew, of course."

"Ooh, score one for the Cajun!" Shelly said. "And you, Aussie!"

"Er..." said the Pyromaniac. "How about a steady date?"

"That is it! I'm complaining to the manager about these fuckin uniforms!" Shelly snapped, slamming down her order pad. "They don't respect anyone over a B cup! (2)"

"You'd better respect the nice lady before she goes mental and puts Beatles tunes on the jukebox," said Morph.

"And just what's wrong with the Beatles?" Kurt asked.

"You haven't seen Shel-ness with 'em," said Morph, shaking his head. "Be afraid, be very afraid."

In response, Shelly smacked him upside the head. "You, the German with good taste."

"Three burgers, a large order of fries, and an MD," said Kurt, slamming shut his menu.

"Sehr gut," said Shelly, "but first you have to sign a waiver in case all that grease gives you a heart attack."

A few minutes later Shelly came back with the orders. Morph's usual turned out to be a veggieburger. "Ok," said Morph, "now I don't believe we've all been properly introduced. I'm Morph. You guys are...?"

Shelly leaned against the counter.

"Why don' y' sit down, chere?" Remy asked, as John and Kurt introduced themselves.

"I prefer to keep me underwear off public display, thank you!"

"And you are...?"

"M' name's Remy."

"So what's up with the whole 'concert' thing? Do you guys run a band?" Morph asked, nibbling his burger.

"We don' really run it, we jus' play in it. De problem is, John and Kurt are de drummers and I'm de lead guitarist, so it's a problem."

"Also, our leader is a psychopathical maniac!" John pronounced.

Remy smacked him. "Rogue is not!"

"Well, she's pretty close, then," John replied.

"Ooh, sounds like an interesting girl," said Shelly.

"And why do you care?"

Shelly shrugged. "I don't have anything better to do..."

"Ah."

"So, then, what's the story behind the band?" Morph asked.

Remy sipped the MD thoughtfully. "Ok, but first, y' have t' promise a willin' suspension o' disbelief."

"What?"

"Jus' hear me out before y' decide 'm crazy," Remy snapped.

"'K."

"Right, goes like dis," Remy began. "Couple o' months ago, we, as in de X-men we-"

"Hey, I saw you guys on the news!" Shelly broke in.

"Magnefique," Remy replied dryly.

"You're not gonna kick us out, are you?" Kurt asked, pausing in his binge to speak up.

"No way! That was the coolest thing I ever saw!"

"Well, that's a new way to look at it," Pyro quipped.

"You were saying?" Morph said, turning back to Remy.

"We got bored, see, so we decided t' start a band. After a whole mess wit' rehearsal and our chaperone goin' nuts- actually a helluva lot o' people went nuts- we got involved in the Battle of Bands, in Bayville. Since we got denied our prize- a record deal- when dey found out we were all mutants, de professor broke us up. Den we got bored again and Rogue- she's like de leader-"

"And Remy's current obsession!" Pyro chimed in.

Remy stomped on his foot under the table. "Do me a favor, mon ami, and shut up! Now, can I go on?"

"Do continue," said Morph.

"Well, Rogue got bored again and decided to restart it in secret. Deir was dis whole hassle o' tryin' t' keep it a secret, den dere was dis mess wit' Apocaroach- we'll not go into him 'cause I barely understand it m'self- and den deir was de t'ing wit' de author, which we'll avoid as well since y'all'd t'ink I was nuts. Anyway, we went t' Vegas, and dere was dis whole mess dere, and den we came back. De professor decided dat he'd let us keep de band on one condition- we went t' dat big t'ing in Washington D.C. for mutant rights. It was goin' fine 'til Rogue used m' unnatural fear o' penguins against me and Kurt and John got bored. Dey messed wit' de door on de back o' de bus, we fell out, and de rest y' know. So what's y'r power, Morph?"

"Power? Why would I have a power?"

"Because y' go by a codename and y're wanderin'."

"Right then. Well, I shapeshift," said Morph.

"Shoulda known," Remy muttered, clearly unimpressed.

"So, basically, you lot are tryin' to get to Washington before the concert and this sheila Rogue kills you?" Shelly asked.

"Um, yeah, that pretty much sums it up," Pyro agreed.

"Cool! Can I come?"

"NO!" Remy and Morph shouted.

"Why not? I've been meanin' to ask the owner of this joint for a holiday anyway, and I'm not blacklisted from the half the places in this area," Shelly retorted.

"Sounds good ta me," said Pyro, leaning back in his seat. "When do we leave?"

"In a moment," said Shelly. She walked over to the jukebox, pressed a few buttons, and then gave it a good solid whack. "Yellow Submarine" began pouring from the speakers.

"Argh! Let's get outta here!" Morph dashed out the door, then peeked back in. "You guys coming?"

(That was sort of long due to that last bit. Here's my beg for suggestions, as I'm certain to have problems, what with running three sides at once: PLEASE I NEED SUGGESTIONS TO **LIIIIIVE!!!**)

(1) This character is based on my best friend Shelly, who I meant to but didn't put in the self-insert part of the second X-band. Now she gets a cameo, and probably cool mutant powers as well.

(2) It's sort of an injoke... Shelly has... well I don't really remember but she's got like a C cup or somethin', and she tends to complain about guys hitting on her for that. Since I stuck her in I felt obligated to make a crack about that.


	4. Rogue's bottomless pit, or the return of...

Disclaimer: "It's like I'm talking to a monkey. A big stupid monkey named Kronk."

(An: Here we go again... Right, then, I'm going to be more specific in my bid for suggestions: I don't need help with the Rogue-not-talking thing (although I am going to use the suggestions for that) or Gambit's offroad adventures, but I do need help with Jamie and Logan's adventues with the cockroaches. I know what I want to do with them in this chapter but beyond that... SF: Um, well, there's just one problem with that: Jamie and Logan got dragged off by the mutant cockroaches, 'member? But what if I have Sam do it? Yeah, in this X-band, I'm gonna devote more time to the ones I ignored... HH: Are you insinuating that I might need the nuthouse? That's not polite! ACBPB: Give me a way to torture Jott and I will fulfill. And I've seen almost all of the eps with Morph and I think he rocks because he's the only X-men who had a cheerful disposition. For a while, anwyay. -fumes at evil writers to make Morph evil- Di: Um, how 'bout this: I make you one of the mutant rights ppl at the concert? TheGambit23: I didn't get the whole wormhole thing... although it did sound interesting. Explain it to me and then maybe I can use it. But I'll use the charades thing. A note regarding charades: When there's, like, likes in the sentence, it's Kitty. When there's not, it's Jubilee. Seems like I've built up more of a following for this odd little fic than I thought.)

Rogue was panicing just a little. Once again, she was the only one to notice that Logan and Jamie were gone. She walked over to where Kitty and Jubilee were sitting.

"Like, hey Rogue, wanna play charades again?"

Rogue nodded, resigned to her fate. She held up five fingers.

"Five words... ok."

Rogue held up one finger and then two.

"Like, first word, two syllables. Cool."

Rogue looked around for a second, then pulled some knives out of her backpack (don't ask why they were in there; they're just a plot device) and put them between her fingers, so they looked like they were coming out of her knuckles. She then mimed growling.

"Um... like, tiger?"

Rogue shook her head.

"Ok, then cat?"

Head shake. Rogue put down the knives and tapped her lips as she thought. Then she pulled a stuffed hamster (ditto) out of her backpack and put it on her shoulder. She mimed hugging and kissing the little creature. She then put the knives back and mimed being angry (not that she had to do much).

"Er..." said Kitty and Jubes in unison, utterly confused.

Rogue rolled her eyes and dropped the knives and hamster. She then pulled a photo album out of her backpack (_deus ex machina_ ringin' any bells?) and tapped the picture of Logan she kept near the front.

"That's against the rules too..."

Rogue responded by smacking Jubilee about the head with her book.

"Ow... but Logan I guess..."

_Gawd, what genius!_ Rogue thought, her sneer evident. She held up two fingers and then squeezed her fingers together.

"Second word, little word," Jubilee translated.

Rogue nodded, then held her fingers up like a cross.

"Religion?"

_How is that little?! Oh, wait... she's probably drunk. Fergot._ Rogue shook her head.

"Oh! It's, like, and!"

Rogue nodded. Then she held up three fingers, then two.

"Third word, two syllables."

"Where did you, like, learn all this crap about charades anyway?"

"Er... it involved Logan and a lot of vodka... that's all I'm sayin'."

Rogue tapped her foot.

"Like, sorry Rogue. Go on, go on."

Rogue rolled her eyes. _Ah seem ta be doin' that a lot lately. Ah wish Ah had a bettah way o' communicatin', but fer now..._ Rogue stepped out into the middle of the aisle, and stood on her knees, so she was a good foot shorter. She then smacked herself.

"Er... Munchkins?"

Rogue shook her head. _Close, but not quite..._ Rogue pointed at Jubilee, then back at herself.

"Like, mutant?"

Rogue shook her head. Her patience was fast running out. She stood up, then mimed tripping.

"Klutzy?"

_Ditto..._ She held a hand out, miming shortness, then tripped herself again.

"Um... like, Jamie?"

Rogue nodded, then blinked. _Lucky guess, Ah suppose..._ She then held up four fingers and then one.

"Fourth word, one syllable."

Rogue tugged her earlobe.

"Sounds like..."

Rogue pointed upward and flicked her fingers outward.

"Um.... sparkly?"

Rogue shook her head. _Ok, star's too hard..._ She pulled an eyepatch out of her backpack (ye gods, it's the bottomless pit personified!) and put it on. She then mimed saluting, and stuck her face real close to Jubes'.

"Uh..."

"Like, pirates?"

Rogue nodded, then mimed speaking.

"Er..."

She pointed at the eyepatch and then mimed speaking again.

"Are!"

Rogue nodded, smiling somewhat. Then she looked around wildly, and underneath the bus seats. She stood up with a puzzled expression on her face.

"Oh, I know!" said Sam, who had been watching this whole exchange. "Logan and Jamie are gone!"

Rogue threw out her arms but Jubilee, ever the disbeliever, shook her head. "Don't be stupid Sam."

Rogue picked up her book again and gave Jubilee a good hard smack, effectively knocking her out. _Oops._

THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!!

Logan blinked. He was tied up, but that was no problem. A snikt and he was free. He tumbled to the ground. "Where the hell am I?" He saw Jamie next to him, tied to a stake. He cut him free, and noticed that he'd been tied to a stake as well. "What-?" The last thing he remembered was being taken by those mutant bugs...

Jamie woke up, and blinked. "Mr. Logan?" he asked, sitting up. "Where are we?"

Logan sniffed the air. "That's what I'm trying to figure out, squirt."

Suddenly there was a scrabbling. Logan let out his claws, and then the lights came, revealing that they were on a stage, surrounded by the mutant cockroaches. "Uh-oh..." said Jamie.

The cockroaches began to chant. "Sue ANna Sue ANna Sue ANna!" (1)

"Oh no..." said Jamie and Logan in unison.

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, PYRO, NIGHTCRAWLER AND MORPH!! (and Shelly)

Shelly came walking out of the diner in normal clothes, stuffing the abhorrent uniform into her backpack.

"Why are you keeping that if you hate it so much?" Kurt asked.

"I want to burn it, or- or crucify it or stake it- something! to protest the precious minimum-wage hours that I spent in it that I WILL NEVER GET BACK," Shelly replied.

"Oh great, you sent her into rant mode," Morph muttered.

In response Shelly threw a fry at his head. "You shut up."

"Why do you two know each other so well?" Kurt asked. He was the only one interested.

"Eh, well, the diner doesn't get much business 'cept for him 'cause he's the only one we've met who's resistant to the veggie burger. He's not dead yet but we're still placing bets."

"Ah shuddup," Morph muttered.

"Come on, come on," said Remy. "Which way did dey go?"

Morph frowned, then shape-shifted into a wolf and trotted off down the side of the road.

"Well, he may be an idiot, but he sure is handy," said Pyro.

"Yep," said Shelly.

Morph gave an annoyed bark.

"Yeah, yeah, we're comin'!"

(That was shorter than usual, I know, and late, I know, but I'll try for a longer, speedier chappy tomorrow. Next chappy: The X-people leave some more friends behind and try to find their friends, Jamie and Logan have an encounter of the truly weird and random kind (a.k.a. one involving Sue Anna), and Remy, Kurt, John, Morph and Shelly stop at a bar to try and find a place to stay. I NEED SUGGESTIONS FOR: Jamie and Logan's adventures, and something other than Rogue's charades. I don't need help with Remy's stuff or whatever.)

(1) If you don't know who Sue Anna is you must've not read "The X-band Part Deuce" and then you're missing something... and I'm not gonna bother summarizing so I suggest you go back and read it or you will be MAJORLY confused... well, hell, you're gonna be that already, but you'll be even more confused anyway. Also you won't get the hamster bits.


	5. Cockroach Gods and Repeat Jokes, or the ...

Disclaimer: "What's that old hag got in her hands? Is it a gold statue? No... It's BANANAS?! Ow ow ow! I think she used to work at my school cafeteria..."

(An: Well, here we go again. Well now this is gonna be fun... Di to the rescue: You like coming up with odd but recognizable aliases for yourself, don't you? Oooh, drunken!Jamie and irresponsible!Logan... I won't be able to use that for a while prolly though... remind me o' it whenever I free Jamie and Logan... CDLOC: No. I wouldn't submit -Rogue- to that kind of torture... maybe... oh now I know how I can use it! You enjoy the prospect of Rogue torture, don't you? And of COURSE the cockroaches want TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION, this is Apocaroach we're talking about here! SF: I don't believe it. Here I was thinking that everyone but me absolutely LOATHED Sue Anna (tm)! Speaking of, you forgot the (tm). She is a legally trademarked doomsday device you know. And I only like her 'cause she was an APPD (All Purpose Plot Device). And I do agree with you. ACBPB: Well, I do support Jubby but not particularly; the only thing that this fic is absolute in is ROMY. I was gonna do that anyway, but now I'm gonna use the word "kajillion" because it interests me. Logan and Sue Anna? I was gonna reintroduce Rodna... but now I can do both! -laughs evilly- I'm so mean to Logan. It's fun! HH: No, not really. It's just bus comic relief because I can't think of anything else... Once again you ppl read my mind! Except it was gonna be a hamster god... but close enough! I'm so happy now because usually I can only count on ETA for suggestions... speaking of, where'd she go? But anyway, now I'm getting them from like everyone so I'm cheerful.)

ON THE X-BUS...

It was about five in the afternoon and it was chaos as usual on the X-bus. Everyone had just noticed that Logan was gone because nobody knew which turnoff to take. Logan being the one with the map, everyone had turned to where his seat was... to discover he was gone.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap," Ororo muttered.

"At least we've still got the map," Hank said, in a continuing attempt to be cheerful.

"Yes, but no one but Logan even vaguely understood it," Ororo pointed out.

"Maybe we are in trouble," Hank agreed. "At the very least do we know where we're staying?"

Both adults blinked.

"Oh Goddess we're doomed..."

"I know the name!" Kitty cried.

"You do?" Ororo asked. Hank probably would've joined her but he was driving.

"Yeah! It's... um... gimme a sec..."

"We **are** doomed," Hank said after a second.

"It had a number in the name, maybe seven? Nine? Fourty-two?"

Since Kitty's probably going to be a while, why don't we check up on Jamie and Logan?

THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!

"**_Puny mortals! Bow before the greatness that is SUE ANNA (tm)!"_** cried one of the roaches, standing up. "**_And... some hamster."_**

"Mutant roaches," Logan muttered. "Economy sized." (1)

"Mr. Logan? What's going on?"

"I dunno squirt but I doubt it's gonna be pretty..."

It wasn't... unless you're the type to go for bug-on-a-weasel-ball doomsday devices. Yep, rolling from the shadows came **Sue Anna** (tm). She held up a sign that said, "Hello you pathetic mutants you."

"What do you people want with us?" Jamie asked, cocking his head. (He didn't really understand **Sue Anna** (tm) having not really been involved with that whole mess...)

"**_Do not insult us by calling us people! We are roaches! And we serve the great SUE ANNA (tm) and her hamster attendants!_**" Yep, it was Apocaroach. Go figure.

A hamster and a bunch of little hamsters stepped out from behind **Sue Anna** (tm). They were all wearing little headbands and loincloths.

Logan (who was getting very fed up with all of this) was just about to snap out his claws and get to the bug-squashing when he saw the hamster. "Rodna! What're you doin' here my hamstery love?!"

The hamster in question squeaked and hid behind **Sue Anna **(tm).

**Sue Anna** (tm) held up another sign. This one was directed at Rodna. "You know this creepy mutant freak?"

To everyone's surprise (except Logan's) Rodna spoke. "It's a long story, mistress."

Another sign. "So is everything. The condensed version, if you please?"

"Er... well to make a long story short, Logan-met-me-and-became-obsessed-so-he-follows-me-around-saying-he's-in-love-and-crap."

A third sign. "Okaaaay..."

"I said it was a long story..."

"Uh, 'scuse me," said Jamie. "Are you guys gonna do something or can we leave?"

"Shut up squirt!" Mesmeroach snapped. (You could tell it was him because of the tatoos all over his roachy face.)

"**_Hey! It's MY job to intimidate the puny mortals!"_**

"Sorry sir."

"Rodna?" Logan repeated, clearly still in shock.

"Eh heh heh, hello Logan..."

"**_So are we going to sacrifice them, o powerful one?"_**

**Sue Anna** (tm) held up a sign again. "Yes, yes, we'll get to that; don't worry."

"Somehow, I don't feel much better," Jamie mumbled. "Mr. Logan? Can we squash the bugs?"

Logan was too interested in Rodna to answer.

"I'm doomed..."

ON THE X-BUS, A GOOD HALF-HOUR LATER...

"Like! I remember!"

Ororo perked up from where she was banging her head against the seat. "What was it?"

"Super 8!"

"Hey, we passed one of those a few miles back!" Bobby commented.

"Oh Goddess... Hank, stop at a gas station and turn around."

"Doesn't anyone say 'please' anymore?"

"Hank, I've been banging my head against a seat for a good half-hour or so. I'm not exactly of a mind to be courteous!"

"Riiight."

"Just stop, PLEASE."

"Now, was that so hard?"

"Do remember Hank, I've got weather powers." -KRACKABOOM!-

"Er... pulling over miss weather-witch-goddess-ma'am."

"Much better."

So they pulled over. Several teens (Rahne, Sam, Scott, Jean (2) and Amara, to be more precise) got out to go to the bathroom. In the way of fanfic madness, they got left behind, and of course, no one but Rogue noticed. When she did, she leaned her head against the nice cool glass and began to sob quietly.

"Wow, like, Rogue must be kinda upset. Wonder if she, like, misses Remy," Kitty said to Jubilee.

Rogue groaned (well, mentally anyway) and slid down in her seat. _Just kill me now... _

After the bus drove off, the group of left-behinds gathered together. "What're we gonna do now?" Sam asked.

"Jean, why don't you contact the professor?" Amara suggested.

Jean didn't answer. She was making out with Scott.

"Ok, that puts them out of our assets for a while," Sam commented.

"We're doomed," Rahne mumbled.

"I'd suggest that we look on the bright side," Sam said, "but quite frankly there isn't one."

"Too true," Rahne agreed. "Well, I guess we'd best start walking."

"What about them?" Amara asked, with a nervous look over her shoulder at Jott.

"They're just going to be tortured by the author anyway. Don't worry about it," Sam advised.

"So which way is D.C.?" Amara asked.

"Er..."

"We **are **doomed."

Back on the bus, Rogue was taking mental inventory. _Ok, we're short one fearless leader, one manager (not that we really care but it's good ta know), both drummers (what the hell are we gonna do without them?! ... besides party), a guitarist (Ah can cover for the swamp rat but it still sucks), two backup singers (Good Lord we're doomed) and a male backup. Oh yeah, and our DJ. _Having made official note of that, she began to bang her head against the window.

"Doesn't that hurt?" Jubilee asked.

Rogue let her penguin talk for her. -Squeak squeak squeak squeak, squeak squeaky! Squeak squeak squeaky squeak squeakity squeak squeaky squeak squeak squeaky squeak!- Translation: "Of course it does, you idiot! But it's better than having to deal with this!"

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)

"Well, it's getting kind of late," said Shelly. "Should we try and find somewhere to stay?"

"Fine," Remy muttered. "But we've only got two days t' get t' de concert."

"Yeah, we know mate," said Pyro, slinging an arm around his friend's shoulders, "but at the least when Rogue kills us we'll all die together."

"She sounds like a **wonderfully** charming young woman, I assure you," Morph added.

"Y' shut up."

"So where should we stop?" Kurt asked.

"There's a little bar/hotel thingy up ahead a bit," Morph suggested.

"How do y' know all dis crap?" Remy asked as they headed off.

"Well, ever since my parents kicked me out, I made it a point to know all the cheap spots to stay," Morph replied.

"Cheap isn't going to help us," Kurt interjected. "We don't have **any** money, remember? All of our stuff's back on the bus."

"Oh shit."

"So maybe we can sneak in," John suggested. "Gambit can break us in!"

"Yeah, sure, I could try," Remy said, "but I'd need some spare time..."

"Hey look, they're having live amateur performances," Shelly said, pointing at the sign on the diner. She was completely oblivious to what was going on with the others.

"Perfect..." said John, Remy, and Kurt in unison.

They walked inside. The stage was empty, since it was late. The bar was mainly populated with drunks now, passed-out and otherwise.

"All right, here's de deal," Remy whispered to the others as they walked up to the manager. "Y'all keep de people busy while I convince de manager t' give us a room, _d'accord?"_

"You're not going to threaten them, are you?" Shelly asked.

Remy smirked as he took off his sunglasses. "'Course not. All it takes is a little Cajun charm. Now y' guys go up dere and sing." He walked up to the bartender and the others huddled in a group.

"Ok, do we know any songs?" Kurt asked.

"Er, I only know one," said Morph as everyone looked at him. "It's kind of nutty too..."

"Well, we're desperate. Can you sing it?"

"Yeah, sure... Pyro, Shel-ness, common... for this song we need a bit of preperation..."

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

Morph, John, and Kurt came on stage, and they stood up in front of the mic. The drunks who weren't unconcious turned to them, half-interested. "Er, all right..."

They cleared their throats, then began the song.

"We are the Pirates who don't do anything

We just sta-ay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything-" Kurt took it,

"We'll just te-ell you, we don't do anything!"

Morph took it now. "Well... I've never been to Greenland and I've never been to Denver and I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul- GASP- And I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa and I've never been to Boston in the fall!"

They all sang again. "We are the Pirates who don't do anything

We just sta-ay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything-" now Pyro took it,

"We don' do anything!" (3)

Pyro kept on singing. "And I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poopdeck and I never veer to starboard 'cause I never sail at all and I never walked the gangplank and I've never owned a parrot and I've never been to Boston in the fall!"

You get the idea, don't you? "'Cause we're the Pirates who don't do anything

We just sta-ay home and lie around

And if you ask us to do anything-" they all kept singing,

"We'll just tell you, we don't do anything!"

Now Kurt took it again. "Well I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping-pong and I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall! And I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten headlice and I've never been to Boston in the fall!" Morph and John were now staring at him.

The music stopped. "Huh?" Morph asked. "What are you talking about? What does a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a Pirate?"

"Hey, that's right!" Pyro agreed. "We're supposed to sing about piratey things!"

"Oh!"

"And who's ever kissed a chipmunk!" Morph added, then turned to the crowd. "I mean really. Who here has kissed a chipmunk?" Crickets from the crowd. "See what I mean?" he asked, turning back to Kurt. "I mean, that's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?"

"I think you look like Captain Crunch," Pyro replied solemnly and totally seriously. (3)

"Huh?! No I don't!"

"Do too."

"Do not."

"You're making me hungry."

"That's it! You're walking the plank!"

"Says who? Do we even have a plank!"

"Irrelevant! I'm the captain!"

"Oh yeah?! Aye aye, Cap'n CRUNCH!"

"Arrgh!" Morph began to chase John around the bar, while Remy kept on shmoozing (sp?) with the bartender and Kurt went on singing.

"And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a stink bug and I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball! And I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in plaids-"

Morph stopped in his chasing of Pyro to stare. "You just don't get it."

Pyro and Morph stopped trying to kill each other long enough to sing, "And we've never been to Boston in the fall!"

Shelly had been watching all of this from the bar. As the guys headed back she nearly fell off her stool laughing. "Oh my GOD that was funny!"

"How's Gambit doing?" Kurt asked.

"Seriously, what was up with the chipmunk thing?"

"Got us a room!" said Remy. "And dat's lessee..." Remy pulled out a little book. "Got fifteen more numbers for m' little black book."

"I thought you were obsessed with this 'Rogue' girl," Morph pointed out, spinning around on his stool.

"It a status t'ing," said Remy.

"Let me guess, you are a secret member of a society that uses the number of girl's phone numbers they've collected to make a sacrifice to the bayou or something," said Shelly, sipping a beer.

"How'd y'- wait, where'd you get de beer?"

"Funny how much free stuff you can get if you bend over in that uniform," said Shelly.

Morph grabbed the keys to the room and went to check it out.

"We'd better follow him so he doesn't lock us out," Shelly commented.

"Who cares?! There's alcohol!" the other guys chorused.

"You've all done this before haven't you?"

"Yep," they agreed as they raided the bar.

"Where's the bartender anyway?" Shelly askes, spinning to face them.

"He wasn't susceptible t' m' empathy so I smacked him over de head wit' m' bo staff and stole his keys."

"Good strategy."

(Well, that was late, but it was longer and I hope funnier. Do review with suggestions, especially for the bus-capades, Jott torture, and the whole thing with the newbies. Also, if you want a bit-part as a mutant, I need: your basic physical description, your personality (summed up), desired powers, and favorite curse exclamations. You won't get as big a part as Shelly 'cause that was a RYID (random yet irrevocable decision) and she's just fun to tease.)

(1) Quoted from the TAS ep I happened to turn on while writing that bit. Funny how things work out.

(2) They're only left behind for torture reasons of course.

(3) This is a joke because Mr. Lunt sings this song and that's the part I had Pyro play in Mutants and Vegetables Just Don't Mix... eh maybe not so much if you've never heard the song. And also I just found out that Lunt's Cajun so I should've put Remy in for that... that sucks.


	6. The Chihuahua song, or more fun with stu...

Disclaimer: "You are a member of a secret government society that polices and controls alien activity on Earth." "There is a free mental health clinic at the corner of 3rd and Oak."

(An: Well, here we go again... I'm barely awake so this should be interestin'... ok here goes nuttin. ACBPB: Oooh! Forge! I like Forge! A spider cult that worships monkeys? Now THAT'S insane... I'm so using it. Planet of the Apes II? COOL! I'll stick you in... somewhere but it probably won't be soon... SF: Chex Mix? Ooh, I love Chex Mix! CDLOC: It was "The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything" theme song. It was weird and nuts so I thought it would be perfect for here! HH: -blinks- Okaaaaaay.... They're the X-men! It's what they do... and anyway it's "in the way of fanfic madness". It's like sitcom madness except worse because there's no pretense of a plot to keep it stable. I swear in French all the time... heh heh I taught all the little kids "merde"... prolly gonna get in trouble for that eventually but I will stick you in before they haul me off to the looney bin... I think. Rage-girl-05: Yes, I've noticed your reviews popping up... And I didn't even realize that about the penguin! -cackles delightedly- Goes to show how long it's been since I watched it... Everyone notices the spork thing... what is up with that? I like to do Jott torture and everyone else enjoys it but the second didn't really have much... anyway it's humor section so I'm not allowed to do any full-out Romyness just hint at it and crap but I have a lot of Romy fics in my favorites list and -cough-even some I've written -cough-. Yeah I'm making him a little naive but that's because it's fun.)

BACK ON THE X-BUS...

It was pretty late- about 10 in fact- and the X-men had finally found their hotel... as usual I'm undercomplicating things. To make a long story short, they went through three different Super 8's which were all in the same basic area to discover that neither was the one they wanted and that they had to drive another hour and a half to get to the one they had reservations at. (1)

The Super 8 they finally found... well to be frank it sucked. The beds were as hard as rock, cousins of Jamie's mutant cockroaches existed in the bathrooms and hissed whenever someone tried to turn on the light, the TV's only got three channels and the lights required a smack beneath their section of wall to work.

The room listings went as such:

In Room 105 would've been Rahne and Amara, and since no one claimed that room that made everyone notice that they were missing.

In Room 106 would've been Sam and Bobby, but since Sam was gone Bobby got the room to himself. Needless to say he didn't celebrate over this like he would've considering the horrid room.

In Room 107 would've been Scott and Rob, but since Scott was gone Rob got the room to himself... Rob did celebrate since he didn't have old stick-up-the-bum to deal with.

In Room 108 was Rogue and Kitty. Kitty was enjoying herself with watching Rogue slowly freak out as she began to realize the repercussions of this.

In Room 109 was Jubilee and Tabby. Their room probably wouldn't survive the night.

In Room 110 would've been Remy and John, but since they were gone they just sent all of the mutant cockroaches in there.

In Room 111 would've been Kurt and Ray, but you get the idea, don't you.

Hank got Room 112 to himself, since Logan was missing, and the others got lumped into the largest room at the end of the hallway.

THE ADVENTURES OF CANNONBALL, WOLFSBANE, AND MAGMA!

"Ok, why don't we ask the people back in the gas station to help us?" Rahne suggested.

"Ok... Amara, you do it," said Sam.

"Why must I mingle with commoners?"

"Because I have to go to the bathroom, and- where'd Rahne go?"

Rahne had changed into wolf-form, and was sniffing the ground.

"Hey! Rahne!"

Rahne jerked up her head and barked.

WHAT SAM SAID: "Did you pick up the others' trail?"

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "Blah blah blah blah blah blahy blah."

Rahne barked again.

WHAT RAHNE SAID: "Wait just a second while I go squash this mammoth buggy."

WHAT SAM HEARD: "Woof!"

WHAT SAM SAID: "I'll take that as a yes... come on Amara."

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "Blah blah blah blah blah blah... blah blah Amara."

Rahne gave a doggy shrug and walked off, still with her nose to the ground. Sam and Amara followed. After a few minutes it became apparent what she was tracking. "Oh. My. God. What the heck is that?!" Amara cried, hiding behind Sam.

"Girls are such... babies?"

WHAT RAHNE SAID: "I said I had to squash the buggy!"

WHAT SAM AND AMARA HEARD: "Woof!"

Rahne turned back into human form and stared down the truly gigantic goggle-wearing (2) spider that was leering at her.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "Yo dudes!"

WHAT THEY HEARD: "HISSSS!!!"

"I said I had to squash the bug," Rahne repeated. She went lupine (that's the halfway form), jumped atop the spider, and began gnawing on its head.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "Hey, neat trick! That tickles! I'm so bringing you guys to my party!"

WHAT SAM AND AMARA HEARD: "HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSIIIISSSSHHHH!!!"

WHAT RAHNE HEARD: "BLAAAAAAAAHHHHHAAAAALLLLBBB!!!"

The spider used the little arm-thingies in front of its mouth to scoop up Sam and 'Mara, and then headed off.

"That is the LAST time I take directions from a dog," Amara muttered, trying to power up so the thing would drop her.

Rahne gave up on the bug squashing and turned human again, panting. "Hey, this is actually a pretty nice view! And I'm a WOLF, thank ye very much!"

AT THE SUPER 8...

Bobby, out of extreme boredom (the only show the TVs picked up that wasn't news was really old episodes of "The Drew Carey Show"), headed down to the pool, followed by Rob, Ray, and a slightly fried looking Tabby and Jubes.

The pool was the vague size of the aisle on the X-bus, squashed somewhat, with suspiciously warm water. There was another teenager in there, who spoke only Spanish. He and Rob got on well enough, and after a few minutes of splashing around, Bobby challenged him and Rob to a game of basketball, pointing at the hoop that was dangling over one side of the pool and the slightly soggy ball.

"I'm gonna open up a can of whoop ass on you two!" Ray shouted, since it was Ray and Bobby vs. Rob and the Spanish guy.

The Spanish guy leaned over to Rob. _"¿Qué él dijo?"_(What did he say?)

_"I'm que va a abrir la lata de a de_ WHOOP ASS!" (3) Rob translated.

The Spanish guy nodded. "Ah, _si."_

IN ROGUE AND KITTY'S ROOM...

"Ok," said Kitty, who had a notebook in her lap, "let's, like, see who we've got left. We have two bassists, one regular guitarist, our lead singer/guitarist, our keyboard player, one back-up singer, both genders... we're like doomed. If we lose any more, like, people in the next two days we're gonna, like, die."

Rogue nodded, looking depressed. She squeaked her penguin sadly. Even Kitty got the translation of "We're doomed."

BACK TO WOLFSBANE, CANNONBALL AND MAGMA...

Rahne jumped off the spider. "Where are we?"

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "The almighty spider temple! Home sweet home, yo!"

WHAT THE OTHERS HEARD: "hIIIISSSssssSSS yo!"

"Uh, we'll take your word on that," Sam said with a slow nod.

The 'almighty spider temple' was a large, Aztec-esque building with spider paintings all over it. The spider chattered cheerfully away while leading them through it. The X-group nodded at what they hoped were the right spots throughout.

The spider stopped at a large, open room, where a bunch of spiders were dancing.

"It's like a giant rave pit," said Sam.

"But with spiders," Rahne agreed.

WHAT THE SPIDER SAID: "I gotta go DJ now. Go party, yo!"

WHAT THE OTHERS HEARD: "HisssSSSdjssssssshhh yo!"

"That's not the weird part," said Amara. She pointed across the room, where there were two, large, guilt thrones. "That is! Look!"

Seated on said thrones were monkeys. Big, brown monkeys. They were bobbing their heads to the music.

Hesitantly the X-group approached the pit. The spider who'd been talking to them went over to the turntable, put on a pair of headphones, and started a record. Very odd lyrics started pumping through the room. What lyrics you ask? These lyrics!

Chihuahua! x4  
Oh, Chihuahua!  
I'm walking in the street  
And the moon shine's bright  
A little melody keeps feeling on my mind tonight  
I gotcha!  
It's the song about Chihuahua  
Yeah, that's cool alright  
It was fun  
And a life without sorrow  
Feels young  
And when you think about tomorrow  
Say YO!  
When you're about to freak out  
Just go and then shout it out loud  
Chihuahua here  
Chihuahua there  
Everybody wants it everywhere  
Sing it loud  
And life can be so easy  
What can make you move, Chihuahua  
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua  
What can make you dance  
Oh Chihuahua!  
What can make you sing Chihuahua  
Take it and you win Chihuahua  
What can bring you joy  
Oh Chihuahua!  
I'm driving in my car  
Looking for a parking space  
There it is my place someone else wins the race  
NO, I give up  
Today is not my day  
But then I take a deep breathe and say:  
Calm down  
When you're about to go crazy  
Turn around  
And feel as fresh as a daisy  
Just run  
Because it's time to go  
Have fun and let the whole world know  
Chihuahua here  
Chihuahua there  
Everybody wants it everywhere  
Sing it loud  
And life can be so easy Chihuahua  
What can make you move Chihuahua  
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua  
What can make you dance  
Oh Chihuahua!  
What can make you sing Chihuahua  
Take it and you win Chihuahua  
What can bring you joy  
Oh Chihuahua!  
Chihuahua (4x)  
Oh Chihuahua!  
What can make you move Chihuahua  
Can you feel the groove Chihuahua  
What can make you dance  
Oh Chihuahua!  
What can make you shout Chihuahua  
What it's all about Chihuahua  
What can make you love  
Oh Chihuahua!

Anyway, after that nutty but oddly addicting song, one of the monkeys clapped his hands. Instant silence and stillness.

WHAT KING MONKEY SAID: "Bring the newcomers, so that we may initiate them into our order!"

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: Ditto. Apparently King Monkey could speak English, unlike the spiders.

The spider DJ put down his headphones and walked over.

WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "Come on, let's try not to infuriate the King."

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: "Hissssshhiiiissshhh."

They shrugged and followed the spider. The crowd of previously dancing spiders parted around them as they went, staring at them with sets of eight eyes each.

ARACNAPHOBES WHO ARE READING THIS: -picturing it- Oh... dear... god...

The DJ spider pushed them up in front of the thrones.

WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "Er... the humans, your kingliness..."

WHAT THE X-GROUP HEARD: "Er... hisssssshhh... kingliness..."

King Monkey gestured and the spider backed off. The monkey leaned forward and inspected the X-group. "So... DJ Spider brought you here, eh?"

"Uh... yeah... I guess," said Sam.

"If ye mean the mammoth buggy with the goggles, then aye," Rahne agreed, nodding.

King Monkey raised his eyebrow. "Anyway... you have proved to be funky dancers and conducive to the almighty Chihuahua song. So we're going to initiate you into our spider cult."

"..."

"Don't worry, it doesn't hurt," said King Monkey. "Fetch the Almighty Eye Poker!"

"Is everything around here almighty?" Amara asked, having not gotten the "eye poker" part.

"Pretty much, yeah," said King Monkey, nodding. "Adding almighty makes everything sound cooler."

We'll leave them in an undetermined state of peril, shall we?

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)

After a few hours of being drunk, the group discovered one big problem: Morph was gone. Nobody could find him.

"Maybe he's outside," Kurt suggested.

"We'll split up," said Remy. "Shelly, y' go look outside, Pyro, y' check around de bar, and Kurt an' me'll look 'round de rooms."

Shelly headed outside. She cupped her hands around her mouth and yelled, "Jeremy! Hilary! Mr. Boob! Where are you?" (4)

In response, a man nearby flashed a pair of pink bunny ears. Shelly spotted it. "Oi! Morph!"

Morph cackled madly, changed to his normal form, and ran off.

Shelly sighed. "This is gonna be harder than I thought."

Back at the bar, Pyro was prodding random drunks and asking them, "Are you Morph?"

-poke- "Are you Morph?"

The drunk guy opened one eye. "Mmmph."

"Uh..."

Drunky held up a fist.

"Uh.."

Drunky punched Pyro, who fell backwards onto a table and passed out.

Upstairs, Kurt and Remy were smacking random doors to see if they would open (they didn't think Morph would be smart enough to lock it).

Kurt found one that did open. He quickly shut it.

"What was behind dere?" Remy asked.

"Bugs! Big bugs!"

Remy rolled his eyes and went on with his life.

Speaking of bugs...

THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!

Jamie gave up on trying to reason with Logan, who was staring rapturously at Rodna, and sighed. "Ok, Jamie, time to prove yourself." He smacked himself on the chest, producing five other Jamies, who blinked at him. "Ok, dupes, it's bug squashin' time!" The other dupes nodded and smacked themselves on the chest, producing five other Jamies of their own, and so on and so on until there were about 200 Jamies in all. "Ok, troops, move out!" The other Jamies nodded and turned to face the cockroaches.

"**_What... are you doing?_**"

The Jamies cackled like he did in "Mindbender" and they began to methodically squash the bugs.

"Run for your lives!!!" Mesmeroach yelled.

The cockroaches paniced and started skittering in all directions, making it even easier for the Jamies to squash them.

After about five minutes the only sentient beings (I use the term loosely) in the room were **Sue Anna **(tm), several Jamies (who were trying to figure out who was the original), Wolverine, and Rodna and several of her acolyte hamsters. Logan was trying to reason with Rodna, who was waiting for him to shut up so she could get on with her life. "Just go away!"

"NEVER!!!"

Rodna began to bang her head on the ground.

"So... Ms. Sue Anna lady-"

"It's **Sue Anna** (tm). In bold, like that. No Ms. I have no gender," said **Sue Anna **(tm) by way of sign.

"Um, ok," said Jamie. "If you're not a girl, how come Apocalypse won't leave you alone?"

Another sign. "That is something I've been trying to figure out since the author dragged in this plot device..."

"Ok... so can we go now?"

"I suppose... my cockroach minions are gone anyway." There was a beep and a door in the wall opened. "Go on then. Bring your... thing with you."

"What thing- oh, come on, Mr. Logan."

"Very good."

Jamie blinked, and then walked out, dragging Logan along with him.

(Ok... that's that. BTW, Di, I did intend to make you Jamie and Logan's rescuer, but you never gave me a description (or at least your favorite swear sayings)... so if you could tell me that I can make you the bartender, k? Everybody else, you get parts in the band, savvy? I need suggestions for: Things Morph could hide as, hotel antics, and the Jamie and Logan stuff... pretty much everything but the thing with the newbies, clear?)

(1) All of this stuff... real life shit man. We tried to go to Ilinois... without a map... without a clue, even though we're right above it... it was madness!

(2) Besides bucket hats, pretty much the coolest accessory evar.

(3) Quote from Scrubs. I've just always wanted to use it.

(4) Quote from Yellow Submarine, my favorite movie... Shelly's obsessed with it too... and Morph's acting like the Nowhere Man from said movie, who has bunny ears that spotaneously appear and disappear a lot.


	7. Morph's Amazing Shapeshifting Adventure ...

Disclaimer: "If I recall, it was two days ago, with a cup of soda and a smile." "Gee, if I had a nickel for every time I tried to make friends with a guy by pouring soda down his pants and only got a kick in the crotch..."

(An: Well... here we go again. HH: Odd. I've always wanted to use that line too. I'll put it in... somewhere... CDLOC: Thankee. ACBPB: My dear rabbit, how could I NOT use something so insane? It sounds like... something I would come up with, to tell the truth. DAMN girl, talk about overacheiving... not that I'm complaining... I'll make it a contest to use as many as I can throughout this part. And me best friend Kitty's an aracnaphobe too. I just KNOW she's gonna give me an odd look or slap me when she sees that part. Di: You know what's scary? 'Cept for the swear words and hair and eye color, you sound like Shelly. Creepy no? And you by any chance didn't see the scene from coupling with the ostrich-and-mongoose couples therapy? I haven't seen it, but Shelly did, and now when she gets hyper she does her mongoose impression and bites me... hell, I should use that! SF: Oh, thankee, I didn't have ANY ideas for the hotel bit. Thorn: Sure, I'll fit ye in somewhere. RG05: Confused much? Okieday, dunno if anyone's gonna read this BUT my 'rents have limited the laptop time so my updates will be substantially slower.)

For those of you who don't feel like reading the review, A Cute But Psycho Bunny's list of Morph things: A slutty nurse. A drunk prostitute trying to woo Remy. A lighter that John picks up. A sexy bartender. Shelly's long lost twin. Oprah Winfrey. Jerry Springer. (Especially if one of the two mysteriously show up) Mystique. Kurt's long lost twin brother with the exact same name. Belladonna. A ghost. Charles Xavier. Eric Lensherr. The Crocodile Dundee Dude. Stitch from Lilo and Stitch. Raven from That's So Raven. Ashlee Simpson. Eminem. Rap Boy (yes, I know he's Eminem, but the super suit is hilarious!). The Riddler. A 10 year-old boy. A Friend Of Humanity. Pietro. A little girl with a lollipop and/or ice cream cone. An Elvis look-alike. Bam Margera. Billy from Good Charlotte. The Midget Dude From Jackass. The White Rabbit...on time. A worm. Spyke. Scott. Jean. JOTT. A bucket of water. Beast. Logan. A mutant cocaroach. A penniless sitar player. A half-insane writer. A hobo trying to make friends. A fangirl. Ororo. Batman. Some crazy person running around with their underwear on the outside and singing their own lame theme song. Cuzco as a Llama from The Emperor's New Groove. Summer from School of Rock. A map. Mushu from Mulan. Ten-Second Tom from 50 First Dates. A French maid. Jean-Luc. Bobby (if so, it'd be even funnier if he runs into Pyro). John/Pyro from X-Men: The Movie. Better yet, Rogue from X-Men: The Movie. Ashton Kutcher Punking people. Xzibit Pimping someone's ride. Verona from Van Helsing. Dracula. Frankenstein. An arachnephobic (no clue if that's spelled right). Captain Jack Sparrow. Orlando Bloom as Paris from Troy running around handing out condoms (get it? Trojan Man...Paris is Trojan...). A white boy wannabe rapper. Michael Jackson. Marylin Manson. Mandy Moore. Britney Spears in the sluttiest thing imagineable. Hilary Duff. Harry Potter. Draco Malfoy. Marlen (I have no clue how to spell the dude's name) Waynes dressed up as a White Chick. Alex from Charlie's Angels. Natalie from Charlie's Angels. Dylan from Charlie's Angels (one after the other). A British lady drinking tea. Professor Snape. Starfire from Teen Titans. Arcade. A Jamaican breakdancer. A Tahitian dancer. A ballerina. A mime. A tapdancer. Robin Hood from Robin Hood: Men in Tights. The prince dude from Cinderella starring Brandy. Lindsay Lohan. Aaron Carter. Nick Carter. Neo from The Matrix. Lance. A pirate. Gogo Yubari (the girl with the mace) from Kill Bill. Vin Diesel. Freddy Prinze Jr (I forgot how to spell the dude's last name). Tyra Banks. Simon from American Idol. Austin Powers. Will Ferrel. Dr. Evil. Mini Me. Seth Green. Lockheed. Forge. A surfer dude (no not Alex...a really stupid one). A high school cheerleader. Better yet, Courtney (the bleach blonde slut) from Bring It On. Jamie. A prep. A Goth. A ditzy blonde Valley Girl. A Marylin Monroe lookalike. A pole dancer dancing on a pole. Santa Claus. A leprechaun. The Easter Bunny. A live turkey. A Playboy Bunny. A cowboy. A hippie. A monk. A friar. Better yet, Friar Tuck. Will Scarlet. Will Turner from PotC. Commodore Norrington from PotC. Gwen Stefani. An insomniac with a tinfoil hat. Keep score now. You know what's really scary? The ones that aren't specific to something sound... a hell of a lot like me. -points at 'half-insane writer' and 'insomniac with tinfoil hat'- Speaking of, where did I put that thing? The penguins could be reading my mind right now and I'd never know... scary shit dude.

THE ADVENTURES OF GAMBIT, NIGHTCRAWLER, PYRO, AND MORPH! (and Shelly)

Gambit gave up on trying to find Morph. Instead he headed down to the bar, hoping to drown his problems in alcohol. He walked up to the bar and was about to order a burbon on the rocks, when he was slapped. Very hard. One might even call it a bitch-slap. "Ow! What was dat for?" Remy asked, rubbing his cheek. He looked around to see his attacker. He settled on one very P.O.'ed Brit teen with a large bruise spreading on one side of her face.

"For smacking me over the head with a retractable metal stick, stealing my beer, and STEALING MY KEYS!!!" she responded.

Remy's focus finally came all the way back and he saw that yes, it was the barkeep he'd knocked out. _Hmm, the warranty on m' bo staff must have run out._ "Chere?"

"Don't try that I-don't-speak-English crap on me!" roared the enraged Brit. "You owe me twenty bucks for all that alcohol!"

"Y' pretty young for a barkeep," said Remy, inspecting her.

"Don't change the subject!"

"Look, petite-"

"And DON'T call me short!"

"All right, fine, what's your name?"

"NOT that it's ANY of your business, but I'm- ...what the heck is that?" She pointed at a purple thing making its way across the bar. It was the rough size of a pit bull, with a head structure similiar to one, and it was muttering to itself.

"...I don' know."

It hopped on a table, sniffed a half-empty glass of beer, and drank it, finishing off with a satisfied burp. It then made its way out, its path a bit more twisty now.

"Oh, gods, you must have hit me on the head pretty hard."

"Wait... oh crap that was him!" Remy dashed up and ran after the purple thing.

The barkeep blinked, then remembered her unpaid tab. "Smeg head," she muttered, and started after him.

Remy ran outside, then looked around for the purple thing. It was gone, but in its place was a woman... a very creepy woman. She was dressed in a belt- wait, a skirt, sorry, big, knee-height white boots, and... well I hesitate to say a bra, but I suppose it must've been one. She walked over... er, sorry, I messed up again. She staggered over. By the smell on her breath she was VERY drunk. "Hey sweet cheeks... how about one on the house?"

Remy edged away.

"Aw, come on, issa deal," said the slut.

"Hey! Get out of here! I told you, no ANYTHING outside my shop!" The barkeep came running over, waving a stick.

"Arright, arright, juss put down the sticky thingy," said the slut. She ran off.

"Pretty limber for someone who's supposedly stone drunk," the barkeep snapped.

"I don' know whether t' thank y' or run away t' someplace saner," said Remy. "Who are y', anyway?!"

"My name's Alie," she replied. "And you CAN'T run away, NOT until you pay your tab!"

Suddenly a girl sprang out of the bushes. "O. M. G. It's him!!!" She hopped around Remy adoringly. She put a hand on his shoulder. Remy flinched. "Oh. My. God. I TOUCHED him! I actually TOUCHED HIM! AAAAH!!!!" She swooned and nearly fell.

"What the bloody hell?"

"Getitawaygetitawaygetitaway!!!" Remy yelled, and jumped out of her reach. "Where are you all COMING FROM!!!"

"A bush," said the fangirl, as though it was obvious. "The Bush Travel Agency, to be more exact. Can I have your autograph?"

"W-What?"

"Your au-to-graph? Or, better yet, a picture!" She pulled a polaroid out of her pocket.

"Er... RUN AWAY!" And Remy and Alie did just that.

The fangirl blinked, and then shrugged. "Oh well..."

They hid behind a bush. "Ok... what the hell was that all about?"

"No clue," Alie agreed.

Suddenly there was a thump. "Bunny bunny bunny!"

"Agh!"

A Playboy Bunny was hopping over. She was wearing the normal suit and stuff, and then her high heels snapped. "Aw nuts! I broke my shoe!" She picked up the snapped heel and attempted to put it back on, bending over, giving Remy and Di a good and bad view, respectively.

Di's eye twitched. "Need... brain bleach..."

"Ditto."

"Well, that's not very nice!"

Remy blinked. "Ok, dat's it. I'm gettin' sick o' dis." He pitched a card at the Bunny, which set her hair on fire. She gasped, and hopped around a bit, before turning into a bucket of water. The fire went out.

"That's better," said the bucket.

"Gettim!" Remy cried, springing out of the bush.

The water bucket stepped aside, allowing Remy to do a face-plant on the pavement. "...Medic..."

"Die!" The bucket of water became Gogo Yabari (Mace Chick) with said mace. She was about to smack Remy with it when Di threw out her hand. There was that weird "I'm-usin'-telekinesis-ain't-it-cooly" sound and Gogo fell over. "That's cheating!" she yelled... in Morph's voice.

"Gettim!" Remy yelled again, somewhat muffled by the asphalt.

Di was about to use her SC (supercool) TK on him-her again when he-she (this guy is a grammatical NIGHTMARE) ran off. "Oh shiiiitake mushrooms."

"Dis is rated PG y' know. Y' can swear. And drink. And stuff."

Di helped him up and they were going to go off in search of Morph when he- SHE revealed himself- herself. She was wearing a red-and-white cheerleading uniform. "God, it's freezing out here," she muttered, before putting on a botox-blocked grin and grabbing pom-poms that apparently appeared out of nowhere. "U! G! L! Y! You ain't got no alibi! You ugly! Yeah yeah, you ugly!" She did a funny little dance. "Spaghetti arms, limp butt, bad hair, LOSER!" (That's all I remember of the song... shall we move on?)

"Ok... what?" Di asked, cocking her head and clearly Not Getting the SO-American ref.

"Who cares! Tackle him- her!"

She cackled and ducked behind The Bush again. When she came out, she was Gwen Stefani. "If I were a rich girl, nananananananananana, I'd have all the money in the world! Something something something If I were a wealthy girl!" She began to dance around.

Remy jumped at him- HER and both were quickly stopped by Di, hands in the air. "All right, you smeg-heads what the heck is going on?!"

"If I were a rich girl-"

"I have no idea! Morph got drunk, and he's a shapeshifter, so I guess he's doing all these impressions as a result."

"If I were a wealthy-"

"SHUT UP!!!"

"NEVER!!! Love Angel Music Baby!" She...? wiggled in Di's telekinetic grip.

"Ok, how 'bout dis: y' drop us bot' on de count o' t'ree and I tackle him?"

"Fine." And she did just that... without waiting for a count.

Morph- "IT'S GWEN, GODDAMMIT!!!"- MORPH turned into a mongoose and skittered behind his Changing Bush. He came out as a ballerina. "CUE MUSIC!!!" There was some muttering and then "Swan Lake" began playing in the background. He began to dance.

Remy and Di were simply too shocked to move. "Oh. Mon. Dieu. He's completely insane."

"Thank you, thank you," said Morph!ballerina. He ducked behind the Almighty Bush of Transforming- "ENOUGH with the cutesy nicknames! It's a bush! A highly convenient bush, but a bush nonetheless!"

-"Just trying to make it interesting, jeez."-

"Who is he talking to?" Di asked.

"M' first guess would be de author, but she's nowhere near here."

"...You're all completely insane."

"Oh, I wouldn' say completely. Kurt's still got a brain cell or two."

"..."

"Everybody says dat."

Morph, right on cue, sprang out from his bush again. "Pip pip, cheerio, and all that," said the British lady he'd turned into.

Di twitched. "Oh shiny red buttons."

Remy raised an eyebrow, but tried to tackle Morph again anyway. For a guy in a skirt, he was pretty limber, managing to side-step Remy (without spilling the tea), who for the third (I think, anyway, I've kind of lost track) time landed on the asphalt parking lot. "Dieu, dat stings."

Morph cackled and ducked back into the Bush of Doom! "CUT THAT OUT!"

-"Sorry, couldn't resist."-

He jumped out as Britney Spears wearing her snake... only her snake.

"OH GOD!"

"Got dat right." Remy averted his eyes and began digging in his pockets. He came out with his bo staff and attempted to smack Morph with it.

"Watch it! He's toxic!"

"OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD!"

-"Ok, seriously. Get out of here. The HELL out of here. WTF is wrong with you?"-

"Aright, aright," Morph muttered and ducked behind his bush. He came back fully dressed... well, sort of. He was now Ms. Slutty Nurse (tm). Meaning that the little white lab-coat he was wearing only came down just past her underwear... damn, I'm confused. "What is up with all the women?!"

-"I thought it would be funny to have Remy do all the girl shape-shifting on the list."-

"You suck."

-"I get that aaaall the time."-

"Who is he talking to?!" Di snapped.

Remy shrugged. "De voices in his head, p'raps?"

-"Seems my mind-control machine is finally working."-

"You have a mind-control machine and you never told me?!"

-"Why do you think I'm getting you to do all this stuff? Aaaanyway..."-

Morph pulled a needle out of her pocket. He- she! squeezed it, letting liquid drip off the tip.

"Ok, dat would be extremely sexy if I didn' know who y' were. Why can't you jus' cut it out and give us de keys back?"

"NEVER!!!" Ms. Slutty Nurse (tm) proclaimed, and ran off... well as fast as one can run in high heels that are designed to click and stab bugs. He? ducked behind the bush again and came out to music, as Marylin Monroe pole-dancing while singing the "Happy Birthday" song. "Happy happy birthday, from all of us to you! We wish it was our birthday so we could party too!"

"Er..." said Remy and Di in unison.

"That's just creepy," said Di.

"Oui," Remy agreed.

Marylin finished her dance, then winked and ducked back beneath the bush. "You know what's really scary? This is actually kind of fun..."

-"...That IS scary.."-

"Not the being women thing, but seeing the freaked out look on Remy's face," Lindsey Lohan protested.

"Tell me this is a bad dream," Di begged.

"Whatever he's on, I wan' some," Remy agreed.

Morph, due to time restraints, didn't do anything as Lindsey, or as Hilary Duff, or as Ashlee Simpson (GAAH!!), or as Raven Symone (sp?), just pretended to sing like they do. Gah. The song went like this: "That girl was -bzzt- so yesterday -bzzt- like pieces of me -bzzt- it's supernatural!"

"Okaaaay..."

"Don' y' recognize de songs? It creepy."

"I'm British, and this is one of those rare moments when I'm acutely aware and proud of it."

Morph ducked back down into the bush, and then came out in a French maid outfit. It might've been -just- a French maid, except for the way Remy reacted.

"Ok, dat's jus' not right," Remy mumbled, and tried to hide behind Alie.

"Bonjour, cher," said Belladonna.

"GETERAWAYFROMME!!!!!"

"Who the heck is she, anyway?" Di asked, cocking her head.

"I'm his fiancee," Belladonna replied, with a smile... well it doesn't really count because her face is frozen that way thanks to the botox, but that's not really the point so sorry.

"Ok, that is scary. Change into someone less abhorrent, if you please."

"Such children," Belladonna said, but complied, ducking behind -duh duh duh!- SUPER BUSH!!! "I SAID T' CUT DAT OUT!!!"

-cackles! "NEVER!"-

"Followin' in de tradition o' annoyin' Cajuns..." Jean-Luc LeBeau stepped from SB. "Turn dat 'round, y' get de initials for bullshit."

"AAH!" Remy gave up on hiding behind Di and ducked into a bush.

"What now? ...or rather who?"

"Jean-Luc LeBeau, at y'r service," he said. "...dat don' mean a t'ing t' y', does it."

"Nope."

"Dis is EVIL! EEEEEVIL!!!"

"What is he going on about?"

"I don' know, dis is jus' what shape I was supposed change into," said the confused Jean-Luc.

"So why not move on?"

"Give me a few more seconds t' revel in his despair."

"You've got ten."

"Fifteen."

"Six, five, four, three, two, one. Now change back, you twazzak."

"Fine, fine," Jean-Luc muttered, and ducked back behind the bush. A second later, a redhead in an overly tight purple miniskirt and gogo boots came out. "I feel odd doing this. Can we move on?"

-"Yeah, I need to move on anyway and this is the best one."-

He ducked behind SB for the last time and came out as that awful Rogue wannabe, Anna Paquin.

Remy dared to poke out from his hiding bush. "...Chere?"

"Rogue" dusted herself off. "Yeah, what?"

Remy stood up, and inspected her. "Oh, dat's jus' wrong!"

"What?"

"No accent, blue eyes! Damn, dis is jus' creepy!"

"WHAT are you going on about?"

"Well, this is what she told me to act like," said the perplexed "Rogue".

"'M gonna go inside and drink until I forget dis," said Remy, and headed back to the bar to do just that.

"Can I have my keys back now?"

Morph turned into his normal form and pitched the keys at her. He walked off, cackling.

(There y' go. Sorry that took so long, but like I've said, I've had my computer time restricted somewhat so more've a cramped schedule, savvy? Next time: Morph's mad adventure, Part TWO! I need suggestions for: almighty torture devices and The Ritual with the monkeys, Super 8 antics, and where Jamie and Logan can go now.)


	8. Random Friendies, or BOB THE MEXICAN!

Disclaimer: "I can see you as one of those grumpy old men sitting in a cafe, watching the people pass and saying, 'Oh, these people, they make my ass twitch.'" (1)

(An: I -love- snow days. -leans back in chair and snickers- Below zero temps give me such a lovely reason to stay inside all day. HH: Yeah, I know what you mean... I can see him, sitting on the couch, yelling "WHERE WERE DESE WOMEN BEFORE I MET ROGUE?!" and then the shrink going "Ja, Ja, let it out, let it out," and then whispering into a mic "get the sedative!" CDLOC: Yes, it was rather stupid, wasn't it? ACBPB: Actually I wanted to save Kurt for last 'cause he's my favorite char and I want to torture him specially! -cocks head- General Pengy? I always thought he was kind of fun... Fish-wielding?! How often do you get to use a phrase like that? Ooh, yay and woot! Amara/Sam/Rahne ideas! You have a habit of going off on tangents, don't you? I'm gonna! That sounded fun! Renee the poolboy!? Cooly! I like your suggestions. They sound like stuff I would come up with after no sleep and much caffeine. Di: Okay... that's rather odd... Yes, yes, I know. -pats hand while edging away- Of course! You're Remy's ally person! You know what? I've got so many seperate mini-fics going in this that I could just have every sef-insert be a helper person! I'm gonna use that! RG05: There's never a point. All this is is a bunch of meaningless jokes and the lot. SF: Disturbing people is fun! Me and my friend Noelle disturb people by talking about Bob the Mexican... it's a long story. Oh, you just gave me a new idea! You rock! I must warn you all, this chapter will be full of injokes and such thanks to SF... not that it's her fault she just reminded me of that. Ok, so I've changed my mind about the self-insert band, I think there'll be enough mini-fics for you all to be allies to the lost and not-lost X-people... or at the very least illegal immigrants with me, Noelle, Kitty, and Bob.)

Ok, first, the OFFICIAL FRIENDY LIST! (these were random decisions, mark that)

Remy's friendy: Di

Kurt's friendy: A Cute Yet Psycho Bunny

Pyro's friendy: Shelly

Jamie and Logan's friendies: Heartsyhawk, myself, Noelle, Kitty, and Bob the Mexican

The Newbies' friendy: Thorn

THE ADVENTURES OF THE X-PEOPLE!

Rogue and Kitty were debating over going into the pool. Rogue had pulled out a legal pad and was writing slowly and in large print on it. "BUT I'LL ABSORB SOMEBODY!"

"Oh, come on, we'll just leave you in your clothes."

"YOU WANT ME... TO GO SWIMMING... IN MY CLOTHES. **ARE YOU INSANE WOMAN?!"**

"Well, like,- no! Come on, please?" Kitty opened up her eyes real wide and did the Angelic Puppy Valley Girl Eyes (tm).

"FINE."

So Kitty got into her bathing suit and dragged Rogue down to the swimming pool, Rogue squeaking her penguin in protest the whole way.

It hadn't been long, despite the whole long Morph thing, so the b-ball game was still going. The Spanish guy was supposed to be keeping track of the score, but nobody but Rob understood him so nobody was sure. Rogue was a fan of b-ball so they started a new game with Kitty as ref. Somewhere in the middle of it all (everyone blamed Rob but nobody was sure) Ray got bashed on the head with the ball, really hard, so he floated to the bottom. As usual, in the frenzy of the game nobody but Rogue noticed. So Rogue was making frantic gestures and Ray was making choking noises and the Spanish guy was choking too, but with laughter.

Next came Renee the poolboy. He looked kind of like Remy except he didn't have a goatee, he had a French Mustache (tm) and was dressed in a speedo... just a speedo. He was attempting to clean out the oppposite end of the pool. "_Zut!" _he yelled. Rogue turned around and saw him trying to sweep Ray out of the filter. _"Il y a un type blond obstruant le filtre!" _(There's a blond guy clogging the filter!)

Naturally, this is what made Rob stop playing, because he is (dun dun duh!!) multi-lingual, of course he spoke French. But when he saw it was only Rob, he shrugged and went back to kicking Bobby's ass in b-ball.

Renee tugged on Rob, and even though he was really strong (being a sexy poolboy takes muscles, you know) the pool was stronger and he couldn't pull him out. "_Merde! Il ne sortira pas! Je vais perdre mon travail pour ceci..."_ Then he shrugged and turned to Rogue. "_Voulez un massage?" _(Shit. I can't get him out! I'm gonna lose my job for this... want a massage?)

Rogue raised her eyebrows, then knocked him out (she did this to try and get his power of speech). "_Hé, un type meurt ici!... merde." _(Hey, a guy's dyin' here! ...shit.) Since Renee the poolguy could speak only French, so could she, and nobody but Rob could understand her. Naturally, he ignored her.

Rogue gave up and went back to her room, swearing loudly in French.

This shocked several French tourists, who then began to snicker loudly and French...ily.

"_Ferme-la,_" (Shut up.) Rogue muttered.

"_Son accent est terrible,_" (Her accent is terrible) said the visiting French ambassador, which was the reason for all these anonymous French people. He then headed down to the buffet.

A FEW MINUTES AGO...

We must observe the feral teenager at work. Jubilee and Tabitha emerged from their hotel abode in search of food.

"Where do you think they keep the food around here?" Tabby asked as they crept down the hallway.

"Probably in that room," said Jubes, pointing at a large door with the words "BUFFET" written on it.

"Oh. Right."

They headed into the room. Think everything-in-the-universe if you want some idea of the selection."Wow. This is like the uber-buffet. No wonder they didn't tell us about it," said Jubilee.

"Yeah," Tabby agreed with a fervent nod. "Hey, check out the freak in the hat," she said, nudging Jubes and pointing at the French ambassador. He was very drunk and wearing a beret with a little French flag sticker stuck to it. She rubbed her hands together and tossed a cherry bomb into his mashed potatoes. The bomb (and consequently the potatoes) exploded. The French ambassador sat there, looking dazed for a second, and then passed out.

"Oh, God, Tabitha! You killed the French dude!" Jubes cried, grabbing Tabby's arm. "You bastard!" (2)

"Relax," said Tabby. "I didn't kill him... I think."

"He's not breathing!" Jubilee picked up a huge handful of mashed potatoes and flung them at Tabby. "You idiot! They're gonna kill us!"

There was much screaming and flinging of food before the French ambassador's wife and her friends came back. They saw Tabby and Jubes, making a complete mess of the room in their argument.

"_Mon Dieu!_" the ambassador's wife shouted and fainted dead away.

Jubes and Tabby, hearing a new voice, stopped dead and turned slowly to face the shocked dignitaries. "Eh heh heh... oops?"

"You killed him!" yelled the translator.

"Oh crap... is this your foreign dignitary? We never would've guessed!" said Jubilee, and being Japanese she jumped into anime-embarrased-mode (that would be she stood up quite straight and started rubbing the back of her neck and smiling nervously). "We'll just take him to the hospital, ok?"

Tabby and Jubes grabbed his arms and dragged him out, his face still covered in potatoes.

The French people were too shocked to speak. Then Tabby threw a number of cherry bombs behind her and shut the door. When she opened it, the dignitaries were all knocked out and the room was full of splattered food.

"So now what?" Jubilee asked, inspecting the wreckage.

"We sneak away and make sure these bozos stay asleep until we're long gone, got that?"

"Yep."

Just then, one of the dignitaries they'd missed came in, pushing a cannon in front of him. NO, not a comic book, as in the kind that blows stuff up. He perched atop it and lit the fuse.

Jubes and Tabitha ran over, quickly dampening the fuse. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!" Jubilee yelled. "This is a hotel! You can't fire a cannon in here!"

"But- not even on Bastille day?" said the dignitary, blinking.

"Not even on your birthday pally!" Tabby replied.

They pushed the cannon back out, the French guy trying to stop them and shouting "_Vive le France!"_ (3)

"Now what?" Jubilee asked as they walked back into their room.

"I say we stay here and get flat drunk."

"I like the way you think."

Meanwhile, back at the b-ball game, Rob had pretty much drowned. Renee the poolguy had woken up and was now sitting on the edge of the pool giving Kitty a massage.

"Mmm... that's, like nice."

"Kitty!" Bobby yelled. "What's the score?"

"Dunno, don't really care- ooh, right there..."

"Who is that guy, anyway?" Rob asked, cocking his head.

The Spanish guy shrugged.

"Hey, you're 21, right?" Rob asked.

"_Si._"

"Could you go get us a beer? I don't think I want to remember this in the morning..."

The Spanish guy shrugged and got out of the pool. He walked into the hallway and looked at the doors. "_Escoja una puerta cualquier puerta, supongo." _(Pick a door, any door, I guess.)

But, due to his Awful Spanish Guy Luck, he picked Remy and John's door, a.k.a. The Mutant Cockroach Door, and let loose the evil. He ran down the hallway screaming, _"__¡Cucarachas del mutante! ¡Funcione por sus vidas!"_ (Mutant cockroaches! Run for your lives! God I love Babelfish.)

Rob and Bobby leaned their heads out of the pool room. "Did he get the beer?" Bobby asked.

"No, he's shouting something about... mutant cockroaches..."

Bobby and Rob looked at each other. "Oh shit!" They jumped out of the pool and headed down to play "cockroach roundup". The Spanish guy huddled in the corner near the life preserver, hugging his knees and humming.

Kitty looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. "Wonder what's, like, with him... mmm, oh you're so good at that!"

JOTT TORTURE!

Jean and Scott finally stopped their monumental mack session (yes they've been going for... what, three chapters or so?) to look around. "Where is everybody?" Scott asked.

"Damn, they ditched us again," said Jean.

"We may's well start walking."

So they walked. And they walked. And they walked. And then they came to a zoo. "Why don't we go in? I'm starving," said Scott.

Jean shrugged and they walked inside.

However, they hadn't noticed the gigantic plume of fire coming up from the penguin enclosure.

"YES YES YES! BUUUURN MY PENGUIN MINIONS!" came a voice.

Scott switched his glasses for his visor and headed bravely on, even though any sane person would've just turned the other way. Jean followed, but only because she was too stupid to strike out on her own.

They turned the corner and came on a site of carnage. Bodies, burning stuff, and dead fish lay everywhere. In the middle of it all, cackling madly, was General Pengy, his satanic red eyes burning. (-shudders-)

General Pengy turned his attention to the newcomers. "Oh, great, a smartass and a geek with a pole up his ass." He snapped his flipper. "Is that physically possible?"

-"I don't know, but like Sue Anna's margaritas, it's a sight gag. Work with me here."-

General Pengy shrugged and went back to business. "Ok. I don't like smartasses or geeks with poles up their asses- hereon referred to as GWPUTA (that's pronounced gwih-putah, or something like that)- so go my penguiny minions! Slap them in a most disrespectful manner until they're rendered unconcious or preferably-" zoom in on his face "-dead!" -insert penguiny evil cackle here-

Out of the penguin enclosure came, oh horror of horrors, FISH-WIELDING GOGGLE-WEARING ZOMBIE PENGUINS! They proceeded to slap Jott into unconciousness.

General Pengy leaned back in his seat and cackled. "Fun fun."

THE ADVENTURES OF CANNONBALL, WOLFSBANE, AND MAGMA!

Dj Spider arrived with his almighty eye poker.

WHAT HE SAID: "Here, oh King Monkey, the Almighty Eye Poker."

WHAT SAM, RAHNE, AND AMARA HEARD: "HIISSSSS... poker."

"We're doomed, ain't we," said Sam.

"Don't be ridiculous," said King Monkey. "The Almighty Eye Poker is pokey and somewhat painful, yes, but then you can be one of us and party!" He leaned back on his throne.

"Somehow that doesn't make me feel any better," said Rahne, eyeing the sharp point.

Amara was panicking too, but for once she decided to do something about it. She threw out her hands and toasted the Almighty Eye Poker.

"...Damn," said King Monkey. "That was pretty cool, but how can we iniate you now?"

Now Queen Monkey spoke up. "This is the only line I get, isn't it?"

-"Well, yeah. You're a monkey and a bit part. Deal."-

"Shiznit! We could send them on a quest!"

"Good idea, my queen," said King Monkey. He turned back to the X-group. "Ok, here's the deal. You guys are going to go seek out and kidnap Forge, the almighty maker of stuff, to have him give us the rights to the Almight Chihuahua song back. We lost them in a poker game to him, you see. All right?"

The X-group cast each other uneasy glances. "Um, ok," said Sam. "Sure."

"Cool!" said King Monkey. He pulled a lever and a door appeared, nearly blinding the X-group. "We'd send someone with you, but Dj Spider needs to DJ and anyone else might eat you. Return in a timely fashion, please!"

THE ADVENTURES OF MULTIPLE AND WOLVERINE!

Jamie and Logan stumbled out. "Damn, where are we?" Logan asked.

"You're the one with super-senses!" Jamie replied, wiping cockroach goo off his shoe. "Hey, look, there's a highway! ...how come you didn't notice it first?"

"He's got a point," Logan muttered, following him.

They walked up to the edge of the highway and stuck out their thumb. After a few minutes, a large, canvas covered truck stopped. "Get in," said a guy with a thick Mexican accent.

"Wow! Thanks!" said Jamie.

"Just don't tell de police and we drive you, si?" said the Mexican guy.

"Uh..." said Jamie.

"Sure," said Logan. _Damn, I need a beer._

They climbed into the back of the truck. Sitting in the back already were several Mexican people and four teenage girls. Logan got in, and balked when he recognized the one in the middle. "Oh, god, no."

"Oh, hi Logan!" she said, pulling her hat down further.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Logan asked, sitting down on one of the benches.

The author (for that's who it was) grinned. "Well, my dear punchbunny, it's a long story. Basically, my parents didn't trust me and my friends alone in the house with so much sugar, so they left us some money and told us to hitchhike. That's when we met Bob... which one o' you is Bob?"

"Hola," said a fat guy sitting in the midst, and then went back to talking with his friends.

"That's Bob," said the girl sitting next to her.

"Oh, this is Noelle-" M.A. indicated the one who'd just spoken, "and Kitty-" she indicated the one sitting next to her, "and this newbie is Zee... at least that's what she said. And we only call that guy Bob 'cause his name's like way unpronounceable." The other three girls nodded.

"So now we're playing 'hide from the Border Patrol,'" said Zee, nodding fervently. "These guys are nuts, but it's fun!"

"And we don't speak a word of Spanish, either," Kitty chimed in.

"...So why did you come with them?" said Jamie.

The girls looked at each other and shrugged. "No clue," they said in unison, then giggled.

"Bob was the only one who would take us," M.A. explained. "The other people on our street know that when we yell that we need a ride... we usually don't. So we just followed Bob to this truck thingy." She shrugged. "I said it was a long story."

"Yeah..." Katie agreed.

"It involved hamsters... and that strip bar... and burning Vegas... and the pole-dancing classes... OH GOD, SO MUCH FOAM!" Noelle suddenly burst out.

M.A. patted her shoulder. "It's ok, it's ok..." She leaned forward and whispered, "She went a bit nutty after all that sun in the Sahara desert."

"What. The. Crap," said Logan. "What are you doing here?!"

"Shh!" M.A. said. "They don't know I'm the author and therefore omnipotent. It's fun to pretend to be anonymous. Don't worry, you wont' miss the concert. I just wanted to have fun with Bob.... keep yer mouth shut, ok?"

"Why the hell should I? You made me fall for a hamster! A HAMSTER!"

"Yes, well... how about I make Rodna love you when we get to Washington? Will that appease you?"

"...Deal."

(Ok, god, that was insane. The "illegal-immigrant-Bob-the-Mexican" thing is all inspired by a conversation me and my friends had on the subject... very nuts... odd... um... review, ok? The next chapter really -will- be about Morph's changing adventures, ok?)

(1) From French Kiss. Ordinarily I wouldn't quote my source, but Romy fans have -got- to see this movie. It's about a neurotic woman and- get this- a French thief. He is exactly like Remy, and if you imagine Charlie being Scott... well it's like a pychotic pseudo-fanfiction.

(2) South Park. Couldn't resist.

(3) From Between the Lions. Very insane, as the original version was a monkey riding the cannon, with a chicken trying to keep him quiet... yeah, it was pretty damn funny...


	9. Some Morph Stuph, and Much SpanishFrench...

Disclaimer: "I don't know why people stare at me when I walk down the street. I'm just like everybody else- my suit, my briefcase, my knife- I mean sure, I stab people sometimes by accident and the water tends to turn red when I wash my knife in the fountain... what's the big deal?"

(An: Been rather busy as of late, but anyway... ok. SF: Ok, I like that. Your ideas rule! CDLOC: Your compliments make me all squishy inside. ACBPB: Oops. I did? I tend to get those guys mixed up. I hope you get that POTC thingy up soon. I loverz your parodies... oh god, many more of your reviews and I'm gonna be adding z to everything... not that I'm complaining, mind you! I knew diddly-squat about Bastille Day. I just used it because the image of Tabby and Jubilee shoving a cannon down the hall with a guy riding on it shouting "VIVE LE FRANCE!" appealed to me for some reason. And the seven page thing doesn't surprise me, seeing as your reviews are long too. It's nice. I'm not gonna use all of your ideas, only 'cause I wanna get this up sooner. HH: Yep. And the Rogue-spazzing is an utter duh. I like making people spaz. It's fun. Chaotic Dreamer: Ooer! A new reviewer! Cooly. Yeah, I just type what I want into Babelfish and then copy the results into the fic... Yes, I suppose... I'll have to think a bit on that. Oh! I know!)

BACK AT THE BAR...

Pyro finally woke up from his drunk-punch induced unconsciousness. "Ow... gah. Somebody get the number of that bus..." He sat up and looked around. He was still slumped over the side of the tables. He slid off and headed out, in search of Morph.

Outside, Alie and Remy were still trying to wrap their minds around what had just happened. "Dat was insane."

"Yeah."

"Hey guys," said John. "OOOOooooh, who's the sheila?" (1)

"Shut up," Di snapped, and slapped him.

"De bartender," Remy replied.

"Um, ok," said John, looking kind of confused now. "Um… where's Morph?"

"He went that way," Di and Remy chorused without missing a beat.

"Ok," John repeated, and headed off towards the forest.

"Oh, wait, you think we should've told him he was drunk?" Di asked, looking up.

"Don' worry 'bout it," Remy replied. "He'll find out soon enough."

IN THE FOREST…

Pyro stubbed his toe on a root. "OW!" He grabbed his foot and fell over. "Damn, that hurt." He winced, and when he opened his eyes, there was a lighter. Right by his hand. A big one. Pyro grinned and grabbed it. He could've sworn he heard a muffled yelp of pain when he did, but he shrugged it off as his imagination. "Fire fire fire fire fire fire!" He flipped the top… nothing. "What?" He flipped the top down, then back up. Still nothing, not a spark. "Come on! What a gyp!"

He dropped the lighter and walked off in a huff.

Morph, who was glad to be able to change out of the cramped shape, blinked. "Oh, wait, I was supposed to spark, wasn't I?"

-"Our boy's brighter than dead fish, isn't he?"-

"Oh, shut up! …wait, how can you be talking to me if you're on the immigrant bus?"

-"Everyone gets my story persona and my author one mixed up. Idiot."-

Morph shrugged and headed off after Pyro, who was completely oblivious to the conversation that had been going on back there.

Much to his surprise, the next thing Pyro bumped into was Shelly, who fell out of a tree and landed atop him. "What the hell?"

"I could ask you the same question, mate," Shelly muttered, standing up.

"Hey, you fell on **me**," Pyro retorted. "I get to ask the questions. Why were you in the tree?"

"I was looking for Morph," Shelly replied in a "duh"-tone.

"So was I," said Pyro. "Find him yet?"

"Would I be dive-bombing people from trees if I had?"

"Oh. Right."

"Come on, let's go find the brainless wonder."

Pyro and Shel were just about to head out, when, flying from the trees like a misbegotten duck came of all things, a platypus. It pulled a basket full of, of all things, shrimp, and began to tuck them under leaves and rocks and such.

"Oh my god!" Shelly yelled, looking as though she wanted to burst out laughing. "It's the Easter Platypus and his basket of shrimp!"

"…What?"

"From Invader Zim! The holiday episode!"

The platypus hopped on the top of Pyro's head. "Ok, we have platypuses (2) in Australia, but this is just nuts." The platypus ignored him and tucked a shrimp into his shirt.

Having emptied his basket, the platypus hopped off Pyro and waddled away.

"Ok, that was weird."

"Life is weird," Shelly responded, still sounding as though she sounded like she wanted to laugh. Then she squeaked.

"Whatsa matter with you?" Pyro asked.

"Something just slithered over my foot… I'll bet anything this forest's full of snakes," she muttered. "This is why I was in the tree!"

"I'll get it sheila!" cried an Australian voice.

"You know, I could've sworn you just threw your voice," said Shelly.

"I didn't say anything..."

"No! I did!" A blond guy dressed in some kind of snake-skin/leather jacket and a weird hat sprang out from the trees. He was also holding a large knife. He sprang on a pile of leaves near Shelly's feet and pulled out what appeared to be a vine... that was hissing? He wrestled with it.

"Oh my god! It's the Crocodile Dundee dude!" Seeing the look on Pyro's face, she gave up all pretense and fell over laughing.

"I hate that guy," Pyro muttered. "Stupid accent... thanks to him everybody thinks I have a Bowie knife!"

The Crocodile Dundee dude sprang up, holding the snake at arm's length. "There ya go, sheila!" He thrust it at Shelly, who was leaning against a tree and giggling sporadically.

"Um... use it to make yourself a jacket, or something," said Shelly, edging back.

"Ok!" He ran off.

"Goddammit! That was him!" Pyro cried. In his outrage over the Aussie thing, he had forgotten all about Morph.

"Jeez, we keep missing him, don't we?" said Shelly, staring off where he'd went. "Now what?"

"I guess we keep going."

"Good plan!"

Then all of a sudden there was a swoosh and a guy in tights- green no less- came swinging down from a vine, landing on the ground in front of Pyro and Shelly. "Are you with me!"

"With what?" Pyro asked.

"Me!" said the guy in tights.

"And just who are you?"

"Let me guess," said Shelly, who was once again close to laughter, "you're Robin Hood?"

"Ah, so you've heard of me!" said the guy, putting his fists on his hips.

Shelly and Pyro stared at him, then at each other. "GETTIM!"

They sprang forward to grab him and he ran off. "You'll never catch the Prince of Thieves!"

"He's right you know," said Shelly. "I don't think we'll catch him."

"The bar's unattended," Pyro responded. "Fancy a drink?"

"Lovely," Shelly agreed.

Morph swung down from his tree. "What? They're just going to give up, just like that?"

-"Yeah. Trying to come up with these was buggin' me. I'll keep the list onhand though, for when I have you pop up next."-;

"Eurgh."

-"Eurgh indeed."-;

AT THE X-HOTEL...

Jubilee and Tabby were drunk. Very drunk. Call them flat drunk, call them smashed, whatever, but they weren't in a sane state of mind. Then they saw the Spanish Guy and Rob walking down the hallway. "Hey, guys!"

They ignored them.

"Do you know any Spanish?" Jubilee asked Tabby... at least, that's what she meant. She **was** very drunk, so she was hard to understand. But Tabby, being just as drunk and therefore speaking the same language, understood.

"Well..." She stood up and yelled, "Hey! _¡Tengo un cerdo en mis pantalones!_"

**_"¿Qué?"_** cried the Spanish Guy. "_¡Usted tiene un cerdo en sus pantalones!_"

"You have a hog down your pants!" Rob echoed, blinking. (3)

"Is that what it means?" Tabby asked.

"You guys wanna come get drunk?"

"Uh... sure," Rob said, after a second.

"What's your name, anyway?" Tabby asked the Spanish Guy.

The Spanish guy put his hands on his hips, thrust out his chest, and cried, "_Soy Hombre español del idiota del señor con suerte tremenda!"_ (I am Mr. Idiot Spanish Man with Awful Luck!)

"Um... ok," Tabby said. "How about we just call you Soy for short?"

The Spanish Guy- er, Soy, shrugged. "_Ese trabajos también._" (That works too.)

BACK AT THE POOL...

Bobby was shaking his head. Rob had abandoned him, Kitty was getting a massage from the freaky French guy, and he did not, repeat, did **not** have any beer. And Rob had beaten him at cockroach roundup. He was feeling bored, and then looked over at Renee. Since he spoke some rudimentary French, he decided that since he wasn't happy, Kitty shouldn't be happy either. "Yo! Renee! _La fille est un mutant!"_ (The girl is a mutant.)

Renee blinked. "_Ainsi ce qui_?" (So what?)

"Er... _elle a le sens de mode terrible!_" (She has awful fashion sense!)

Renee squeaked, dropped his bottle of Sensual Mass-age oil, and ran off.

"Hey!" Kitty cried, standing up. "Bobby! I was using him! Ugh!" She brushed herself off, and stepped over to the ladder on the deep end of the pool.

Bobby, still in bitter mode, zapped the pool, turning it all to ice.

"BOBBY!" Kitty jumped up, sprang into a fighting pose, and attacked.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"...Medic..."

"Never insult a girl with a black belt," Kitty said, brushing her hands together. (4)

IN JUBILEE AND TABBY'S ROOM...

By now, Rob and Soy were also quite drunk. Rob, on his fourth shot of tequila, passed out. Soy sprang up, looking dismayed. "_¡Mi amigo! ¡él ser muerto! ¡Oh tal tristeza yo ser sensación!_" (My friend! He is dead! Oh, the sadness I am feeling!)

"How are we supposed to tell what he's saying now?" Jubilee asked Tabby.

Tabby shrugged. "Eh, who cares? We've got alcohol!"

"Good point..."

Soy let out a sob, clutching his chest, and then straightened up. "_Y ahora me hacen.¿Es ese tequila?" _(And now I'm done. Is that tequila?)

Renee the French guy showed up then. He peered around the doorway."_Est-ce que je peux vous joindre des types?_" (Can I join you guys?)

Soy (who speaks all languages) nodded.

"_Magnifique,_" Renee said, and sat down. He grabbed a shot of tequila and cried, "_Je vais perdre mon travail, tout en raison d'un type blond stupide, et je ne m'inquiète pas!_" (I am going to lose my job, all because of a stupid blond guy, and I do not care!)

(I will get to the New Recruits tomorrow. Right now, I wish to finish! Review! And the reason this was so late: I got dragged along to Illinois for five days. I thought I was going to dry up and die. But I didn't. Yay.)

(1) In "The Author, the Demon, and the X-men," Pyro dated Di for a while. It was very complicated. And I know Di's gonna yell at me for mentioning that, but the site's been down so long that I think I'm going into withdrawal.

(2) Yes, that is the plural of platypus. I looked it up.

(3) From the Fairly Oddparents. God, I love that show.

(4) In the comics, Kitty knew karate. Go figure.


	10. Thorn and the Almighty Xquesters, or Mis...

Disclaimer: "EVERYBODY'S GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE, 'CEPT FOR ME AND MY MONKEY!

(An: Well, once again, here we go. You know, I never intended for this story to be this long... or chaotic. Keeping all these seperate stories is giving me a headache. But it's like an ice cream headache! Painful but oh so delicious... yeah I didn't get much sleep. HH: Compliments! Yay. SF: What, no ideas? I live on your ideas, mon ami-cocks head- Interestin. CDLOC: More compliments! ACBPB: I couldn't help but think of soy cubes when I gave him that name... we vegetarians eat a lot of weird foods. I love that part! Why would you think Renee was gay? Oh! You gave me an idea! And you didn't even have to put it in your review! Rice!)

ON THE X-QUEST...

"That was weird," Rahne said, scratching behind her ear.

"Do you realize how much like a dog you are?" Sam asked, watching curiously.

Rahne quickly dropped her hand. "How so?"

Sam shook his head and started off. "Come on, how far can Bayville be?"

"Famous last words," Rahne muttered. "We gotta make sure he doesn't kill himself. Come on, 'Mara."

"But who'll keep **us** from killing ourselves?" Amara inquired.

"Best not to think about that," Rahne replied, clapping Amara on the shoulder. "Common."

The walk was long, tiring, and exhaustive. Actually, it wasn't all that long. After about five minutes they left the gigantic temple behind and came to a road. A sign on it said "Bayville: 1 mile".

"Well, looks like Bayville's even weirder than we thought," Sam commented, thumbing at the sign. "Bays, mesas, and now a giant spider temple." (1) He shrugged and headed down the road.

Rahne sniffed the air. "Sam... Sam... SAM!"

"What?"

"You're going the wrong way," Rahne said simply, transforming into a wolf and jerking her head in the opposite direction.

"But- the sign-"

Rahne barked and headed off.

"Should we follow her?" Sam whispered to Amara.

"She's probably after a bug again. Let's just go."

Seeing that Amara and Sam weren't following her, Rahne went human. "But- guys! I can see the city! Ye dafties, it's **RIGHT THERE!**"

Amara and Sam, however, were now out of earshot.

"Finish quest, or save them..." Rahne mused. Then she sighed, and headed after them. She'd never be able to forgive herself if the idiots hurt themselves.

AT THE X-HOTEL...

By now, poor Soy the Spanish dude had passed out. "He must not have a very high tolerance for alcohol," Jubilee commented, peering over at him.

"Who cares?" Tabby responded. "We have cheese and tequila! All is right with the world!"

"Oh. Good point."

A FEW MINUTES LATER...

Renee, also half-passed out, returned to his basic brain function. "_Voulez un massage?_"

"Thanks, but _non,_" Jubes replied.

"You speak French?" Tabby asked, obviously impressed.

"Remy taught me," Jubes responded. "It's amazing what people will tell you under the influence of alcohol."

Renee shrugged and headed outside. "Ah, Mr. LeBeau!" cried Hank (he was no longer on that plane of non-existence, if you were wondering). (2)

"_Qui?_" was Renee's response. "_Je n'ai pas la fierté pour s'appeler LeBeau._" (I'm not this guy LeBeau.)

Normally, Hank spoke French, but Renee was so drunk it made no sense. "Oh, my. You must've found Logan's stash of Molson's. Good thing he's missing too. Come, Remy, we have work to do."

"_Mais je ne suis pas-_" (But I'm not-) Renee began to object, but Hank was much stronger than he looked, and he was dragged off. "_Merde..._" Renee sighed and subjected to his fate.

So Tabby and Jubes, back in their room, were pretty bored. They were the only ones awake and drunk in this place, dammit. "What do we do now?" Jubilee asked. "We have cheese, but no tequila."

"Why don't we go get s'more?" Tabby suggested. "The nearest liquor store can't be far."

"Kay."

In the VIP buffet room. the dignitaries were now waking up. Bobby, who was staggering down the hallway to recover from his ass-kicking in his room, noted them. He got a very evil idea. After a bit of work, he made an ice chute from Remy and John's would-be room, then opened the door. The mutant cockroaches, pretty pissed off from being stuck in a cramped room, stampeded down the chute and into the VIP room. Bobby shut the door behind them, cackling madly. Then he slipped on his own ice patch. "Ow... my back... help..."

Needless to say, nobody came to his aid.

BACK ON THE X-QUEST...

The group had been walking, and walking, and **walking**. The scenery had been getting steadily stranger (i.e. becoming a jungle type place), and there was no sign of life, human or otherwise. That is, until a girl came crashing out of the greenery. "Who are you people?" she asked, not at all disconcerted.

The X-group stared at her, all very confused.

"Well, come on, answer," she said. "I don't have all day..."

They blinked and introduced theirselves.

"All right, I'm Thorn," said the girl. "What're you all doing here?"

"We're looking for Bayville," Sam replied.

"Oh, you're going in completely the wrong direction!" Thorn assured them.

"I hate tae say I told ye so, BUT I BLOODY TOLD YE SO!" Rahne yelled.

"All right, all right, so maybe we were a little off," Sam grumbled. "It's not my fault. The stupid sign was pointing the wrong way."

"Eh, too bad," said Thorn. "Are you guys gonna stick around? 'Cause this is a wildlife preserve, and if they catch you, I can't help."

"What!" asked all of the X-group in unison.

"This is a wildlife preserve," Thorn repeated. "You guys wandered on here 'cause of the road, right? I suppose if you payed attention to the Bayville sign you **didn't** pay attention to the preserve signs. Nobody does. My job is to kick you all out when you wander onto government land. Now can I ask you or do I have to show off?"

"If by show off you mean use your mutant powers, then no, you don't have to," said Sam, understandably nervous. "We're quite happy to go."

"If you're a mutant," said Amara, "then why're you working for the government?"

Thorn considered this. "You know... you're right... why **am** I working for the government? They don't pay me, bad dental, I don't get payed- did I mention they don't pay me?"

"Yes, you did," said Amara.

"You know what?" Thorn said. "I'm gonna come with you. What are you guys doing anyway?"

"We've been sent on a quest by the Monkey King of the Almighty Spider Cult to rescue the rights for the Almighty Chihauhua song from the Almighty Maker of Stuff, Forge," Rahne explained.

Thorn grinned. "COOL! I am **so** coming with you! Just let me get my animal friends!"

"Animal... friends?" Amara squeaked. She tried to hide behind Sam.

"What's up with her?" Thorn asked, pausing.

"She has an unnatural fear of all things foresty," Rahne whispered, leaning in. "Ignore her."

"Can't sleep..." Amara whimpered, rolling into a ball. "Squirrels will eat me... Chickens! Hedgehogs! Oh, aye, death death death!"

"What do we do?" Thorn asked.

"You go on with whatever," Sam replied. "We usually just push her along with a stick until she snaps out of it."

"Um, ok..." Thorn whistled, and a macaw landed on her shoulder, along with a squirrel, a bat, and a purple thing that burped. (3) "Shall we go, then?"

"Sure. Just let me get a stick," said Rahne, breaking one off the tree. "Now we just nudge her and she rolls quite nicely." Rahne prodded Amara and she curled up tighter, rolling forward a few feet.

"Well, that's... interesting."

ON THE X-TRUCK...

The girls were cackling quietly. Jamie was asleep on Logan's shoulder when the truck suddenly stopped. He jerked forward and made several dupes. "Oops."

"Hmm, wonder what's going on?" M.A. murmured. The question was quickly answered as two more girls joined them, Jubilee and Tabitha. "Oh, cool!"

They stumbled on. "Are you guys drunk?" Jamie asked immediately.

"Yes," both of them answered in perfect solemnity and unison.

"Why didn't I notice that first!" Logan cried.

"Hmm, good question," M.A. replied. "Probably becoming a running joke."

"Is this the liquor store?" Tabitha asked, trying to focus on Logan.

"This is the immigrant truck," Zee responded. "But shh, we gotta be quiet!"

"Oh, right, 'kay," Jubilee said.

"I love drunk people," said Zee with a large grin.

IN ROGUE'S ROOM...

Rogue sighed. The French Guy's voice had worn off, but for some reason Jean's anti-talking thing hadn't. Then a lightbulb went off. Literally. The light in her lamp fizzled out. But the room remained lit by the one above Rogue's head (the ceiling lamp, you idiot!). And Rogue got an idea. Cool, no? Well, anyway, Rogue, being the only observant X-men, knew that Ray was still at the bottom of the pool. Ray had a voice. Ray spoke English. Ray swore a lot, but he could **talk**, dammit!

Rogue dashed off, thoughts of speaking again instead of relying on her inner monologue to narrate for her dancing through her mind.

(And that's that. Sorry for the slow updates, but you know me. Lazy. Review, ppl! Suggestions will be loved, hugged, and put away in a corner to be used. Also, if you suggested something before but I never mentioned it, remind me and I'll try and work it in. I'm lazy -and- unobservant. How's that for multi-tasking?)

(1) Seriously, has anyone noticed the weird geography? I dunno, maybe I just didn't pay enough attention in Joyride, but mesas in New York struck me as odd.

(2) Remember, Renee and Remy look alike, just without the fuzzy cattipillar Remy calls a goatee.

(3) Lockheed, anyone?


	11. Fun with Italian, or Forge's Random Robo...

Disclaimer: "You drank the seawater, didn't you."

(An: Well... here we go again, my friends. ACBPB: He kind of looks like a pit bull, but purple. He's not gay! Maybe I would've made him gay, but for what I want to do to -Bobby-... think on that for a bit. Anyway- of course char torture is fun. And you just figured that out. -head shake- Ooh! Fun! And I just -heart- Amara bashing. Don't know why... -shrug- Di: Tell ya what, mon amie- I write a nice long you 'n Remy section and you get to work on CS! That'll be next chapter, k-wink- Can't use that yet- it would mean ending the story early- but I -can- use the drunk Jamie idea! SF: Eee! More ideas. Awesome. CDLOC: Eee! Compliments.)

AT THE X-POOL...

Rogue found Ray, who was floating at the bottom of the pool, amazingly not dead. The reason? Rob had taken pity on him and given him a snorkel. _Good thing he didn't breathe through his nose, _Rogue thought, fishing him out. Ray immediately regained conciousness and began babbling about his undying gratitude and waffles. Rogue was almost swayed by the waffles until she remembered her speaking problem. She shrugged and knocked him out. Unbeknownst to all, Ray floated back down to the bottom of the pool. "­_Molto bene...­_ _Maledicalo_!" (1)

Muttering to herself in- Rogue wasn't even sure what language she was speaking- she walked off. _This sucks_.

IN THE HALLWAY...

Bobby, who had passed out, was awakened by a guy prodding him. "'Scuse me..." said the guy.

"Ow..." Bobby muttered, opening his eyes. A confused-looking teenager was standing there.

"Do you have any idea why the carpet is soggy and there're mutant cockroaches running around the hotel?" he asked.

Speaking of roaches, one came galloping out of the VIP Buffet room, a girl clinging to his back. "Get! Me! Off! This! Thing!" she yelled as it ran off, bumping into walls.

"Aurora, what did you do now?" the guy muttered, helping Bobby up. "JP's the name. Who're you?" (2)

"Bobby," he replied, looking around. His ice slide had melted and the French dignitaries were stumbling out of the room, rubbing their heads and muttering variations of "Stupid Americans..."

"Oh, you're one of the nutballs from the band, aren't you?" JP asked.

"...Nutballs?"

"Some of your friends totalled the other dignitaries. Very rude."

"Oh, god, that would've been Tabby and Jubes," Bobby muttered. "Why was your sister riding a cockroach?"

"We were in there," JP responded, thumbing at the VIPBR. "She's always doing weird stuff like that. Split personality and what-not. Wanna help me look for her?"

"Why?"

"Because your friends helped cause it, you know how to deal with the mutant cockroaches, you don't have anything better to do- I can keep going..."

"Um... sure..."

ON THE X-QUEST...

With Thorn's help the X-group had made it to Bayville. The only mishap, believe it or not, was that Amara still hadn't come out of the fetal position. There were leaves, sticks, and quite a lot of mud in her hair. She didn't seem to notice.

"Is she all right?" Thorn whispered to Rahne.

"Oh, aye, she'll come out of it... eventually."

They made their way to Forge's house. "I think this is it..." Sam said.

"That's pretty obvious, considering how there's a chrome-covered super-lab in the back," Thorn commented.

"What do we do? Just knock?" Rahne asked.

"I guess..." Sam said nervously. He remembered what had happened the last time the X-men had contacted the super-genius... he was **so** not into demons from another dimension. He took a deep breath.

"It's open dudes!" came a voice from within the metal behemoth.

The X-group (and Thorn) made their way down the hallway. They began to hear a very weird noise. It sounded like... "THE CHICKEN SONG!" Amara cried, finally coming out of the fetal position.

From the end of it and Forge's workroom came a voice. "Come on, I've seen a better chicken dance from Magneto!" (3)

The X-group (again, and Thorn) looked at each other nervously, then continued on.

They pushed Sam out in front of them and edged into the workroom. They met a most odd sight.

Forge was lined up in front of a troop of dancing chihuahua robots. They were all clicking castanets and shaking maracas. "We'll never get to the macarena at this rate!" Then he noticed the X-group (I believe we can from now on assume Thorn was with them). "Who the hell are you guys?"

Amara and Rahne nudged Sam forward. "Er... Sam? Cannonball? X-men!"

"Oh, you guys are the midget not-quite-X-men," Forge said dismissively.

"WE ARE **TOO **X-MEN!"

"SEE the spandex!" Amara cried, pushing up her sleeve. "**SEE IT**!"

"Well, ok, whatever, dudes. What do you guys want?"

"We're here on a quest from the Monkey Spider Cult to get back the rights to the Almighty Chihuahua song," Rahne explained.

"...What song? You lot are going have to be more specific."

The X-men looked at each other, shrugged, and burst into song.

"Chihuahua! x4  
Oh, Chihuahua!  
I'm walking in the street  
And the moon shine's bright  
A little melody keeps feeling on my mind tonight  
I gotcha!  
It's the song about Chihuahua  
Yeah, that's cool alright  
It was fun  
And a life without sorrow  
Feels young  
And when you think about tomorrow  
Say YO!"

"Oh, **that** Chihuahua Song," said Forge, nodding.

"How many can there be?" Thorn asked, cocking her head and almost dropping Reggie her Hamster Pal.

Forge began to dig through his desk. "Huh..." he mumbled, scratching his head. "Oh, I remember now! I sold it to that jive turkey who came through here a while ago!"

The X-men groaned. "Who?" Sam asked.

"Um..." Forge thought for a moment, rubbing his soul patch. "It's kinda hard to remember, pretty drunk at the time..."

"But you're not old enough to drink," Amara objected, puzzled.

"I may **look** like a seventeen-year-old, but I'm almost thirty, dammit!" Forge cried, with the annoyance of someone who's had to explain the same thing over and over again. "Anyway... Oh, yeah, Bob the Mexican!"

"**Who**?"

"If you want it, he's got it. Just look for the big clunky immigrant truck. Now begone! I must conquer the world with my chihuahua minions!" He let out a very impressive evil laugh.

The X-group was all-too-happy to oblige.

"Man, he's creepy," Thorn muttered.

"Damn straight," said the New Mutants in unison.

BACK AT THE HOTEL...

Bobby was not at all sure how he and JP ended up in the sewers. Well, he knew, but he didn't like it.

"Look," JP'd said, pointing. "Cockroach sign." He held up a little sign that said "Cockroach was here" on it. (4)

"And let me guess," Bobby'd muttered. "It went down into the sewers, and your sister's probably down there, too?"

"_Oui_," JP'd agreed, nodding. "You catch on fast... for an idiot."

"I am **not** an idiot! Have you been talking to the author?"

"Who?"

So now they were down in the sewers beneath the hotel, looking for a cockroach that they weren't even positive was down here. To compound the situation, JP kept hitting on him after he'd mentioned his gripe about the uniforms.

"Come now," JP said. "You run around in spandex all day, and then gripe about their appearances, and you expect me to think you're straight? Are you at least bi? Come on, throw me a bone here!"

"I am **NOT** bi!" Bobby screamed, stopping short. "I hate the uniforms because they are creepy, and do not look good on anyone. And they give WAAAAY TMI when it comes to- ahem- assets."

"Once again, the fact that you even notice proves my point," JP replied.

"Dammit, man, I am not gay!"

"My sister and that shopkeeper guy were right. It **is** fun to watch somebody go through the denial stage."

"SHUT UP!"

JP shook his head but complied.

ON THE IMMIGRANT TRUCK...

"So we're stuck with- what is it now, six crazy girls?" Logan muttered.

"Yep," M.A. agreed. "Gosh, you're perceptive!"

"And let me guess- it's just going to get worse from now on, isn't it," Logan continued.

"Wow, you've really caught on!"

Logan muttered something incoherent that was probably an insult and turned to Jubes and Tabby, who were trying to ask Bob if he had any tequila.

"That's a lost cause," Zee interrupted. "He doesn't speak any English."

"But the rest of us seem to manage **just** fine," Noelle added.

"Except for that bit in the Sahara desert with Fred the lizard," Kitty interrupted. (5)

"That **so** doesn't count," M.A. interjected. "We were drunk and in strip-dancing costumes- we won't even go **near** that, ok- and we couldn't understand Bob's directions. So we followed a lizard named Fred. So bloody sue us."

Suddenly the truck screeched to a halt.

"That can't be good," said all four sober girls in unison.

"Be quiet!" hissed the guy up front. "BP!"

Everyone went real quiet... except of course for our favorite X-chicks, Jubes and Tabby.

"What are they talking about?" Jubilee drunk-whispered to Tabby. This is the basic equivalent of a stage whisper, i.e. not really a whisper at all.

"There was this song I heard once, Banana Phone," Tabby said thoughtfully. "Maybe they mean that."

And in one fateful instant, Tabitha Smith burst into song. "RING RING RING RING RING BANANA PHONE!"

"Oh, shit," Logan muttered as the doors of the truck burst open and creepy cop-type guys with flashlights (hereafter referred to as CCTGF) peered in.

"That can't be good," said the sober girls again.

(And that's that. Sorry it's so late but now I have a schedule! I will try and update this every other Monday, or sooner.)

(1) The language is Italian. It means "Very good... Goddammit!"

(2) Why'd I put Jean-Pierre whatever-his-impossible-to-spell-last-name-is a.k.a. Northstar, and with Bobby no less? A) because I was reading the Uncanny X-Sprites comic (look it up, it's awesome) and I didn't get the Northstar jokes, so I read his bio and thought it was cooly, B) I've been slacking off on the Bobby torture, and C) I read the fic "Sun, Sea, Surfing and Sarcasm," in search for Northstar character. I probably got him all wrong anyway, though.

(3) Best line -evar-. Not sure where I picked it up, though.

(4) From Spongebob.

(5) Fred the lizard is from "Rescuers Down Under", which is actually a very funny flick.


	12. Here Thar Be LOTR References, or the Ret...

Disclaimer: "Help the good guys, fight the bad! I always mix that up!"

(An: Whelp, here we go again... CDLOC: As always, thankee for the compliment. SF: Ideas! -is SO using that- DCDDFD: That's a mouthful- worse than TATDATXM. That's actually a very good movie. Yep, I've always loved JP- always is about three weeks, of course! Bob the Mexican is a joke me and my friend Noelle made up... we were bored. -Very- bored. And of course he's going to... just wait until Bobby and JP meet Jubes... I have such evil plans- I have a plan! I amaze me sometimes. Also, I'm putting you in in this chapter, but skipping out on the description... now you've got the power to make other people see what you imagine... but I don't know your -cough- name... Redgirl44: I thought nobody noticed that! According to Toddfan Pyro is afraid of sporks... -shrug-)

AT THE X-HOTEL...

Renee the Sexy Poolboy was muttering to himself. He was being very rude, but it didn't matter because no one could understand him, anyway. "Hey, are you gay?" Hank asked him, stopping short.

"**_Quoi_**!"

"Well, you **are** in a Speedo," Hank pointed out.

"_FERME-LA!_"

"I'll take that as a no," said Hank, and kept walking.

IN THE SEWERS...

"We're completely lost, aren't we?" JP asked.

"Why would you ask that?" Bobby responded.

"Because we've been walking for almost an hour, haven't seen any more cockroach signs, and now we're standing in front of a sign that says 'here thar be dwarves'. If there's anything I hate more than homophobes, it's you Americans and your bad spelling!" (1)

"Good point. Should we keep going?"

"We don't have anything better to do, do we?"

"Again, good point."

BACK AT THE BAR... FINALLY...

Pyro, Shelly, Remy, and Di had met up, completely by accident. "Ok, so dat's us... but where's Kurt?" Remy asked.

"That is a very good question, mate," Pyro agreed.

SOMEWHERE IN THE HOTEL...

As it turned out, the hotel was a lot bigger than it looked. Kurt was freaking out. He had no idea where he was. The ground was dusty, there were no numbers on the door- either that or they'd been buried beneath all the dust- and he himself was covered in dust. "Damn it, I need a shower here!"

"Hey, do you know where we are?" asked a voice behind him. "I don't!"

"Who- what?" Kurt whirled. Hanging from the ceiling was a girl... and rabbits... or men... "WHAT THE HELL!"

"Ooh, you **swore**," said one of the bunny-men.

"Quiet, you," said the girl.

"How did you- why are you- what the hell are you doing here?" Kurt yelled, freaking out.

"Hmm," said the girl, tapping her lips. "Good question. I was playing with my bunnies, and then I was here!" She shrugged, and grinned down at Kurt, looking kind of like a sadistic monkey.

"Who are you?"

"I'm a cute but psycho bunny!" cried the girl and let out a worthy-of-said-title cackle.

"She is," agreed the bunny she'd spoken to.

"Um, all right," said Kurt, looking a little scared. Then he remembered why he was there. "Hey, you haven't seen a weird shape-shifting idiot bouncing around drunk, have you?"

"Huh..." said the girl, tapping her lip. "Nope, don't believe I have. Why, are you looking for one?"

"Well, why would I ask otherwise?"

"That's a very good question." The girl appeared to think about it, then blinked. "I'm sorry, do I know you? Hi, I'm a cute but pyscho bunny."

"Um, yes, you said that. And I'm Kurt."

"You have a name? Wow... do I know you?"

"I just said I'm Kurt."

"You **are**? You know, you look familiar." She squinted at him.

"Oh, Lord, here we go again..." muttered one of the bunny-men.

"Hi!" said the girl. "Who are you?"

"Hello, I just introduced myself **twice** here!"

"Oh, you did?" said the girl. Then she blinked. "Oh- oh my. You've got to know- I have short-term memory loss. It's here, it's there, and then, approximately fourty seconds later it's gone again... HI!"

"You know, it's funny how she can always remember the short-term memory loss line, but can't remember anyone's name for more than five seconds," said another random bunny-dude.

"Fourty!" cried the girl.

"Or how she can always remember the exact number of seconds it takes her to forget something," agreed another one.

"That's not weird," Kurt protested. "It's one of the author's lame running jokes."

"Who are you again?" asked all of the people in the rafters at once.

"Oh man," Kurt muttered. "This is going to take a while..."

BACK OUTSIDE...

"What do we do now?" Shelly asked, looking bored.

"Who are you again?" Alie inquired, cocking her head.

"She's right, what **do** we do now?" asked a voice.

"Kurt?" said Remy and Pyro in unison.

Surely enough, sitting on a random car, was Kurt... or was it? -insert evil laughter-

BACK INSIDE THE HOTEL...

"You know, suddenly I have the feeling that somewhere, somehow, someone's impersonating me," said Kurt.

"That's wonderfully specific," said PB, still hanging from the rafters. "Now, who are you again?"

"It's funny how many times that's been used lately..." said a bunny-dude.

"Actually, it's not," said PB. "It was funny maybe the first three-to-fifty times, but now it's just one of those plethora of annoying running jokes... WTF did I just say? ...Who are you people?"

"Oh, great, here we go again," said a random bunny-dude. "And my name is **Bob**, by the way."

"Ok, Bob works," Kurt agreed. "Just don't go into the spiel about the running jokes again, ok? I don't want to be reminded of the author more than need be."

BACK OUTSIDE THE HOTEL... this is getting annoying, isn't it?

"I hate it when we get ignored in favor of running jokes," Pyro muttered.

All of the others- except Kurt, who was doing the Happy Hamster Dance atop the random car- turned to stare at him. "You are the weirdest person I've ever met," said Shelly. "You **rock**."

"I know, I know," said Pyro, preening.

Remy stared at him for the obligatory five-second-stare-time, then looked back to everyone else. "I t'ink... we should get drunk. Heavily. And then do the obligatory extremely stupid stuff."

"Good idea!" everyone else yelled.

BACK AT THE X-HOTEL...

"Well, Mr. LeBeau, it would seem you are highly intoxicated," said Hank.

"_Quoi_?"

"You're drunk."

_"C'est donné."_ (That's a given.)

"So, we need to get you undrunk."

"_Comment_?" (How?)

Hank grinned and held up a squirrel, a toy bus, and a beaver. (2)

_"J'ai un sentiment très mauvais à ce sujet..."_ (I have a very bad feeling about this...)

DOWN IN THE SEWERS...

"Hey, Bobby..."

"Yeah?"

"You guys don't have any short friends with axes, do you?"

"Not that I know of, why?"

"Because there one is now." JP pointed. Standing in front of them was a nasty-looking dwarf, holding an axe that was almost as tall as he was.

"We're in trouble."

"ELF!" the dwarf yelled, pointing at JP's pointy ears... pun not intended. He sounded oddly like John Rhys-Davies, as a matter of fact. (3)

A bunch of other random dwarves faded out of nowhere and surrounded them.

"I AM NOT AN ELF!" JP yelled. "Honestly, I thought I dispelled that rumor!" (4)

"Spaz later, fight for your life now!"

JP just rolled his eyes, grabbed Bobby, and flew off.

"How the-?" Bobby asked, as they landed about fifty feet from the dwarves.

"Did I forget to mention I'm a mutant **and** gay? Honestly, there's just so much to like about me!"

"You're creepy, ok?"

"Say what you will; you know you love me."

"Ew..."

From the background there was a shout of "KILL THE ELF!"

"You know, I'm starting to think running's a good option now," Bobby said, glancing nervously over his shoulder.

"Yeah, probably."

"KILL THE ELF... and his little gay friend!"

"I AM NOT GAY!"

"Come on, let's just run," said JP, grabbing Bobby before he could do something stupid... as usual.

WHEREVER ROGUE IS...

Rogue sighed and slumped down into her seat. _Ah've searched thirty-two sleazy bars, not counting that gay club, and Ah still don't have a clue where the professor is. How hard could it be to find a bald guy in a wheelchair and a pimp hat? Ask a stupid question..._

"So before yaz put me in the ground, buy me another round, yaz bugger you!" (5)

_Ah'd know that annoying, self-righteous voice anywhere- even if it is drunk! The professor!_

"Oh, hello Rogue," said the professor, who had apparently acquired a feather in his pimp hat.

_LET ME TALK, DAMMIT!_

"Can't," said the obviously drunk professor... come to think of it, slurred's probably a better term.

_WHY NOT!_

"No need to shout... it's 'cause Jean put the bonds on you. She, as the Pheonix, is infinitely more powerful than I am-"

_We haven't DONE that story arc yet!_

"We haven't? I thought, since we'd done it in every other form of X-men media-"

_There was a rumor, but we never acted on it, dammit! Now are ya gonna help me or not?_

"Well, ok... then the reason is because I'm a sadistic, dirty old bastard and like to see you suffer. AND I'M DRUNK!"

_That's obvious!_ Rogue kicked him- hard- right where he was currently thinking with and walked off, muttering to himself.

(Sorry I'm so slow... hope that was worth it. -sheepish grin- And Di, before you say anything, there was no long, drawn-out, witty you/Remy scene 'cause you -still- haven't done your chapter of CS... but I'll give you one more week before starting to seriously annoy you. You haven't seen anything yet. REVIEW!)

(1) Paraphrased from Dave the Barbarian.

(2) From Invader Zim.

(3) -cough cough-GIMLI-coughcough-

(4) There was a long and drawn out story arc where Aurora and JP were thought to be elves due to their pointy ears but really got played and got stuck in Valhalla or some similar place... trust me, it's confusing.

(5) -le gasp- An -actual- Dark Tower quote, as opposed to obscure references! I think I could die of happiness.


	13. A Game of POV Tag, or MIB References!

Disclaimer: "I myself have noticed my growing resemblance to a daffodil." (1)

(An: Well, here we go again. I know I haven't been writing **any** fanfictionseveral people sigh in reliefbut I've been working on some stuff that might actually make me money, so ner. Anyway, responses: Di: -pats- Exams are scary. But you guys have time to study. Over here in the states we have random quizzes. -shudders- SF: Gone for a week? Well, it doesn't really matter, since it's been like a week since I updated... -sheepish grin- Ooh, I likes. Yelling about directions: always good. DCDDFD: I know, it's hard to type typos on purpouse! My friend give me funny looks (figuratively anyway) when I gripe about their bad spelling on MSN messenger. I make up words and people stare at me, but they end up using them anyway... -evil smirk- Word in point: cooly. Seriously, start using it. People will hate you, and then they'll start saying it completely by accident... tangent, right, response. Yep, it was inspired by Finding Nemo... Yep, Bobby's bi. It's funny. Well, if -you- were a sexy poolboy and people kept calling you "LeBeau" and asking if you were gay, wouldn't you be offended? Besides, the "ultimate insult" around guys is calling them gay. -shakes head- And I watched Legally Blonde this weekend! I'm gonna go have to dredge up my tape now... Anyway, weren't they good? -squees- My name, M.A., is short for Mary Anne, which everyone always spells wrong, so I shortened it. Anyway, I could've gotten an infuriority complex (four of my aunts are Marys or Annes, and one is Mary Ann, spelled like that, so I have reason to be P.O.'ed.).Yep, it's Morph. He likes messing w/ people's heads. Ooh, randomness! I will SO use that in conjuction with SF's ideas! ETA: ETA! -hops around, humming the halleluja chorus and muttering about first FFN reviewer- Sexchange? I can use that! And the latter half of your edress didn't show up, chiclet! PhantomPunkEvo: Um... thanks for the... enthusiasm! I know, the summary was deceptive, but there won't be Romy for a while... I'm bad at giving what I promise... Yes, Jott will suffer, but what does GERAH mean? And to inform everyone, this chappy's my attempt to tie up most of the storylines and reduce them all so it's easier for all of us ('specially me) to keep track...)

BACK WITH BOBBY AND JP...

"So, do you think-" JP began, but Bobby slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Don't say it!" Bobby hissed, removing his hand.

"Why not?"

"'Cause if you say something like 'we outran them' they'll catch up! Don't you watch movies!"

"Good point."

"Now if we walk really slowly, we might just stay ahead of them..."

JP blinked, then followed.

AT THE HOTEL...

Since Alie had the key to the liquor case, the X-group was getting good and drunk...

WITH KURT, WHEREVER THE HECK HE IS...

"So what is your name, really?" Kurt asked of the girl, who'd climbed down

"AJ!" she cried. "And you're... Kally, right?"

"It's **Kurt**!"

"Kurt, right... hi! I'm AJ!" (2)

Kurt began to bang his head against the wall.

"Doesn't that hurt?"

"It's gonna be a **long** night..." Bob muttered.

BACK IN THE SEWERS...

"You know, I keep getting the feeling we're missing something," JP commented.

"Eh, that's just the author and her addiction with POV hopping. Don't mind it; just keep walking." (3)

JP shrugged and followed.

AT THE X-HOTEL...

Rogue had come back, muttering to herself (well, figuratively, anyway). The scene that met her was chaos. To explain it fully, we'll have to back up a bit...

ABOUT TEN MINUTES AGO...

Soy had finally arisen from his drunken slumber, as had Rob. _"¿Cualquier persona tiene aspirina? Realmente lo necesito, hombre..."_ (Does anyone have aspirin? I really need it, man...)

"Sorry, dude, used the last of it..." said Rob, who was feeling much better now.

"_Usted aspira._" (According to Babelfish, you suck.)

"Hey, dude, that's just rude, ok? Here, have some ice," Rob said, flinging some at him.

"OW!" Soy shouted, ducking the ice. He ran out into the hallway and nearly got trampled by some more of those weird mutant cockroaches. "OW!"

"VIVE LE REVOLUTION!" Yep, it was the cannon guy, riding out and once again trying to fire it.

This time it worked, and Soy got catapaulted across the hallway, screaming all the way.

Rob came out, looking for his friend, and seeing what the cannon guy had done, decided to attack him.

And that was when Rogue came in.

"Oh, hi Rogue!" Rob yelled, holding the cannon guy in a headlock.

_Ah'm not gonna ask... not that Ah _could,_ anyway..._

BACK IN THE SEWER...

After a lot of walking, Bobby and JP finally found Aurora, hanging from the ceiling. JP bent back his head to inspect her. "How'd you get up there?"

Aurora glared down at him. "I got chased by a bunch of short people with axes who kept calling me an elf, and I tried to blast my way out, and I got stuck. So sue me!"

JP shook his head. He used his special flight-power-things to get her down. As soon as they landed, he said, "I keep telling you, our motto should be 'Born to fly real fast and crash into things.'" (3)

"And I keep telling you, it's dumb. Ooh, who's he? He's cute!"

"Hey, I saw him first."

"I'M STRAIGHT!"

"Right," said both of the twins.

"I am! And my name's Bobby."

"So what now?" JP asked.

"I say that we go that way," Aurora suggested.

"Yeah, but that's back to the dwarves!"

"Hey guys!" Bobby said.

"So? We can blind 'em!"

"Guys..."

"There were about a million of them. With axes. And we have to bring Bobby."

"GUYS!"

"So?"

"Hey, FROG DUDES!" Bobby yelled, carefully pronouncing each syllable. (4)

The twins stopped arguing to look at him, eyes narrowing. "What?"

"You ever consider that could be the way out?" Bobby asked, pointing at a staicase with a sign that said "Exit" over it.

"Oh."

They headed up the staircase. "You do realize," said JP to Bobby, "that we're going to kill you for the frog dudes comment, right?"

"Well, yeah..."

WITH JOTT...

Jean and Scott woke up in darkness. "ARM YOURSELVES!" cried their penguin guard, throwing paintball guns at them.

They blinked, their small brains taking an improportional amount of time to process the request.

Their penguin guard led them to a large room where the zombie-goggle-wearing-fish-wielding penguins were all lined up, but now instead of goggles they were wearing bandannas and wielding paintball guns.

General Pengy was sitting on his throne, grinning... well, sort of. "And now, the game can commence! The teams are GWPUTA and his girlfriend against everybody else! GO!"

Jott's screams were muffled by thousands of feathers and the sound of paintball splats.

BACK AT THE HOTEL...

The scene that met Bobby and the twins was just as much chaos as the scene that met Rogue, considering it had only been a few minutes since she'd gotten back. "Hi, Rogue," Bobby said. "What's going on?"

Rogue just glared at him and stormed off to her room.

"What was up with her?" Aurora asked.

Bobby shrugged. "She's prone to random angst, like every other X-person. It's the way of the world."

"Well, remind me never to quit Alpha Flight for your team, then," said JP. (5)

It just so happened just at that moment that Renee the Sexy Poolboy and Hank came out of Hank's room. Renee was huddled in the fetal position and trembling. He was muttering something unitelligible in his native tongue. "You see?" Hank said, oblivious. "Now you're sober."

"Eep..."

"Who's that?" JP asked, cocking his head.

His sister jabbed him in the side with her elbow. "Down, boy."

"What? He's wearing a Speedo. He's fair game!"

ON THE IMMIGRANT BUS...

The immigrants (which included Our Heroes) were lined up and the BP were inspecting them.

"Should we do something?" Jamie whispered to Logan.

"Nah, kid, they're just doin' their job. We deserve it for ridin' in an immigrant truck."

Meanwhile, Tabby and Jubes were trying to remember how to use their powers. "We can take 'em, Jubesy!"

"Jus' let me find my hands and we'll do it!"

To sum up, Jubes and Tabby remembered and kicked the BP dudes' collective asses.

"Well... uh, that worked, anyway," said M.A. "I guess we should start walking now, huh?"

"Yep," said everyone else in unison.

(And that's that. Short but good, I hope.)

(1) Anyone who guesses where this is from gets a big no-prize.

(2) I'm seeing how long I can go before this joke can annoy me... :)

(3) Ditto, and also I keep hopping to avoid annoyingly boring phrases like "They kept walking" or "He followed" too much.

(4) Paraphrased from Men in Black. I want to parody that movie eventually, with Bobby as Jay.

(5) He ended up doing that... eventually...


	14. A Very, Very Long Night, or the Frog Not...

Disclaimer: "Nothing says love like a monkey. It's a fuzzy screeching bundle of tenderness!"

(An: Sorry I'm so slow... I'm lazy... that's me. Has anyone noticed? (You can thank PB for plugging me and giving me my inspiration back.) Anyway: DCDDFD: I'm very picky about the spelling. It's two words, capital A with an e. Everyone seems to spell it like this or like this: Maryann or Mary ann. Weird, no? It's really annoying. Ooh, was that by Cheesy Monkey? I love her fics! K will be Logan (duh, crusty old guy with an attitude problem), the Morgue Chick, Laurel, will be Rogue (another duh, 'cause she's creepy and Bobby hits on her), and the icky bug guy will probably be Mastermind, 'cause of his habit of possesing people and my habit of putting minor chars in major parts. -grins- Di: I like the length, thank you! And they aren't pop quizzes, they're evil little things, sprung upon us at random times by our evil teacher... I don't really care, though! It was Neal! You get a banana! (Or something banana-like.) Nee! Institute stuph! But I'm open to suggestions as well. ETA: Howdy? Heh heh, you made a pun. I like puns. I do believe I've noticed the sister/sister mutual loathing... Of course I'm pleased! I owe you Rodna-the-never-ending-hamster-plot-device!)

AT THE X-HOTEL

Kitty was scowling. She had nothing to do... then she got an idea! She decided to go look for the other X-band members, to see how many people remained of their original group and thus, how screwed they really were.

She found Ray in the pool, naturally.

"Oh, thank God, I thought I was going to be stuck down there forever, did you know that the hotel has a race of sentient mer people and I was their king and-"

Kitty checked off Ray on the list and shoved him back in the pool. "You, like, talk too much."

She walked out into the hallway and found Rob trying to raise Soy. Then she spotted JP, who was waiting for Rob to acheive this so he could flirt with him.

"I'm **bored**," Aurora moaned. "Why aren't there any asses around to kick?" she demanded of Bobby.

"This is a **humor** story. **Humor**. There's not even a plot!" Bobby replied.

"You make less and less sense the more you open your mouth," JP said.

"I get that a lot," Bobby responded, looking confused.

"Let's go outside!" Aurora cried, grabbing her brother's hand.

Bobby sighed and headed after them. "Oh, hey, Kitty," he said, keeping a nervous five feet distance between them at all times.

"CHECK!" Kitty cried as though she'd just been awarded the Cadillac at the Bingo hall.

"Hey, did you guys know this hotel has a pond?" Aurora asked as they exited the hotel. "Let's go check it out!"

"Did you eat those brownies?" JP demanded, still being dragged along behind her. "'Cause I really didn't like the way they smelled. I totally think they were spiked."

"Maaaybe..."

"You did, didn't you!"

"Does it matter?"

"YES, dammit!"

"Hey, look! A frog!" Bobby shouted, not-very-inconspicuously changing the subject.

"Where?" the twins demanded, pausing in their argument.

Said frog was sitting by the pond. "What? I'm not an enchanted frog. I mean, uh- ribbit," said the frong. (1)

"OOH!" Aurora cried, springing at the frog.

"You are such an idiot," JP muttered. "I'm embarrased to be related to you."

Aurora ignored him and held up the frog. She patted it, the frog making unhappy squeaky noises. She kissed its head 'cause she's weird like that. (2) And, because he's a frog like that, the frog suddenly turned into a guy... Todd Tolensky in fact. (3) "DIBS!" Aurora shrieked.

"Damn," JP muttered.

Aurora began to make eyes at the disoriented Todd. He wasn't THAT disoriented, of course, and ran off screaming, "SARA!" (4)

"They always do that," Aurora sniffled.

"Can we go back inside now?" JP asked.

ON THE X-QUEST...

The X-group (and Thorn and her animal friends)

"Where are we?" Amara demanded of Thorn.

"How would I know?" she replied.

"Because you know everything?"

"We're lost, Amara, deal with it," Rahne said.

"We aren't lost!" Sam cried.

"Are you **sure** about that?" Amara asked of him.

"Of course we're not!"

"So then where **are** we, oh great sage?"

"We're right here on this very spot of course!" Sam cried triumphantly. Rahne and Amara fell over, anime-style. "Being lost isn't a matter of knowing where you are; it's simply a matter of knowing where you aren't." (5)

"Riiight..." said Thorn. "Hey, look, there're more people coming!" She shaded her eyes and pointed down the road.

In the way of fanfic cliches (and because I am getting seriously SICK of all this POV hopping), it was Our Heroes (and those annoying other people).

"Jubilee?" Amara asked, shading her eyes.

"You KNOW those freaks?" Thorn demanded, pointing at the group... who, admittedly, were freaks.

"Hey guys!" Jubilee slurred.

Jamie ran forward and grabbed Rahne's shirt. "Rahne-it-was-awful-there-were-bugs-and-**Sue Anna** (tm)-and-hamsters-and-Logan-was-lovesick-and-and-we-got-lost-and-there-was-a-psycho-and-and-we-met-Bob-and-he-was-scary-and-Jubes-and-Tabby-are-drunk-and-"

"Jamie, shut up," Sam said.

Jamie began to cry.

"That could be considered an angsty moment... if it didn't involve **Sue Anna** (tm)... or weren't in this at all," M.A. commented.

"Ok... so now what?" Zee asked.

"You wouldn't by any chance know somebody by the name of Bob the Mexican, would you?" Sam begged.

Everyone from the immigrant bus instantly pointed at him (except Jubes and Tabby, who had passed out). "_Hola._"

"WE NEED THE CHIHUAHUA SONG!" cried all of the X-questers at once.

"_Oh. Sí. Eso. Aquí_," said Bob, holding out a very, very dirty piece of paper. (Oh. Yeah. That. Here.)

"So... that's it... we have it now?" Rahne asked.

"I'm not touching that," said Amara.

Sam was dancing with the paper. "WE CAN GO BACK!" he screamed.

"There's one small flaw in that logic," Rahne said. "Where is back?"

"Where are **we**, period?" Amara asked.

"...Damn," said everyone in perfect unison (or in Spanish).

WITH KURT...

"I bet they're all busy now, getting drunk without me," Kurt muttered.

"Oh, don't be so pessimistic, Katya-" AJ began. (6)

"It's **Kurt**! I'm a **guy**!"

"Riiight..."

"What's there to be doubted about that?" Bob wondered, cocking his head.

"You shut up."

Kurt sighed, shook his head, mentally declared it hopeless, and started off down the hallway, still searching for the way out.

(And that's that. It might be a little shorter than usual... and a lot later... but um... yeah. Sorry. Next chapter will be Remy and Di's Big Drunken Adventure (or the quest for Pixie Stix)! Because I promised her.)

(1) A Dave the Barbarian quote which inspired the whole rest.

(2) Anyone who knows which fic of mine has at least fifteen "Like that"s gets a chappy dedicated to them.

(3) I really do like Toad. He's funny.

(4) Sara, the spectacular OC/Todd-snuggle-bunny of the fic "Misfits". Four words: Best. OC. Story. Ever. (Sorry Di, but this, "Flotsam" and "I Need a Really Good Title" take precedence) It's awesome. Go read it. NOW.

(5) Philosiphy from "The Phantom Tollbooth."

(6) Kurt's name in the gender-switch oneshot I'm working on. -grins-


	15. Remy and Di's Amazing Drunken Adventure!

Disclaimer: "You don't become the world's most reputed telepath just because you're bald."

(An: More X-band, because Di told me she'd watch Star Wars if I did. Huh. Nobody guessed what fic it was. Here's a hint: It's not XME. We are assuming that this is in the morning now, ok? DCDDFD: Ok, from now on you're back to PB, because that acronym is a hassle. Got it? Anyway, Star Trek? -does the "Live long and prosper" thing and grows Vulcan ears- I do so love Star Trek. But Enterprise mostly sucked. -clears throat- I like making fun of the X-men movies with my friends... who usually don't get my jokes, heheh. I only picked Katya because, according to the 'Nutter, that's one of his little sisters. Yep. They're lost. Don't quite know what I'm going to do with them, though. You know, you could go ahead and post that on your account... that's why I sent it to ye, mate. Di: Poor you. Too bad I don't have enough money to send you Pixie Stix. Cat: I'll keep it quiet if you send me some, mate. SF: ...I'm going to be a master of disguise! I'm going to be a master of disguise! -does the twirly finger thing- Ignore that, your beginning exclamation made me think of that. Hey... can you give me ideas for the X-questers? Because your randomness would be better applied there, since I have no ideas... -nervous chuckle- Toddfan: OMG! It's TODDFAN! -squeals- Sorry, but you're like my idol when it comes to randomness... anyway, here's some more Forgey-ness just for you. Because Forge is totally kickass.)

So by now all of the gang at the bar were quite drunk. Shelly was passed out in a corner, Pyro was slurring "Waltzing Matilda" (that was how you could tell he was drunk; he usually professed to hating that song with every fiber of his being), Gambit was looking for something, and Di was watching him.

"I don' believe it," said Gambit.

"What?" asked Di, spinning around in her chair.

"Dey have no Pixie Stix."

"What now?"

"Pixie Stix! As in dose little tubes of deliciousness!"

"Still haven't the faintest what you're talking about..."

"They're pure sugar! You've **honestly** never heard of them."

"Nope."

"We have t' go get some." (1)

"It's something to do..."

Di shrugged and followed Remy out of the bar. Of course, "Kurt" followed **her**, even more drunk then he'd been that night.

"Let's try that gas station," Gambit suggested, pointing across the road.

Of course, to get there, they had to cross the road. Which was busy. And showed no signs of slowing down.

"Kurt, why don' y' bamf us across? We be in, we be out, like dat," Remy snapped his fingers.

"Too... drunk... can't see straight," was "Kurt's" response.

Di and Remy shrugged at each other. "Good excuse as any," Remy responded. "Guess we'll jus' have t' go across ourselves."

This was, as mentioned, not a great prospect.

"There's a tunnel over there," said "Kurt", pointing.

"Yes," Di agreed, "but it's in the middle of the road. We do not want to be in the middle of the road. The road is bad... bad road!"

"Maybe we can get a ride," Remy suggested, sticking out his thumb.

Bad idea. Hitchhiking happens to be illegal in certain parts of New York... the spot around the bar being one of those parts.

An omnipresent police guy screeeeeched to a stop in front of them.

Remy quickly shoved his hands in his pockets, a little too late thanks to the drunk thing, though.

"Hey, you guys ain't hitchikers, are you?" said the cop, sticking his head out of the window and leering at them with his creepy mustache.

"Um..." said all the Pixie-Stix fanatics.

"You are, ain't ya?" He eyed Remy suspiciously, then eyed "Kurt", who was singing the "Doom Song" (2) whilst turning in a circle. Then he turned his attention to Di and gave an appreciative whistle.

"I don't hold with cops," Di sniffed, "you don't have a gun." (3)

"I do so!" cried the indignant cop, who... promptly reached into his pants.

Remy and "Kurt" quickly covered their eyes with shrieks of "No NOT THAT!" (4)

Thankfully, he didn't do whatever perverted thing that "Kurt" and Remy thought he would, no, he pulled out a gun. "SEE!" he cried triumphantly.

Di peered at it. "So Americans **do** have guns... will wonders never cease."

"So... are you guys hitchikers or what?"

"If we say no, will you believe us?" "Kurt" asked.

"Sure, why not," said the cop. He leaned out of the window even closer and whispered, "I'm just a Rent-A-Cop, anyway. And this isn't really a gun."

"You... you **lied** to me?" Di demanded, getting sniffly.

"It's a fake," the cop admitted, with a sad nod.

"WE'RE OVER!" Di shrieked, turning and just dashing across the freeway.

"...Should we try that?" "Kurt" asked of Remy.

"Worth a shot... and it'll get us away from **dat**," said Remy, pointing at the now sobbing cop.

"Kurt" nodded fervently.

"Ok, on de count of three, we run, **very quietly**, across the freeway," said Remy. "Ok?"

At the sound of "Ok", "Kurt" ran screaming to the other side of the street.

"...How was dat three?" Remy wondered, before shrugging and following "Kurt". (5)

By the time he got into the gas station, Di and "Kurt" were already well established, Di looking for the infamous Pixie Stix and "Kurt" staring at the video rack.

"Hey, dey have porn!" Remy cried, peering closer.

"Porn," said "Kurt", beginning to sing, "it's not like coooorn... it's how a lot of people get booooorn... 'cause it's porn!" (6)

Di shot him an odd look. Remy would've done the same but was far too immersed in the porn.

"What the heck do Pixie Stix look like, anyway?" she asked of no one.

"Pixie Stix?" said the manager. "You're looking for... Pixie Stix?"

"Yeah... why, did I just say the secret word?"

"Pixie Stix, did you say?" repeated the manager, blinking incomprehensively.

"Yeah, dat's why we ran across a freeway risking life and limb, fo' Pixie Stix," Gambit agreed. "And porn. Lots of porn." He dumped what appeared to be the entire porn library on the counter. "I'd like dese, _si vous plait_."

"...Would you like a bag?" was the cashier's response. (The manager was still in shock.)

"Thank you."

"That'll be-"

"THEY TOOK THE PIXIE STIX! ALL OF THEM!" The manager (who was the one shouting) suddenly reached over and grabbed the cashier, shaking him and screaming, "EVERY! SINGLE! PIXIE STIX! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO WITHOUT THE SUGARY GOODNESS? TELL ME YOU SILLY MONKEY PERSON!"

The cashier let out a little sigh that indicated he'd been through this before. "Sir... sir... I'll get the blow gun, I just need to warn you."

"THE PIXIE STIX ARE GONE! WHY DON'T YOU REALIZE THAT!"

The cashier sighed again, and pulled a dart gun from his pocket. He loaded it with a lethal looking dart and promptly shot his boss in the neck.

"Grilled... cheese..." mumbled the manager, falling down in an undignified heap.

Di was staring, her eyes bugging about an inch out of her head. "Kurt" probably would've too... but he was singing the "Doom Song" again. Remy was too immersed in his porn, humming happily to himself.

"Y'see," said the cashier, leaning over the counter and doing the Jersey "finger thing" (6), "we got robbed coupla days ago. Took all our Pixie Stix, nuttin else. Dunno why, 'cept maybe to torture the manager."

"Oh..." said Di sadly. "So no Pixie Stix?"

"Nuttin even resemblin' Pixie Stix," agreed the cashier, with a sad headshake.

"So now what?" she asked Remy.

Remy looked up from his porn. "We find dese horrible Pixie Stix theives!"

"And then you return 'em?" asked the cashier hopefully.

Remy stared at him incredulously for a second. "No... we're going to eat them, you idiot."

The cashier let out another of his gusty sighs. "I figured you'd say that." He flicked his fingers at them. "Begone."

And with that, Remy, "Kurt", and Di exited.

"Can we go home now?" Di asked.

"No, we need Pixie Stix, woman! We're goin' t' get de damn Pixie Stix if it kills y'!"

Di chuckled nervously. "Don't you mean... us?"

"No..."

Now Di looked even more nervous, but she wisely shut up.

MEANWHILE, ABOUT FIVE FEET AWAY, THE TUNNEL BENEATH THE FREEWAY...

Warren chuckled madly to himself. "They'll never find us now!"

'Us' was a sack of Pixie Stix, a Play-Doh alligator, and Forge.

"Who are you again?" Forge asked.

"I'm Warren, remember?" Warren responded, just about to dig into those sugary goodness bags known as Pixie Stix.

Forge tilted back his head in a very obvious flashback cue.

FLASHBACK TO HOWEVER LONG AGO IT WAS THAT WE LEFT FORGE...

"HI FORGE!" Warren had screamed, rapping on his window while flapping furiously.

Forge had screamed, dropping the machine that, if he hadn't dropped it, would've made a never-ending supply of curly fries. (7)

Warren had let himself in and was looking around the room, seeming fascinated. "Wow this is a whole lot of neat stuff say you want to come with me I'm gonna get some Pixie Stix I really need some more 'cause we ran out and I want some 'cause they're Pixie Stix! You know?" he asked, slamming his hands down on Forge's inventor's table.

"Um... sure..." Forge agreed. He didn't, really, but he was a little nervous to argue with the crazy birdman in front of him. "Uh... what's your name, anyway?"

"Me? I'm Warren, that's Worthington the III and this is a pretty neat little shop you know?"

"Um... how do you know me, anyway?"

"I looked at the mansion cause I wanted to see if **they** had Pixie Stix but they didn't, such a shame- anyway, I looked in their address book, 'cause nobody was there and I mean nobody not even that freaky guy who lives in their basement-"

"Wait, somebody lives in their basement?"

"Well, if there isn't anybody who lives in their basement, there should be, because I've got somebody living in my basement and basement guys are just the shit, you know? Anyway, so, I looked in their address book, right, and there you were and Forge is just such an awesome name that I knew I had to come and talk to you 'cause you sound like the kind of guy who likes Pixie Stix. So, whatcha say we go find some?"

"Um... ok..." said Forge, continuing the string of sentences that he'd started with "um".

END FLASHBACK...

Forge kept his head tilted back.

**END** FLASHBACK...

"Oh, right," said Forge, sheepish, righting himself.

"We've got Pixie Stix!" Warren screeched joyfully.

"Yep, that's what we've got," Forge agreed.

"Isn't that right, Cookie?" (8) Warren asked of the Play-Doh alligator.

_It's been a half-hour since I gave him that dumb alligator,_ Forge thought, _and he _still_ hasn't noticed it's not real. That's either really cool or kind of creepy._

Warren downed several Pixie Stix and fixed Forge with a downright scary, sugar-crazed look. "WHEE!"

_Creepy. Definitely creepy._

BACK WITH THE OTHER GUYS...

"You know, I get the feeling we just missed something important," said Di, out of the blue. They'd been complacently sitting on the curb waiting for the fic to come back to their POV.

"Eh, we get dose feelin's all de time," responded Remy, huggling his porn. "Y' learn t' ignore 'em."

"I say we try that tunnel!" cried "Kurt."

"You're really fixated on that tunnel, aren't you?" Di asked.

"It's a tunnel in the middle of the road! How cool is that!"

"It's a tunnel."

"IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD, WOMAN!"

"I don't get it."

"Y' ain't supposed t' get it," Remy responded, now petting his porn, "y' jus' go wit' de flow when it comes t' Kurt, _mon amie._"

"That's with quotation marks," said "Kurt." "Yeah, like that."

Remy and Di both gave him odd looks.

"I'm gonna go in the tunnel," "Kurt" proclaimed. "Who wants to go with me?"

Remy and Di shrugged at each other and raised their hands.

"GOOD!" cried "Kurt." He then dashed right through the speeding traffic, Remy and Di pussyfooting (8) along in his wake.

"Kurt" punched his fist in the air before jumping into the tunnel.

The trio was met with an even weirder trio. Yep, Warren, Forge, and "Cookie", playing cards. "Hey!" cried Warren. "Her name doesn't have quotation marks! Tryin to downplay my totally awesome alligator!"

Ok, Cookie. That better?

"Thank you."

"...Who are you talking to?" Forge asked.

"Dunno."

Forge shrugged. "Got any threes?"

"What are you guys **doin**?" Remy demanded of them, after a minute.

"What's it look like?" Forge asked. "We're snarfing Pixie Stix and playing cards... and I'm totally winning."

"Only because you cheat you cheatin cheaty cheater you!"

"No, you just totally suck at Go Fish," was Forge's response.

"PIXIE STIX!" cried Remy and "Kurt" triumphantly. They instantly pounced on the bags, Di hanging back and looking a little apprehensive.

"What... are those things?"

"Pixie Stix, woman, Pixie Stix!" cried "Kurt", holding them up and tossing one to Di. "Rip off the top and relish the utter sugaryness."

Di eyed it dubiously until she noticed that everyone else (except for Cookie) were eating them. She shrugged. "When in Rome..." She tilted back her head and drained the tube. "Heeeey these were worth the trip!" she cried.

"SEE!" cried "Kurt."

"I don't know you," said Forge, edging away.

"Are we supposed to know each other?"

Forge decided to ignore him and grabbed some more Pixie Stix.

(And thus ends Remy and Di's Amazing Drunken Adventure! Admittedly, weeks and weeks after it was promised, but eh, can't have everything. So sue me. I'm slow, but I think this was worth the wait... I think.)

(1) This was my basic reaction when Di told me they didn't have Pixie Stix in Britain. Yeah. Scary.

(2) From Invader Zim, naturally.

(3) This is from a Robin Williams joke: "In England, the cops don't have a gun,and you don't have a gun. So, when you run away, they say 'Stop, or I'll yell stop again!'"

(4) From the Emperor's New Groove. Hee, I love that movie.

(5) One of my friends did this. We were sitting on the median of a street. There weren't any cars coming or going, but we thought it would be funny to do this anyway. But she just ran off screaming. Yeah, weird.

(6) You know, the gesture they always make in mob movies, where they put their thumb and index finger together and then shake them back and forth as they talk?

(7) According to me, all of Forge's inventions (that aren't purple and octagonal) make a never-ending supply of curly fries. Because who wouldn't want something like that?

(8) Hee, I couldn't resist this. Cookie is Warren's alligator from Toddfan's fic, "Teacher Training." Hilarious, and I just went and read it this afternoon, so I had to reference it... somehow.


	16. Lots and Lots of POV Hopping!

Disclaimer: "I'm not an object... I just have my own barcode."

(An: And here it is and hopefully this will not sit untouched on my laptop for weeks... eh heh heh. Anyway... Di: Hee hee... Funny. I'll use that... eventually. Oh, damn, I forgot to use the object/barcode line. TF: Funny, your fics make me do the same thing, so we're square. I agree, Dennys is pretty good. Yay! Slugs and Snails! I love that fic! John-ness! Cat: He has sedatives... because he's from Jersey. And they're psycho like that. Yeah, Forge and Warren (and Cookie) are Pixie Stix bandits! I like curly fries. So does Forge. And Pixie Stix are copyrighted. Ooh, notspiked Pepsi! Fun! Squirrels! Where! SF: Everyone appears to be taking my abbreviations to heart, heheh. Uh-uh. I draw the line at Malaysia. Then I'll never get this -censored- fic done! And I'll never get to the movieverse!X-band. Plot? What plot! Where? -hides-)

ON THE X-QUEST...

Walking, walking, and more walking. That's what the X-questers (and Our Heroes and Thorn and all those other annoying people) were doing. They were somewhere with a desert. And that's all they knew. Oh, yeah, and it was hot. Really hot.

"I wanna go hoooome," Jamie wailed.

"I want you to shut uuuuuup," was Tabby's response. The alcohol was wearing off and taking its place was one helluva hangover.

"Are we lost?" Jubilee asked Logan.

"No."

"Well, then, where are we?"

"I don't know."

"So... we're lost."

"No, I just don't know where we are."

"You've been talking to Sam, haven't you?" Amara demanded.

If Logan had a wall, he would've been banging his head against it right now.

AT THE X-HOTEL...

All of the X-men and the people hanging with them suddenly got a very rude interruption to the unimportant things they were doing. An image of the professor (still in his pimp hat and covered in lipstick and you don't wanna know what else) appeared in their heads along with a _GET TO THE GODDAMN BUS YOU FREAKS!_

There was a pause, in which all of the X-men (that were still there) tried to process this.

"...What's up with you?" JP asked Bobby, bending down to where Bobby was twitching on the floor. He poked him.

"THE FUNKY CHICKEN!" Bobby shrieked.

JP looked over at Aurora who shrugged. "Poke him again," she suggested.

JP shrugged and obliged.

"PEANUT BUTTER!"

"Maybe we should just drag him," Aurora said, eyeing Bobby as anyone would eye a crazy person.

"That'll work... but drag him where?"

"To the bus," said Rob. "We have to get to the bus... before the cockroaches come back." He twitched.

"What about the hot guy?" JP asked, pointing at Soy.

Rob frowned, crossed his arms, and then got an idea. He gave Soy a good hard kick.

Soy jumped up and grabbed his waist with a cry of "_Mi bazo!_" (My spleen!)

"Suck it up, dude," was Rob's response. "We gotta book."

"_¿Libros? ¿Dónde? ¡Me asustan de libros!_" (Books? Where? I'm scared of books!)

"Keep booking, idiot!" Rob cried, grabbing Soy and running.

JP and Aurora both blinked. "I'm confused..." said Aurora.

"And you weren't before?"

IN KITTY'S ROOM...

They too had gotten the message. _That was one thing Ah did NOT need ta see again..._ Rogue thought, rubbing her head.

Kitty grabbed her. "Like, come on, Rogue, let's go!" she chirped.

_Ah HATE mornin' people..._

AT THE INCREDIBLE X-BUS...

"Ok, ok, line up," said Ororo. "We need to see how many of you are here, alive, and in one piece..."

The assembled X-group wasn't much. Kitty, Rogue, Piotr, Ray (who'd been dug out of the pool and pulled from his adoring merfriends), Bobby, Rob, and the random people they'd attracted.

"In short," said Kitty, "we're doomed."

_Amen to that_, Rogue thought, punching her fist in the air.

Of course, she hit Soy, who fell over with another cry of "_Mi bazo_!"

"YOU SHUT UP!" shouted everyone else.

WITH THE INFAMOUS PIXIE STIX BANDITS (and the X-people)...

"So... what now?" Di asked.

"More Pixie Stix," suggested "Kurt."

"We're out," Remy responded, shaking the pointedly empty ten-pound bag.

"You see this is the problem with Pixie Stix the same thing happened to me back at my mansion they just run out too damn quickly, you know?" said Warren, petting Cookie.

"You know what we should probably do?" said Remy. "We should probably go find those other idiots and head for DC... we've only got a day now..."

"DC as in the comics company?" asked Di.

"DON'T SAY THAT NAME!" screeched all of the Marvel-affiliated characters (i.e. everyone else in the room).

"...Ok..." said Di, looking weirded out.

WITH KURT...

"Ok... we're lost... but just how big can one hotel be?" said Kurt (note the lack of quotation marks).

"Very?" Bob suggested.

"Really, really, really really really big?" AJ asked, doing a backflip.

Kurt gave her an odd look. "You remember what we're discussing?"

"P. Sherman 42 Wallaby Way?" (1)

Kurt smacked his forehead.

BACK IN THE TUNNEL...

Warren stuck Cookie out first, then yanked her back down. "Is it safe?" he asked of the lump of Play-Doh. Seeming satisfied with the answer, he nodded at the others. "She says yes."

"...Great," said Forge, blinking.

"Kay, on de count of three, we all run screaming across de road t' de hotel, got it?" said Remy.

"Why screaming?" Di asked.

Remy shrugged. "Why not?"

"Good a reason as any, I suppose..."

"One... two... three!"

All five of them (well, six, if you count Cookie) popped up from the hole and ran screaming across the road.

IN THE BAR...

Shelly sat up, looking seriously hungover. "Owwwww..."

This was not helped by the screaming Pixie Stix bandits who came running in the door.

"Scream louder, I like it, really," she groaned, rubbing her head.

"You can stop screaming now," Remy said to Warren.

"Oh. Right."

"My bar," said Di, walking over to her little scrap of sanity, "it's in one piece. Yay."

She began to hug and pat the bartop. Noticing this was attracting quite a few stares, she snapped, "CAN'T YOU SEE I'M HAVING A MOMENT HERE?"

Everyone got the hint and looked away.

BACK AT THE X-BUS...

"Do you suppose that we should just get moving?" Ororo asked.

"We don't have anything else to do," Hank responded. "Everybody GET ON THE BUS!"

Ororo stumbled on board, rubbing her ears.

"To DC, away!" the Professor shrieked.

_"¿Como la compañía de los tebeos?"_ (Like the comics company?) Soy had the hubris to ask.

"SPEAK NOT THE NAME!" everyone screamed (even though only Rob really understood him).

"I, like, sure hope the others know where we're going," said Kitty, biting her lip.

WITH THE X-QUESTERS...

"We don't have a clue where we're going, do we," Rahne said.

"Nope," agreed all the other assorted X-people.

"We're dooooomed... again."

(Look at me I'm amazing getting an update in only two days! WHOOSH! Why not compliment me with a review (and some suggestions 'cause I could use 'em... that don't involve Malaysia)?)

(1) As if you don't know what this is from... when we watched Finding Nemo in class it sparked an interesting debate because it's "P. Sherman" but Nigel (the pelican) calls him "Diver Dan"... odd no? Hey, wow, only one footnote!


	17. Return of the Kurt!

Disclaimer: "Help! There's a turkey trying to eat me!" "That's nice. Great turkey impression, by the way, you must try out for the talent show."

(An: This speedy updateage is to make up for the complete lack over the past few months... it's like an insanity buildup. PB: ...OMFG. That is like the longest review I've gotten... EVER. I'm going to use most of that though... BUT WHY MALAYSIA, DAMMIT! Did I miss the fanfic memo in which Malaysia suddenly became all-powerful? Yeah, I'm gonna be using a lot of that... because it definitely sounds like something I'd come up with. Not all of it because that would be cheating. TF: I love that little alligator; I'm going to have so much fun with it later. See, now I have a mental image of Squid Boy swimming along and singing that song and Lizzie just pulling her hair out and being Shrek-like in her begging for him to shut up. CF: Domed? Like a basilica? Yes! Marvel! Because DC is for the most part a crappy copycat! SF: Using that... hee. Otak the Canadian: Oooh yes you have given me an evil plot type... thing. As close as we get to plots, anyway. Twould need some of your favorite swear words first deary. Because that's what I have these inserts do. Be straightmen and swear. A lot. Ok, there's still a lot of this to go, and if you guys keep reviewing, I'll get to 100! So keep it coming midgets!)

AT THE BAR...

Everyone was awake... except "Kurt", who had passed out.

John was poking him. "Mate... maaaate... get up... GET UP YA BUGGER!"

"CLOWNS WILL EAT ME!" (1) "Kurt" shrieked, sitting bolt upright. Then he blinked, relaxed, and keeled over.

"Dammit," John muttered.

"Try smacking him," Shelly suggested.

John shrugged, picked up a bottle of vodka, and smashed it over "Kurt's" head.

"That was my best vintage!" Di shrieked.

"All the more reason to waste it, my dear," was John's response.

"Urge... to kill... rising," Di growled.

"I'M UP!" "Kurt" shrieked... this was, of course, about a minute after he got smacked with the vodka.

"Hey, that's not Kurt!" John cried, pointing at him.

"...What makes y' say dat?" Remy asked

"Maybe it's the big 'Not Kurt' sign on his back?" Shelly suggested, pointing at it.

"Funny, never noticed dat," Remy said, scratching his head.

"Kurt" threw himself at the feet of the others... well, sort of, since they weren't all in one place and he was on the bartop. "Ok! You found me out!" "Kurt" finally shifted back to Morph.

"...Wait. If dat's Morph... den where's Kurt?"

Dun dun duuuuun...

"And where de hell is dat dramatic music coming from?"

WITH KURT... THE REAL ONE, NO QUOTATION MARKS HERE...

"We're loooost..." Kurt moaned.

"We are not," AJ chirped.

"But we don't know where we are!"

"But that doesn't mean we're lost!" (2)

Kurt sighed. "Why do you hate me so?" he asked of the ceiling.

"It's not gonna answer you, you know," AJ pointed out. "I've tried talking to the ceiling. It never does."

Kurt shot her a death glare.

AJ just beamed at him.

"I want to kill you."

"Everybody says that!"

BACK WITH THE OTHERS...

"We need t' find de real Kurt," said Remy... always the rational one... my God that sounds odd.

"Why?" everyone else asked in unison.

"BECAUSE WE DO!"

"...Day two," Pyro whispered, pulling out his omnipresent notepad, "Remy snaps." Then, just in case, he ate the note.

"I agree, we should rescue the poor midget," said Warren, who'd come down far enough from his Pixie Sticks (3) high to put pauses meriting commas in his sentences.

"He's not a midget!" Forge objected.

"He's a midget if I say he's a midget."

"Let's just look for him, ok?" Remy asked. He had a hangover coming on.

ON THE X-BUS...

"Why are we here?" JP asked of his sister.

"Because we're going to the concert too... remember?"

"No.. not really..."

"You're an idiot."

"_Où l'enfer suis moi?_" (Where the hell am I?) asked a certain sexy-poolboy-esque voice. Renee poked his head up from underneath the seat.

"...You put a sexy poolboy in your backpack," JP sputtered, "AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME!"

"He's straight!"

"_Oui_!"

"...But he's in a Speedo..."

That one had Aurora and Renee stumped.

BACK AT THE X-HOTEL...

Warren was flattened against the wall of the hotel, arms out and humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible." "Cookie, cover me."

"He gets crazier every day," said Forge, in a sort of proud-father tone.

The rest of the group (who weren't bothering to be stealthy at all) just stared at them.

"You know what you need?" Di said to him suddenly. "You need a slap!" And with no other prelude, she backhanded him upside the head.

Forge made an incoherent noise- something like "smargh!"- and keeled over. He began to twitch.

"Aww... poor buddy," said Warren. Then he blinked, and resumed "stealth mode", creeping along the wall and now singing a tune of his own invention.

Then a completely random I'm-not-really-a-person-just-a-plot-device (hereafter referred to as INRPJPD) walked by.

Warren stopped short, holding out his arms (and his note) until the INRPJPD passed. He breathed a sigh of relief. "Man, that was close." (4)

WITH KURT...

After hours and hours and hours of rambling that no longer had a purpouse, Kurt saw what might've been the most beautiful thing in the world: an "exit" sign.

"THANK YOU GOD!" Kurt screamed, running through the door... rather, into it... face first.

"You have to turn the handle," AJ offered, on the floor now.

"...Right," Kurt agreed, undaunted.

He turned the handle and THEN ran through the door into freedom.

Now, if this were a normal fic, he'd run right into, like, Sabretooth or something. But this isn't... so instead he ran into his cohorts... who promptly ran away screaming... well, Warren did, anyway... as did Forge (who was awake again).

Warren was screaming about "being discovered by the alien fuzzy people who controlled the Pixie Sticks" and Forge was screaming... something about rabbits... I think. (5)

"Hoboy," said Shelly, facepalming.

"This is gonna take a while, isn't it?" Di said to nobody in particular.

(I know this one's kind of short but that's because the next one will be THE X-QUESTER'S AMAZING MALAYSIAN ADVENTURE (inspired by Pyschobunny and Sangofanatic)! So... yeah. It should be longer.)

(1) Ever seen that shirt that has the spiral on it with "Can't sleep, clowns will eat me?" Yep.

(2) As you can tell, this is another one of those jokes that is going to keep going and going and going...

(3) Thanks to Cassy for pointing out that they really DO spell it Sticks... fargingdammit...

(4) Emporer's New Groove anyone? I love that bit.

(5) ...Another Teacher Training joke... sorry TF but bunny-men plus Forge plus an hour or so of lurking around your Deviant Art account equals Skysong nicking jokes... for those of you who haven't read it (THE SHAME!) Forge has a crippling phobia of rabbits. And AJ's being followed by her bunny-men... make the connections, dammit!


	18. Malaysia, Here We Come!

Disclaimer: "Total world domination!" "The roaches continue to show single-mindedness... Cosmo continues to show EMPTY-mindedness."

(An: Ok, as promised, this is the Malaysian Insanity chapter... PB: Yep, I read that whole long thing. I've seen WNC- yay Jim Carrey when he wasn't all angsty! Yes, yes I do want to wrap things up... because I want to get to the Movieverse!X-band. -evil laughter because she is being purpousely mysterious- Anyway, I'll use that ending in this chapter... and as for the other people, that's how this story's gonna keep goin', mon amie! TF: I just made that up because I thought "Smagickle" wasn't dignified enough. You're so niiiice. CF: I know. I always thought it was Stix too, but Cassy had some right next to her and I asked and she said that they do indeed spell it "Sticks". They should SO spell it my way, but I digress. John loves squirrels... would you like some John/squirrel insanity to sate you? Otak: ...Well, now, that was informative (hopefully FFN won't get on my ass for letting people swear in their reviews but I don't mind). I don't sleep much, either... well, I have been more than usual, lately, but that's just weird. Anyway, I swear a lot too... I sense a science project in the making! Fluffy? Now THAT I like. I'll make you the concert-head-person-type-guy... you and Logan can go drinking together! -begins to hum "O Canada"-)

AND NOW... WITHOUT FURTHER ADO... THE X-QUESTER'S AMAZING MALAYSIAN ADVENTURE (inspired by Sangofanatic and A Cute but Psycho Bunny)!

So we all know that the X-questers were lost. Yep. Lost lost lost lost lost.

"We don't have a CLUE where we are, do we?" Rahne asked, flopping down on the ground.

"Nope," agreed everybody but Sam, who was, of course, insane.

"Looklooklook!" Sam said, hopping up and down and pointing and generally making an insane idiot of himself. "THERE'S A SHINY THING ON THE HORIZON!"

Everyone blinked at him, because they knew he was insane.

"...He's right," Logan said, squinting off in the direction Sam was pointing. "Somethin' shiny... and red?"

Sam didn't hear that last, him not having good senses (with or without the s) and because he was already halfway to the SHINY.

ABOUT TEN MINUTES LATER, AT THE SHINY...

Upon seeing just what the SHINY was, Jamie let out a little squeak of utter terror.

"We came all this way... for a bloodstained airport?" Zee demanded of M.A., who shrugged.

"It was requested. Go figure."

Everybody but Logan (1) gave her an odd look.

"LET'S GET A PLANE!" Sam cried.

Everyone decided this was an ok idea... even though they **knew** Sam was insane.

So Sam ran into the hangar, in which there were lots of planes... lots of BLOODSTAINED planes.

"For some reason, I'm getting the feeling this isn't the best idea," Zee commented.

"Shh," M.A. cautioned. "Even though we KNOW Sam is insane, we're not supposed to do anything about it."

Zee blinked and then shrugged. "Ok, whatever you say."

Sam let out a wild cackle and jumped into the nearest plane. He completely ignored the blood and flashed everybody a crazy smile. He grinned even more as Bob hopped in next to him as his copilot. "LET'S GO SEE THE MONKEY DUDES!"

"What's he talking about?" Zee asked, blinking.

So Amara and Rahne recounted the whole crazy story of the X-quest... scratch that, it isn't crazy, it's just business as usual.

"...So, you're hijacking a plane to fly to see the king of the spider monkey cult and give him the rights to the Chihuahua Song and beg for your freedom... and you're trying to assure me that you're completely sane?" Zee asked, blinking.

Amara, Rahne, and Sam (even though he was piloting) all glanced at each other and said, "Um... yeah."

"We're all gonna die, aren't we?" Zee moaned.

"Eh, no, not probably," M.A. responded, gingerly patting her back. "We'll probably just be severely mentally scarred. Watch." She turned to Noelle. "TOGA!"

Noelle screamed bloody murder. "WHERE!"

"See?"

"So what do we do now?" Zee asked.

"Sit and wait and hope somebody knocks out Sam."

"We're gonna die."

M.A. facepalmed and Noelle went on screaming until Jubilee threw a brick- **sedative** at her. (2)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

Zee was well-founded in not liking the idea of having two insane people flying their plane, since, in the amazing nonexistent X-band geography, Malaysia was only twenty minutes from... wherever the hell they were. Of course, they didn't know they were in Malaysia when they crash-landed. They were too busy screaming.

"Are we dead?" Amara asked after a moment of pointless screaming.

"Uh... no?" said Rahne, holding up her hands, which weren't dead. "Are you dead, Jubes?"

"If this headache gets any worse, I might be," she muttered.

"Suck it up," Tabby muttered, nursing a headache of her own.

That was when LOGAN started screaming. "OH, WHY DIDN'T I DIE? LIFE'S JUST NOT WORTH LIVING!" He broke down into hopeless sobs.

"Why, because nobody understands you?" Zee asked, in a random pyschiatry moment.

Logan looked up at her very slowly. "No, because I STILL HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THIS! AND RODNA DOESN'T LOVE ME!" He started crying harder.

Everyone quickly made for the emergency exit in the plane.

"Well, everyone's ok," said Rahne.

"But the SHINY is ruined," said Sam sadly.

Indeed, the jet was sinking deeper and deeper into the swamp.

"We're all doomed," Zee said again.

"Now I'm beginning to agree with you," said Katie.

"Where are we, anyway?"

"We're in a deep, dense, large jungle. That's the extent of my knowledge," said Amara, looking around. (3)

"We're in Malaysia," said Rahne.

"How do YOU know?" Amara demanded of her.

"I dunno, maybe it's the BIG HUGE SIGN saying WELCOME TO MALAYSIA?"

"Oh, right."

That was, of course, when the monkey came out of the jungle. A monkey with eight legs. A monkey with eight eyes. IT WAS A SPIDERMONKEY! LITERALLY! (4)

Katie immediately attempted to run away screaming. M.A. and Noelle both stuck out their legs and tripped her. Katie fell face-first in the dirt, sobbing about spiders and tapdancing. (5)

M.A. glanced over at Jubes. "Can I borrow your sedative?"

"NO! IT'S MY SEDATIVE!" Jubes pulled the brick- **sedative** from her pocket and started petting it.

M.A. and Noelle edged away. Katie just hugged her knees and rocked back and forth as the spidermonkey came closer.

WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "Hi! You guys know the password?"

WHAT OUR HEROES AND THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hi! Hisssshookookpassword?"

They stared at him. After a moment, the spidermonkey gathered that they didn't know the password... and basically hadn't understood a word he'd said at all.

WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "Well, I'm gonna havta roast you dudes on a spit now, but first I have to suck out your intestines with these bendy straws!" (6)

WHAT OUR HEROES AND THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hiiiisssoookookbendyook!"

"Not this again," Amara muttered, facepalming.

The spidermonkey ignored her and pulled bendy straws seemingly out of nowhere.

"That can't be good," said Rahne, just before more spidermonkeys arrived and knocked them all out with bricks- **sedatives**.

SOMETIME LATER...

Sam sat up, rubbing his head. "Ah feel like Ah got hit in the head with a brick..."

That was when he noticed he and the other X-people were hanging in a box over a fire like a big tub of popcorn. X-men flavored popcorn. Which probably wouldn't sell very well, since, you know, that would be like cannibalism, and believe it or not, cannibalism is frowned upon in most cultures. (7)

There were a bunch of spidermonkeys doing some spidermonkey dance in front of an altar... on which was hanging a HUGE WHITE BAT!

"That can't be good," Rahne repeated, then blinked. "Whoa! Deja vu!"

"What's deja vu?" Jamie asked, blinking.

"Deja vu: the feeling or experience of doing something again... DAMMIT!" said M.A. (8)

The white bat opened its freaky bat eyes. It screeched something in bat language and the spidermonkeys stopped dancing. A bunch of cockroaches stepped out from behind the altar.

"Oh, shit," said Jamie and Logan in unison.

"What's going on?" Zee asked.

"It's not gonna be good," said Logan.

"Or funny," said Katie. M.A. kicked her.

"**_Mortals!_**" came an oh-so-familiar and annoying voice.

"We're doomed," said Zee.

"For once, I think you might be right," M.A. agreed.

Yep, it was Apocaroach, leading his gang of cockroaches... thankfully, **Sue Anna** (tm) and Rodna were nowhere to be found. "**_Mortals!_**" he repeated. "**_You have ONE chance to save your asses! Say the magic words or feel the pain of the spit!_**"

"What magic words?" Logan asked, blinking.

"**_The Almighty Shikaka's magic words, idiot!_**"

"...What magic words?"

"Oh, for the love of-" Jamie muttered. "Hasn't anyone but me seen When Nature Calls! BUMBLEBEE TUNA!"

The great white bat flapped its wings and screeched some more.

"**_The Almighty Shikaka is mollified._**" Apocaroach looked disappointed at that.

The spidermonkey who'd brought them there brought out maracas and shook them.

WHAT THE SPIDERMONKEY SAID: "FIESTA!"

WHAT EVERYONE ELSE HEARD: "HISSSSHSSSHSS!"

"He said fiesta," Mesmeroach translated.

Apocaroach backhanded. "**_How many times must I tell you, lackey? It's MY job to berate the puny mortals._**"

"But we're like, three feet taller than you," Zee pointed out, ignoring the throat-cutting gestures everyone else was making.

"**_I SAY YOU ARE SHORT SO YOU ARE SHORT, PUNY MORTAL!_**"

"Whatever, dude."

"**_SILENCE!_**"

"Stuck on the caps lock, are ya?" Logan demanded of M.A., who gave him an innocent smile... well, pretty close, anyway.

A bunch of hamsters appeared, bearing, what else, cups. "SAKE!" they screamed. "GANPAI!" (9)

TWENTY MINUTES LATER...

"I really AM stuck on the caps lock," M.A. muttered.

"What now?" Katie asked.

"No foam, no foam, no foam!" Noelle cried.

"Was it really a good idea to get her drunk?" Zee asked.

M.A. and Katie glanced at each other and shrugged. "Eh, probably not," they agreed.

Sam was sitting by the Almighty Shikaka. Apparently, TAS (10) didn't know Sam was INSANE, since he was listening to him.

"So, we're here, when really we should be in Bayville delivering this to save all our asses!" Sam sobbed, holding out the very dirty piece of paper.

The Almight Shikaka screeched something, and his hamster attendant translated, "Do you speak of the Bayvillian Spider-Monkey Cult, oh they of the rave pit and the Almighty Eye Poker?"

"Yah've heard of 'em, then?"

Screech, screech, screech. "Of course I have! We're great friends. We play poker all the time!"

"Re-he-he-heally." (11)

Screeeechy screech screech. "BRING OUT THE ALMIGHTY GUANO EYE POKER!" the hamster screamed.

"Rodna!" Logan cried, looking around.

"If he asks, you never saw me," said Rodna, scurrying off.

A bunch of Random Hamster Attendents came out, bearing what looked remarkably like what had nearly poked out the eyes of the X-questers. Except more disgusting.

"What's guano?" Jamie asked.

"Trust me kid, you don't wanna know," said Jubes.

Screech screech screech. A new hamster, pointedly NOT Rodna, stepped up and announced, "The Almighty Shikaka proclaims that he wishes you to return to the Monkey Royales bearing this gift!"

The entire group looked at each other and yelled in unison, "Dude, our plane crashed!"

SCREEEEECH screechy screech. "The Almighty Shikaka says to go look in the swamp.

"Just a minute," said Amara. "Where'd you get the Eye Poker?"

"We won it off Forge, Almighty Maker of Stuff, in a poker game, of course," said the hamster.

"Shoulda guessed," Amara muttered, and rushed to catch up with the rest of the group.

IN THE SWAMP...

"Well, he did a good job, din't he?" Sam commented.

Everyone ignored him, because he was insane, even though he was right for once. The plane was sitting out of the swamp, nice and clean and shiny.

Sam and Bob immediately dashed for the cockpit.

"We're all gonna die," Zee muttered.

"Doomed, yes. Die, no," M.A. responded.

To make a long, and rather stupid story short, they got to the temple of the Spider Monkey Cult with little problems... except for the fact that Tabby and Jubes found a Bottomless Bottle of Beer in the luggage compartment. So they stayed nice and drunk. Yeah.

"Uh, why don't the rest of you stay here?" Amara suggested. She and Rahne weren't as drunk. "C'mon, Sam," she added, as Rahne dragged along the crazy guy.

"I'm not crazy!"

"Yeah, right."

"I'm insane! There's a difference."

"Whatever."

They stared up at the huge door to the temple. "Now, how are we supposed to get inside?" Rahne asked.

"Ring the doorbell?" Amara suggested.

"Oh. Good idea." Rahne reached up and rang the huge doorbell.

In the way of bad fanfics, DJ Spider answered the door.

WHAT DJ SPIDER SAID: "So you guys are back, yo? AWESOME!"

WHAT THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "Hisisisishhhhhyo!"

DJ Spider grabbed them and brought them before the Monkey Royales.

"Well?" said King Monkey.

Amara kicked Sam and he held up the rights to the Chihuahua Song and the Almighty Guano Eye Poker.

"You bring us the rights to the Chihuahua song AND an Almighty Guano Eye Poker?"

The X-questers blinked and nodded.

"Very good, very good. DJ SPIDER!"

WHAT THE DJ SPIDER SAID: "Yes, your almighty monkey-ness?"

WHAT THE X-QUESTERS HEARD: "I'm right here, yo!"

"Begin the DJ-ing!"

DJ Spider saluted and scurried off to do his DJ thing.

"Now begone, oh honorary rave masters!"

Amara, Rahne, and Sam got while the gotting was good.

BACK AT THE PLANE...

Sam again got in the pilot seat and everybody again assumed the "put-your-head-between-your-knees-and-kiss-your-butt-goodbye" crash position.

ON THE X-BUS...

"Do you hear something?" JP asked Aurora.

"Maybe..."

"Did you have MORE of those spiked brownies?"

"Maybe..."

"Give me a straight answer, dammit!"

"Maybe..."

JP muttered something and mimed strangling her.

It was Renee who spotted the whirling SHINY of death. _"Oh mon Dieu! Nous allons obtenir le coup par un tourbillonnement brillant de la mort!"_ (Oh my God! We're gonna get hit by a whirling SHINY of death!)

"What'd he say?" Ororo asked from the front of the bus.

"I dunno, I wasn't listening," said JP. "Were you?" he asked Aurora.

"Maybe..."

"Damn you woman!"

"Maybe..."

"AUGH!"

"Funny, he always struck me as a 'gah' guy," Bobby commented.

"Are you SURE you're not gay?" Ororo asked him.

"You're the sane one here!" Bobby screeched.

"If she is, then we're all doomed," Hank commented (yep, he was driving).

Renee piped up again. "BONJOUR! Nous sommes sur le point d'obtenir le coup par un géant tourbillonnant le plan BRILLANT de la MORT ici!" (HELLO! We're about to get hit by a giant whirling SHINY of death here!)

"I heard it that time. Something about a whirling SHINY of death," JP commented.

"Oh, he must mean the plane that's about to hit us," Hank commented.

"WHAT PLANE!" everyone else demanded.

"The one that's freefalling pretty slowly but still is probably gonna hit us," Hank explained.

After this little tidbit of info, everyone streamed screaming out of the bus (being sure to grab their luggage and instruments, of course). Then the plane hit, pretty much demolishing the bus. The plane, of course, was untouched.

"Well, I guess we're going by plane, then," Ororo commented.

The professor just spun his wheelchair around in a circle, crying "WHEE!"

(I have the undeNIable feeling that this chapter sucked, but, oh well. It's an update. The next chapters will be better, I swear! ..as for faster, we'll see. DAMN I put a lot of footnotes in this one. If the formatting is still weird, blame Babelfish for making Wordpad weird when I copy andpaste.)

(1) I've decided that Logan is the only one who's gonna remember the spell of the authors... well him, Bobby, and Rogue, anyway. O.o I could've been talking about the movie right there... creepeh.

(2) I SWEAR, Jubes is the only one who gets that joke. I'm not gonna let it leak anywhere else, I SWEAR!

(3) Kind of skewed quote from The Road To El Dorado, which I have been watching like CRAZY lately.

(4) Think Spy Kids 2... ah, the franchise before it got REALLY crappy.

(5) Double ref! My best friend Katie is an arachnaphobe. She freaks at the itty-bitty spiders that live at our school... I think they're cute. The other side of the ref is to HP 3, in which Ron sits up in the middle of the night and cries something like "The spiders! They want me to tapdance!"

(6) Skewed Fairly Oddparents ref. The actual line was "Now I shall suck out your brains... with these bendy straws!"

(7) Paraphrased from "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory," which is a very good movie and easy to cast for a parody.

(8) Not many people will get this quote, I'm betting. It's from "Space Toast!" which nobody's read. Well, technically, it was Remy who said it, but he's not around. Poor guy. No sake for him!

(9) Ok, so sake is Japanese and this is a phonetic spelling, but it's from "Around the World in Eighty Days." The main dude's crazy grandma keeps saying this. By the by, that's a very funny movie.

(10) That's The Almighty Shikaka, not The Animated Series. TAS sucks. The Almighty Shikaka does not.

(11) As if you don't know where this is from! ...ok, it's from Ace Ventura.


	19. Fear Mr Pink!

Disclaimer: "You can suck out our minds, livers, and spleens, but we will never surrender!"

(An: This chapter shall be in a timely fashion, and it shall make no sense! This, I swear. By the by, I fixed the weird formatting in the last chapter. It's all pretty now. PB: ...It was? I thought it sucked ass... weird. Good for you. I want to parody that. I've already got most of the cast worked out- and yeah, Remy makes the perfect WW... he's even got daddy issues! The Oompa Loompas rocked. Way less creepy than in the original. I think she's the midget from Willow's daughter... she's got the same accent and face shape. Uh, yeah, that would be a plothole caused by me not watching WNC in AGES... sad, ain't it. The formatting is called "EE messed up and Skysong didn't notice." I fixed it, so there. TF: Again with the chapter woot! I don't get it! -brain hurts- I was GONNA have TRtED be Storge, but then I casted Remy as Miguel and I decided that Kuroro made more sense... no matter how much it made me go WTF? Crazy Storge puppy! -happily sits and waits- :P This proves that I am not alone in the opinion that HP3 sucked. I was disappointed because it was my second-favorite book. You didn't finish the sixth? God, I couldn't put it down! I went out and got it at midnight and everything... Bugger off, ok? The lady at the bookstore gave me ice cream! Otak: Well, glad I've made you happy, mon ami. Not an orchestra, the concert! ...but that's pretty close, lol. No, that wasn't over the top... I'm pretty sure I've done something like it before, lol. ...I don't drink... fourteen-year-old here... O.o Is there a legal age in Canada, or is it like most of Europe? Because that would be seriously cool. The Stix/Sticks snafu was pointed out to me by Cassy... bleh.)

WITH THE X-FREAKS...

Bobby and Jubilee were talking. Ok, more like arguing. Ok, more like yelling on Jubes's part and desperate pleading on Bobby's.

"So, wait," said Jubes, obviously annoyed. "You spent the whole night in a sewer with a gay dude after complaining about spandex... and you want me to believe you're still straight?"

"Yeah... please?"

"I can't believe you!" Jubilee cried. She then went to sit with Tabby and sob out her troubles over Logan's Bottlemess Bottle of Beer (BBB for short).

Behind him, JP cleared his throat, and returned the scowl Bobby gave him with a cheery smile. "I hate you so much right now, it hurts," Bobby muttered.

JP and Aurora beamed eerily identical smiles at him.

"Cut that out," said Sam. "Ya two look like some creepy Christmas elves!"

Even though they'd never met Sam, the twins knew he was insane and thus ignored him.

WITH THE INFAMOUS PIXIE STICKS BANDITS... AND THOSE OTHER FREAKS...

"So what now?" Kurt asked, watching Forge run around screaming.

"We should find some way t' catch up with de others," Remy said. He was watching Warren attempt to sneak away... he wasn't very good at it since Cookie was on his head and he was humming... loudly.

"Like how?"

"We could hotwire a car..."

"Some way that's **legal**?"

"A train?" Di suggested.

"That works," said Kurt and Remy in unison.

"But aren't we broke?" Pyro pointed out.

"She has money, don't y'," said Remy, pointing at Di.

"Well... no... but I know someone who has," said Di, looking contemplative.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Di led them to a small apartment, and she didn't knock on the door. Rather, she kicked it open. "Hey! Daph! Get up!"

A silver-haired chick popped her head out from under a copious amount of blankets. "_Quoi_?" she mumbled. "It be too early. Go 'way."

"It's ten at night."

"Your point...?"

Kurt tripped Remy as he not-so-subtly tried to get away.

"We require cash, my friend. Up."

"Oh, all right," Daphine LeBeau muttered, standing up. (1) "What's up wit' de groupies?"

"They messed up my bar. Now I need cash. CASH woman. Do you speaky my english?" Di rubbed her fingers together.

"Why should I give it to you?"

Di kicked her.

"Fine, fine," Daph muttered. She pulled a locked box out from under her pillow, and gave the box a good hard smack. The lock fell off.

"Smooth," Di commented, taking the box.

"You're taking my cash. You're not allowed to comment."

"It was **mine** first, twazzack." (2)

"So you say."

Di snorted and walked out.

"Well, that was BEYOND weird," Pyro commented.

"Yes, and?" Di responded.

"Well, it was my g-"

Kurt slapped a hand over his mouth and grinned nervously. "Ixnay the ackstorybay." (3)

"What the hell did you just say?"

"Why don't we get going?" Kurt suggested, the oh-shit smile on his face even wider.

Di shrugged, one eyebrow up. "Uh, sure."

WITH THE X-FREAKS... AGAIN...

JP was still trying to console Bobby (with rather disturbing results) and now Ororo was trying to console Logan. How had that started, you ask?

ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO...

"So, Logan, what happened to you?" Ororo asked, innocently enough.

Logan looked at her.

Ororo blinked.

Logan burst into tears.

Ororo blinked again.

"RODNA HATES ME!"

Ororo blinked some more. _Oh sweet Goddess, what have I started?_

PRESENT TIME...

So now Logan was sobbing hysterically and Ororo was looking uncomfortable and the professor was spinning in circles again.

Rogue (who was unlucky enough to be sitting behind him) let out a little moan (well, in her mind, anyway). _I wonder what those other idiots are doing right now..._

WITH THE INFAMOUS PIXIE STICKS BANDITS... AND THOSE OTHER FREAKS...

"Well, now we have to find a train station," Kurt said.

"He's like State-the-Obvious-Man," Di commented. (4)

"Hey, look, there's one!" Morph cried, pointing at a bright pink building that had a sign that said "Cradle of Wherever the Hell We Are." (5)

"Why is it called a cradle?" Pyro asked, but everyone ignored him and went inside anyway. (6)

In the cradle was a gigantic pink monorail. It was really pink, like hot pink, like **blinding** pink.

Then, of course, the entire place lit up and the mono spoke. "WELL, HOW-DEE THERE, LITTLE TRAILHANDS," said the mono, in a pretty good impression of John Wayne. "I'M BLAINE THE MONORAIL." (7)

"They messed up the colors," Pyro commented. "Shouldn't he be blue?" (8)

"Uh..." said Remy. "Can we get a ride... uh, Blaine?"

"BUT OF COURSE! BUT FIRST YA GOTTA PRIME MY PUMP, BUT IT PRIMES BACKWARDS."

The entire group blinked as a little panel opened up, revealing buttons with the numbers from one to ninety-nine. (9)

"..." said the group.

"Just press all the buttons," Morph suggested.

The others shrugged. Remy reached forward and slammed all the buttons.

Blaine's door opened. "COME ON IN, LITTLE TRAILHANDS... JUST STOP MESSING WITH THE MACHINERY."

Remy took his hand off the buttons.

"THAT'S BETTER."

They boarded the train, which was surprisingly lush.

"WHERE Y'ALL HEADED?"

"Washington D.C.?" Remy suggested.

"SUPER."

The door slid shut behind them. "MAN this is weird," Pyro commented.

"GOT THAT RIGHT, TRAILHAND... AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO'S ALLOWED TO TALK IN CAPS LOCK!"

"You wouldn't by any chance happen to know Apocalypse, would you?" Kurt commented.

"..."

"Didn't think so."

WITH THE X-FREAKS...

"OHMIGOD!" Kitty cried, in her usual, hyper way. "We're here! D.C. AT LAST!" Just about everyone in the plane started dancing. The ones who didn't were Logan, who was still sobbing, Ororo, who was still awkwardly trying to console him, Rogue, who **didn't** dance, and Soy, who was still sobbing about his _bazo_. (That would be spleen in Spanish for people like AJ.) The professor **was** dancing, yes... well, sort of. He was spinning around in his wheelchair going "WHEE!" again.

_Oh, boy, we're all gonna die,_ Rogue thought-mumbled.

"No, we're not!" M.A. protested. "...We're just gonna be mentally scarred... or maimed. Either one works."

_The hell are you doing here?_

"Good question!"

(That's probably a shorter read than usual, but oh well. Trust me, Blaine the Mono only gets a two-chapter cameo, so if he annoys you, he'll be gone soon... there are only four or five chapters left total, would you believe it?)

(1) Anybody remember Daph? She was in the last XB. She's Di's OC, who she asked me to borrow... thank God that's over... her story is "All That Glitters," by the by, if you were interested... I gotta stop saying that!

(2) I love the word twazzack. For no reason at all.

(3) Kurt's paranoid, remember? And I -refuse- to make full references to any of the other X-bands. REFUSE, do you hear me!

(4) That would be an X-over quote... it's me and Di's new project... we need to work on that. The next line would be "State the Obvious Bald Man," since it was originally about Xavier... yeah, we're weird.

(5) Ordinarily it'd be "The Cradle of Lud" but we're not in Lud, are we? Nobody knows where these freaks are.

(6) FYI, I've decided that Pyro is gonna be the not-clueless character for the lost people.

(7) Blaine the Mono is kind of the villain from my favorite Dark Tower book. "The Waste Lands." (that also happens to be the book from which I acquired the title for "Hyperborean Wanderer.) He's a crazy train who threatens to crash himself if the questers can't beat him in a riddle game. He's from Lud (see footnote five), which once was a technological metropolis, but now has gone downhill... a lot.

(8) This is a paraphrased Dark Tower quote. Eddie comments on the coloring. Blaine also happens to have a counterpart, Patricia, who was blue. She commited suicide... pretty weird, no?

(9) Now, see, in the book, the way to get on Blaine is to press all the prime numbers, backwards... why? Because Blain is a sadist like that. But our heroes aren't near that smart, now are they.


	20. More Random Cameos

Disclaimer: "Once again, this whole thing has been brought to you by SAND! It's everywhere... get used to it."

(An: Mooore X-band... fear me! TF: I think it took me about the same... I was reading the second chapter whilst on the phone with a friend; she said, "You know Dumbledore dies, right?" and I'm like, "No! No one dies! No one!" and her mom was in the background laughing her head off. ...you have them and you've never read them? HOW DARE YOU! That's that's that's like a mortal sin that! When you finish Dreamcatcher (which is like my third-favorite Stephen King book) you must slog your way through "The Gunslinger." It's... weird. Really weird. But the other books are normal King writing... only better! The ending of Dreamcatcher kind of sucks, though, now that I think of it. PB: Yep, poor Bobby... NOT! Hey, you use oy? Cool. I had to look back at the chapter for the Warren moment... Forge is gonna be Cronk... because Ororo is Yzma because Remy is Kuzco... I like casting people out of their element for gags. But it'll be AGES before I get to that one. Anyway, yeah, it's just a random cameo. Di told me to borrow her because she has OC buildup. The translation is "Nix the backstory!" It took me a while to figure that out. Probably because I wasn't really concentrating. Planet of the Apes usually makes me want to barf... I just don't like that movie anymore for some reason. Dark Tower. Kicks ass. Ok, so it SOUNDS confusing, but that's just because it's been ages since I read it; it's really quite good. They rereleased the first four books in softcover form because the last three books were coming out... I do so love my Dark Tower; I reference it a lot in XB. I took Spanish Junior year because it's easy. Otak: Aw, damn... I should move to France after Sophomore year; then I can get a job as a stupid person and drink. Yeah, a lot of people tend to think I'm older than I am... which is handy sometimes, but usually just weird. ...you read the Dark Tower. And you ship Kurtty... and you're Canadian... coming down to WI anytime soon? I like The Waste Lands because it has lots of Jake, and I like Jake. But Drawing of the Three makes me laugh a lot. I love Eddie... -big grin- By the by, you never mentioned your real name... so you're Mr. Otak, ok? SF: What, no suggestions of just WHAT could go wrong? Well, I've got an idea, anyway, but still. I love your suggestions... they're just so... random. It's a beautiful thing. CF: Wow, I have a lot of people who get an acronym with 'f'. Yeah, the pink was kind of a running joke in Waste Lands. Good. I need to have a John madness chapter after the big reunion chapter... i.e. chapter 22 will be the John madness one. Yep, HP6, seems like everyone's mentioning that... eh, I don't mind that much. It's just a book. The movie will be depressing, though. It took me a few minutes to write it... Wow. Damn that's a long response thingy.)

ON THE X-PLANE...

The landing was easy. Getting off the plane was easy. What wasn't easy was finding the damn place. "We're lost again, aren't we?" said Ororo, facepalming.

"We are NOT lost!" Logan cried.

"We are," Hank mouthed, inspecting the map with him.

"We're all doomed," Ororo muttered.

"I told you," Zee said, with a sage nod.

ON BLAINE THE MONO...

The lost people were slowly but surely insane... well, more insane. Blaine refused point-blank to switch out of his John Wayne voice, and damn was it getting annoying.

Shelley started banging her head against a window. Pyro's eye was twitching. Kurt and Remy were playing double solitaire. And Di was staring up at the ceiling, lying on the plush carpet (1). Morph was rocking back and forth, going "La la la la la la," a la the dog in Little Nicky. (2)

"TWENTY MILES TO D.C., LITTLE TRAILHANDS. WE'RE ALMOST OUTTA THE WOODS."

Pyro's whole face twitched, Morph started humming louder, and Shelley started banging harder.

If trains could smirk, Blaine would've been.

AT THE CONCERT PLACE... THING...

Mr. Otak, the Canadian running the whole mutant-rights-concert-benefit thing, was freaking out. It wasn't because of the current act onstage, no. It was because the act for later that day, the big one, the crowd attractor, was missing. The X-Men hadn't shown. If they didn't, they'd be doomed.

Alison Blaire (3) finished her set and came offstage to loud applause from the crowd. "You're up, wingboy," she said, nudging a blond boy with red wings.

"Ah told ya not ta call me that," Jay Guthrie muttered. (4)

Alison shrugged and flounced off to her dressing room.

"WHERE ARE THEY!" Mr. Otak shrieked in the background. He'd been doing that every time someone finished a set.

Alison stuck her head out of her room. "Oh, would you take a chill pill!"

"For once, I agree with disco over there," said Jay.

"Hey! Disco will NEVER die!"

Mr. Otak paused in his hair-pulling-out-type-spazzing to give Alison a "Yeah, right" look along with Jay.

Alison stuck her tongue out at them and ducked back into her room.

"Now get on there before we have a riot on our hands!" Mr. Otak cried, shoving him out the door. "...more than one we'll have anyway..."

"Dude, you seriously need some of your vodka," (5) Jay said, before hopping out on stage.

Mr. Otak shot him a death glare before going back to fevered rantings.

In the way of X-band-plot-device timing, that was exactly when the X-plane arrived in the back area of the concert place... thing.

"Hey, Mr. Otak, they're here," said a INRPJPD (6).

"I'm aware of that, you fluffy idiot!" Mr. Otak cried, pointing at the honking big plane out of which the X-men were streaming.

"Oh, right."

Mr. Otak was counting the X-men, and he was not liking the numbers. Flipping through his Omnipresent Clipboard (OC for shortness), he found that some people who were supposed to be with them... weren't. He walked up to a scowling girl in green. "WHERE IS EVERYBODY!" he demanded.

The girl blinked, and pulled what appeared to be a stuffed penguin out of her pocket. She squeaked it at him hopefully.

Mr. Otak fell over in a dead faint.

"If you've killed him, I may just have to sue you," Alison commented, peering out of her dressing room.

The girl facepalmed. "We're, like, doomed, right?" said her friend in pink. The girl nodded, rubbing her temples. _It's gonna be a _long_ day..._

ON BLAINE THE MONO...

"WELL, LITTLE TRAILHANDS, WE'RE FIFTEEN MILES FROM D.C."

"Oh thank GOD!" John yelled.

"DON'T SOUND SO EXCITED OR I MAY JUST HAVE TO KILL YOU."

"Please, do!" Shelley piped up. John shot her a death glare and she just grinned at him.

"We're all gonna die," Kurt mumbled.

"Are you always this paranoid?" Morph asked.

"Why yes, yes I am."

"We **are** gonna die..." said Morph.

BACK ON THE X-PLANE...

"So, Mr. LeBeau, did you bring your guitar?" Hank asked.

Renee looked like he was ready to scream. "_Pendant la dernière fois foutue, je ne suis pas ce LeBeau de type_!" (For the last fucking time, I'm not this guy LeBeau... I only used that because freaking isn't a real word according to the French.)  
"You're drunk again, aren't you."  
"_Peut-être..._"  
Hank facepalmed and dragged the protesting Renee off to God knew where... again.  
"Aw, the blue dude stole the hot French dude," JP muttered.  
"Kinky," Aurora agreed, inspecting her nails.

(Ok, I'm aware that this is short... really short... but my muse is being... bad... the next chapter will be long... I promise. After all, it IS the big reunion chapter.)

(1) Blaine is pretty well tricked out.

(2) I can't remember the dog's name, SO SUE ME.

(3) Dazzler, anyone?

(4) Yep, you heard right, Sam's little brother, codename: Icarus. He's cool, yo.

(5) Heheh... when I'm 21 I'm soooo gonna try that, Otak.

(6) Remember? I'm-Not-Really-a-Person-Just-a-Plot-Device?


	21. The Big Reunion Chapter!

Disclaimer: "Bad Grandma! Sit! Please don't eat the kitty!"

(An: Oh, yay, we're getting to the ending... heheh, this story is officially old enough to drink. CF: Uh... I would say both apply to our noble X-banders. I don't really give a damn about Dumbledore being dead; Harry needs to stand on his own two feet. I don't... it's a hassle. Ugh, you can sit through that? It usually makes me physically ill. Jay is kickass; I got the idea from Toddfan. Heheh... I love making fun of John. Oh, it's in this chapter, hold your horses... did I really just type that? I saw the Pyguin picture and it made me laugh... a lot. But... but... I'm scared of penguins... -hides- Otak: Jason Weaver, huh? Aw, nobody ever gets American geography. Writer's block? Don't ask me... that's why I started the X-band; I had writer's block on my OC story. I get it a lot. I find the best thing to do is just distract yourself from whatever's giving you hell and work on something else... why do you think I have three or four running stories? Have y'tried banging your head against the wall for a while? That's my strategy sometimes, lol. Cats Laughing? O.o SF: Heheh... I'm gonna use that... you watch me! TF: I think it's damn funny; the dog always makes me burst out laughing. I read WotW when I was like nine and it scared the crap out of me; I stayed up until like midnight to finish it and then I sat up shivering the rest of the night... the movie is kickass. I've learned not to expect much from Stephen King endings (just look at the Dark Tower series, I slogged through a thousand-plus pages for THAT to happen to Roland!); I just read them for the buildup and characters and crap. He writes like me, now that I think of it... heheh. PB: Don't even get me started on drinking and driving; we get a lot of that up here. I LOVE Little Nicky, I watch it all the time. Uh... JP? No, somehow, I doubt it. Maybe if I ever write slash... but probably no. Yeah, I like the name Mr. Otak too... heheh, we used to joke that our teacher waxed his head 'cause it was shiny. Yeah, I had to check to make sure he was Canadian.)

ON BLAINE THE MONO...

"We're all gonna die, we're all gonna die," Kurt chanted.

"Oh, would you stop being so damn paranoid!" AJ cried.

"When did you get here?" the others demanded.

"Whenever the author remembered me," she replied with a shrug.

"When did you learn about the author?" said Kurt.

"...Who?"

Kurt facepalmed.

"WELL, LITTLE TRAILHANDS, WE'RE HERE!"

"THANK GOD!" everyone else yelled.

Blaine made an annoyed, caps-lock-is-my-territory sound.

Everyone ignored him; they were too busy RLF (1) off the train.

"Now, does anyone know where exactly the concert is?" Shelley asked.

Remy held up a finger. After a moment, the finger went down.

"I hope that's the only part that does that," she commented.

Remy facepalmed. 

"We're doomed," Kurt muttered.

"Now I agree with you," AJ said. Her bunnymen nodded in sad agreement.

"Well, we'd better start walking," said Warren, with Forge and Cookie under an arm.

"When did you get here?" everyone else asked.

"Just now, through a plothole," Warren explained, with a shrug. This shrug, of course, means he dropped Cookie and Forge. He gasped. "Cookie!" He dived for the alligator.

"The... pain..." Forge mumbled, twitching slightly. "BUNNIES!"

"You're a weird, weird little man," AJ commented. "Did your mommy ever tell you that?"

AT THE CONCERT...

"What's Kitty doing?" JP asked Bobby.

"Go away."

"I was just asking a question."

"I wish you would die."

"That's not very nice..."

"Please leave or I may be forced to kill you."

"But-"

Aurora elbowed him. "You **did** make him lose his girlfriend," she pointed out.

"SHE'S NOT MY GIRLFRIEND!" Bobby yelled, turning red. (2)

"See, no problem," JP replied. "If she wasn't your girlfriend, there's no reason for you to be mad at me for getting her to ditch you."

Bobby did the finger thing (not the Jersey finger thing, the one where you tap your index fingers together because you're nervous? that one). "It's a lot more complicated then that."

JP raised his eyebrows.

"IT IS!"

"She's a fourteen-year-old girl, there's no such thing as complex with them. Either you were going out, or you weren't."

"We weren't."

"So then why are you mad at me!"

"Because you're annoying."

"I am not!"

"You've been following me around all night hitting on me."

"Because I think you're cute. That's flattery, not a crime."

"I'M NOT GAY, DAMMIT!"

"So?"

Bobby screamed.

"You're going to have to be more articulate than that."

What **was** Kitty doing, you ask? Actually, it's more likely you don't give a damn, but I'll tell you anyway. She was talking with Mr. Otak. "So, you see, Mr. Otak, we're, like, totally can't perform."

"...YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GO ON IN HALF AN HOUR!" Mr. Otak shrieked. "YOU'RE THE STARS! THE BIG ATTRACTION! THIS WHOLE THING WILL BE A FAILURE IF YOU CAN'T GO ON!"

"Well, we can't," Kitty said, shrugging. "Not without our, like, missing people."

"AUGH!" Mr. Otak began to run around in a circle, reminiscent in many ways of Pietro making a tornado.

Kitty and Rogue stared.

WITH JOTT

I bet you all thought I forgot about them. Nope. They've just been busy recovering from the last asswhup they got.

Remember where we left off? Scott and Jean were being killed by paintballgun-weilding zombie penguins of death.

Believe it or not, this was still going on.

Then General Pengy spoke. "STOP!"

All of the penguins stopped whupping Jott's asses.

"We must proceed to the concert of mutant rights thing!"

"How shall we get there, oh great general?" asked an INRPJPLD (only this time it stands for I'm Not Really a **Penguin**, Just a Plot Device).

"Through a plothole, of course," General Pengy says. "For an INRPJPD, you're pretty stupid."

General Pengy snapped his flippers and they were off.

WITH THE INFAMOUS PIXIE STICKS BANDITS... AND THOSE OTHER FREAKS, SOMEWHERE IN D.C...

"We're lost, aren't we," said Di.

"Yep," Shelley agreed.

"What we need," said Remy, "is a plot device."

"As it just so happens," Forge said (he was not facing the bunnies, so he wasn't freaking), "I have one." He pulled out a purple octagonal device. "I have no idea what it does, but that's what makes it a plot device, right?"

"We're doomed," Di mumbled, facepalming.

"Yep," Shelley agreed.

"Want some cheese?" AJ asked, offering some of her Cheese on a Stick to them. (3)

"Er, no thanks," Di said, edging away.

"I'm good," Shelley said, nodding.

"Your loss," AJ replied.

Forge messed with the plot device and pressed a giant red button.

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

"Dude!" Kurt choked. "Where ARE we!"

"The concert!" Remy replied, doing a little victory dance.

"I **said** it was a plot device," Forge said, looking smug.

Di began to hum "Bright Eyes."

Forge squeaked. "A pox on you woman, a pox!" (4)

"...Why are we all black?" Kurt asked, scraping some black dust off himself.

"Must be a side effect of teleportation," AJ commented, taking the purple thing from the now-twitching Forge and inspecting it. "Hmm." (5)

On the other side of the mosh pit in front of the stage, the penguin horde was appearing. "That was slow," INRPJPD commented.

"We're stuck using dialup," General Pengy explained. "We're not in the right area for broadband right now." (6)

"...Uh-huh..."

"Get out of here, you pathetic non-being, you." General Pengy snapped his flipper and the INRPJPD disappeared.

Rogue, meanwhile, was twitching.

"What's your, like, problem?" Kitty asked her.

_It's here,_ she thought-hissed.

Kitty, of course, didn't hear that. She just stared. "You're really weird, you know?"

Rogue glared at her, and then walked out.

Kitty blinked, and then went back to watching Mr. Otak freak.

Rogue stalked out to where the penguins were staked out. She smacked Jean upside the head. _Let me talk!_

"In a minute... when the world stops spinning..." Jean mumbled.

Rogue kicked her. _Ah hate you._

"Don't we all?" said General Pengy.

Rogue blinked, and then backed away slowly, because General Pengy is pretty creepy like that. 

"We should probably go get our instruments and stuff," Pyro pointed out.

Remy stared at him. "Did y' just... make an intelligent suggestion?"

Pyro seemed P.O.'ed. "Kurt's the one with the bad ideas!" (7)

"So says tinfoil-in-de-microwave-boy," Remy replied, deadpanning. (8)

"That was ONE TIME-" Pyro started, before Remy and Kurt dragged him off.

They found their way backstage to Kitty, who was still watching Mr. Otak freak. Kitty whirled and began to do a little happy-dance when she saw the others. "You're here! Omigod!" She squealed and turned to Otak. "Like, Mr. Otak! It's ok! They're here! We can go on!"

Mr. Otak blinked. "...we can?"

"Yeah, our drummers and guitarist just, like, showed up!" Kitty chirped.

"That's them?" Mr. Otak asked, pointing at Remy, Kurt, and John and looking a little skeptical. Well, they **were** covered in the black stuff.

"Well... yeah!"

"...WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Mr. Otak cried.

"Stop being so melodramatic," said Jay, coming off the stage. "You guys're up."

"Oh, joy, here comes the big song-n-dance sequence," John muttered.

"Shut UP!" Kurt begged him. "I don't wanna go back in the author's basement! The idiot who designed Tabby's hair is down there!" (9)

"...Good point," John admitted. "Why don't we just go set up?"

TEN MINUTES LATER...

The X-band was set up, and everyone was ready... everyone except Rogue, of course. Rogue was the lead singer. Rogue couldn't talk. All this added up to a very, very, **very** pissed off Rogue.

That was, of course, when Jean decided to **finally** remove the whole speaking-ban thing.

"Holy shit!" Rogue yelled. She turned to Remy. "You are the most-"

That was, of course, when Mr. Otak wisely decided to turn off her mic until the end of her outburst. "Censorship rules, eh?"

Logan looked up from his sobbing over Rodna, suddenly cheered up. "Tell me you're Canadian," he begged. "I need to hear these words."

"I'm from Toronto," Mr. Otak said. "You don't **sound** Canadian." (10)

"That's because I don't remember my time in Canada and thus don't speak with an accent," Logan replied. "And besides, I like going for the whole gruff-angle, anyway."

Mr. Otak blinked.

"I've got a Bottomless Bottle of Beer."

"Now you're speaking my language!"

Mr. Otak threw an arm around Logan's shoulders and they strolled off to discuss hamster love, freakouts, and get really really drunk.

"Glad someone's happy," Ororo muttered as the X-band started up. Then Forge tapped her on the shoulder. "To hell with serenity!" she yelled and tackled him. (11)

"Random mack session, check," Hank murmured. "Why don't I ever get any loooooove?" He burst into tears.

"Scary," Forge and Ororo said in unison, then got back to business.

To sum up, it was a big party-type thing, everyone was happy (except Rogue, who, you know, doesn't do happy), and the concert was a big success. Blah blah blah by now you're not even reading you just want this chapter to be over like I do.

Except, of course, we've forgotten something...

WITH THE ALMIGHTY SHIKAKA AND ALL THAT...

"**_At last, my minion, we have found what we have searched for all this time,_**" Apocaroach rejoiced, holding up a book with a caricatured wombat on the front.

"...What is it?"

"**_The Wombromonicon, you fool!_**" (12)

"...What is it?"

Apocaroach backhanded Mesmeroach. "**_Our ticket to finally defeating the X-men, you fool! And conquering the world! ...and resuming our original forms and all that! This is the most fabled book of marsupial-flavored malignant magic in the macroverse!_**"

"Isn't the alliteration a little much, oh lord and master?" Mesmeroach asked. Apocaroach's response was a scathing eyebrow. "...Forget I said anything. So how do we get to the X-men? We don't even know where they went?"

"**_Through a plothole, you fool!_**"

"Yes, yes, of course, sir," Mesmeroach agreed. He still looked weirded out, though.

(And that's that... ugh, it sucked. The next chapters will be faster. And better. I promise.)

(1) Ok, ok, I'll translate: Running Like A-Certain-Four-Letter-Word-I'm-Not-Allowed-To-Put-In-More-Than-Once-Thanks-To-The-Rating.

(2) The obligatory Jubby crack.

(3) I know this joke is gacked from something else... oh, yes, "You are SO Cursed!" by Naomi Nash. "Why would I want to go to the mall?" "Because of Cheese on a Stick. You love Cheese on a Stick. Mmm! Cheese! On a stick!"

(4) Gacked from "Teacher Training." I think that is my favorite gag.

(5) From Red Vs. Blue. If you use the teleporter, for some reason you get covered in black stuff. I really reccomend getting the DVDs for this. You will laugh. And laugh. Until you choke. Trust me.

(6) -.- This is what we were told when we went to my ISP's HQ and requested broadband. You get a gold pocket protector if you understood that.

(7) Crack from "The X-Band, Part Deuce!" of course.

(8) From "I Could Grab it with My Nubs", a really good fic... if you don't mind the uber-disturbing pairing Remy/John.

(9) Clover would get this... she suggested I stick him down there after discovering first-hand what a bitch to draw her hair is.

(10) Logan never sounds Canadian... except in the webimation "X-men: Death Becomes Them", of course.

(11) You KNOW I had to have some random Storge in there.

(12) The book of ultimate evil from Megatokyo. It's what makes Largo think Tohya-san is a zombie leader... or it could be the fact that he's almost always drunk. Yeah, that doesn't help... or the fact that she's a creepy teenage girl with a crush on him... why am I telling you this? SO YOU'LL GO READ THE DAMN THING!


	22. Cthulhu Chaos!

Disclaimer: "So... you're the elder god Cthulhu and you're here to take over the world?" "Yes, yes, creamy, delicious world domination!"

(An: 100 reviews! Yay! Otak: So... have you been scarred for life yet? lol Had to ask. Drinking with Logan... I can only imagine. DCDDFD: I know, that sounded like that... I knew I KNEW it from somewhere. Well, I FINALLY found someone smarter than me, even though I haven't taken that test in like a year, lol. Penguins. It's a long story. See the last chapter of the second X-Band. -blink- An ACTUAL fic from you? Holy shit! Heheh, just kidding. ...what was THAT about? Ugh, do NOT mention that; I just found out a friend of a friend has mild anorexia. Total head/heartache. Yep, Mr. Otak's insane... I wonder if he noticed, lol. Yeah, Tabby's hair bitching is a disease. First Toddfan did it, then I did it, and now Clover's doing it. -blink- ...good point. I don't know... yet. -insert evil laughter- TF: I knew that would please you. Yeah, I saw the movie first... honestly, I liked that ending better... it made more sense, as sad as that is.)

AT THE CONCERT...

There was a poof and Apocaroach and Mesmeroach appeared. Amazingly, nobody batted an eye... no, wait, that's not amazing; it's routine.

"...Why are we all black?" Mesmeroach asked.

"**_Question not the powers of the Wombromonicon, you fool_**!" Apocaroach cried, brandishing the fell, evil, wombat-y tome.

Mesmeroach sniffled. "Whatever happened to 'Mesmeroach?'" he whimpered.

Apocaroach backhanded him again. "**_SILENCE, LACKEY_**!"

Mesmeroach started to sob quietly.

Apocaroach kicked him, and then turned his attention to the Wombromonicon. "**_All right, all right, here's one,_**" he announced, flipping through the book. He cleared his throat and said something.

There was a poof, and Apocaroach and Memeroach were returned to their normal shapes (they were still all black though).

"Black and blue, I chose my way, I the candid castaway," Mesmero warbled. (1)

Apocalypse backhanded him.

"What was that for, sir?"

"**_The big concert-y thing is over; if you wanted to quote Anna Nalick you should've done it then!_**"

Mesmero blinked.

"**_Why am I forced to consort with such idiots?_**" Apocalypse muttered. He returned to the Wombromonicon, but was interrupted by someone tugging at that toga-loincloth-thing he wears.

"Excuse me," demanded a voice from behind him, "but is that the fabled Necromonicon of Lovecraftian lore?"

Apocalypse looked up and then down, blinking. "...**_What the HELL are you?_**"

The purple, midgety, squidlike thing rose up to its full height (which, admittedly, wasn't much). "I am the elder god Cthulhu, lord of the realm of Tartarus!"

"...Isn't that the stuff that gets stuck to your teeth?" Mesmero inquired.

Apocalypse stared at him for a moment, and then turned back to Cthulhu. "**_You foolish purple midget! This is the WOMBROMONICON! Quite different._**"

"I am NOT a purple midget!" Cthulhu responded. "I'm violet and vertically challenged. There's a difference." (2)

"...**_I'm sure,_**" Apocalypse responded.

Cthulhu waved his arms. "Come on, come on, I'm only this way because I manifested in a toilet," he responded.

"...**_I'm gonna forget I ever met you now, buh-bye,_**" Apocalypse responded.

"No respect, no respect," Cthulhu muttered. Then he heard a meow and ran off, screaming about someone named Mr. Buttons. (3)

"That was weird," Mesmero commented.

"**_For once, you got something right, lackey,_**" Apocalypse agreed. "**_Now, onto business!_**"

WITH THE X-MEN...

Rogue was mentally ticking things off. _Ok, we've had the big reunion bit, and the random concert thing (sans the random lyrics), so now what're we missing?_

There was a giant explosion as Apocalypse and Mesmero blasted through the wall with the randomly amazing powers of the Wombromonicon.

_Oh. That._

"Weren't they cockroaches the last time we saw them?" Zee whispered to M.A.

"Probably."

Zee blinked and decided not to pursue the subject. "So what do we do then? Scream and panic?"

M.A. turned her head to stare incredulously at Zee. "No, stupidhead! We wait for the plot device is what we do!"

Zee blinked again. Whether it was at the stupidhead or at the plot device, we may never know.

"Three... two... one..." said M.A.

Cthulhu came through the hole in the wall. "It **is** the Necromonicon!" he yelled.

Apocalypse held up the book, pointing to the wombat-y evil on the cover. "**_See the wombat-y evil! SEE IT!_**"

"That's MINE, bitch!" Cthulhu yelled, and tackled him.

"And with that display of OOCness..." M.A. muttered.

"Dude," said Kurt. "What's with the squid?"

"It's not a squid," M.A. replied, indignant, "it's the elder god Cthulhu from the depths of Tartarus."

"...Riiiight." 

The rest of the X-people-thing-group just sat there, watching Apocalypse try to rabbit punch Cthulhu. Somehow, even though Apocalypse was like three feet taller than the purple midget, Cthulhu was winning.

"Toldja," said M.A., inspecting her nails.

"I always thought plot devices would be... y'know... taller," Zee commented, cocking her head.

"Eh, you take what you get in these kind of fics," M.A. responded, shrugging.

"True, true."

Apocalypse managed to shove Cthulhu off him and held him at arm's length. He then spouted a few words from the Wombromonicon, and Cthulhu disappeared.

"Where did you send him?" Mesmero asked. "Nowhere nice, I hope."

Apocalypse shrugged.

"Ok, so maybe that **wasn't** the plot device," M.A. murmured.

"You need a plot device?" Forge asked (he and Ororo had finally disattached). "I've got one right here!" He pulled it out and pressed the button. There was another big crash as a different wall fell in. Through the wall came a bunch of (you guessed it... or maybe not) dancing chihuahua robots! "...My robots!" Forge asked. "Damn, I was hoping for an explosion. Must be on the fritz."

The robots clapped their hands, and began to do the macarena.

"AUGH!" cried all of the X-people. "IT BURNS!"

Apocalypse and Mesmero, though, seemed to be hypnotized by the scary beat. After staring at the chihuahuas long enough to learn the dance, they began to do it too. They followed the chihuahuas out, still dancing.

"...That was SO disturbing," said Rogue, after a moment.

"Y' said it, _chere_," said Remy.

"**That's** what we were missing!" Rogue cried, snapping her fingers. "A random ROMY mack session!" With that, she tackled Remy. (3)

Everyone decided it was better to just ignore the heavily macking teens and slowly backed away.

Nobody noticed, of course, that Pyro was missing...

WITH CTHULHU...

Cthulhu found himself in the middle of a ring of stones. An annoying little man stepped forward and started speaking. "You, like many before you, have become unhinged from time. You will be sent on a series of missions-"

Since Cthulhu was back in his normal, taller form, he punched him in the face. "Shut up." (4)

(Short, late, but to the point, I know. Oh, well, I'll try to get this finished before school starts; I have eight days. But there're only three more chapters, so that's heartening.)

(1) Anna Nalick, "Satellite." Idunno, I've just been kind of on a kick with her, lately... oh, God, it happened again. The jokes from my parodies leaked over to the X-band. It's like a disease!

(2) This modified version of Cthulhu (which I hope has sufficiently confused you) is from the webcomic "Cthulhu and Kelley." Google it, I beg you. It's awesome. Even if you don't understand Cthulhu (like me) you'll love it anyway. That is in fact a direct discourse from it. The disclaimer quote is the bit that comes before it. The creamy delicious part is about ice cream.

(3) Well, I did say originally there was gonna be Romy... it's an X-band staple, so I had to bung it in SOMEWHERE.

(4) The annoying little man is the Timebroker, since Cthulhu has been Exiled, of course. That whole bit is stolen from "X-men: Revisiting Profit" a webimation parodying House of M, as I understand.


	23. The Pyro Insanity Chapter!

Disclaimer: "If at first you don't succeed... skydiving is not for you."

(An: And here 'tis... another X-band staple: the Pyro insanity chapter. Don't give me that look- that "Skysong, get your butt moving" look. I know I'm slow. And pathetic. But that's what you've come to expect from me. TF: Yes, evil... but without him we wouldn't have Exiles!Morph. We'd just have Lame!Changeling. That's the idea. CF: Tartarus... hmm, dunno, you'll have to ask Cthulhu. Yeah... bleh. Mike. G: Why thank you, sir. I've been neglecting my shapeshifting friend since I wrote him his own story, haven't I... hmm. DCDDFD: -sticks tongue out- I'm a year younger than you (from what I've gathered) so there. That'd be cool... actually that's what I have to do for the next story in the Big Boom series... if I can ever finish this -beep- chapter of IRT... ugh. Huh. I know, I love Cthulhu and Kelley. Sooo funny. Wow, you did? I was just gonna have it be Cthulhu... and then I couldn't figure out how to have Cthulhu beat him... so I brought in the robots! ELDEST! OMFG IT'S OUT! -fangirl squeal- Seriously, I just finished _Eragon_ earlier. I love Paolini- he's more like J.R.R. Tolkien reincarnated... and a helluva lot better. I bet I do too; I keep crossing my fingers for Eragon/Arya 'cause I'm a sucker like that... I envy Paolini; he can actually map things. I just stole a map of Neillsville and modified it for my imaginary town.)

WITH PYRO, SOMEWHERE IN D.C...

As usual in the X-band series, Pyro had seen his opening and wandered off to burn stuff. He was flicking his lighter open and shut, searching for the optimum national monument/icon/senator to fry when he tripped over something... er, someone. "Hey! I'm sleeping here!" said the voice.

John blinked. He knew that voice... it appeared on a few episodes... "...**Ray**? You're still alive?"

"The mer people saved me... hey, you weren't at the hotel! How would you know!" said Ray, getting up.

"I know everything," John replied, shrugging. "I'm filling that slot this chapter."

"Ah," said Ray, backing off a bit.

A short, brown-haired girl came out of the shop next to them. "Can't I leave you alone for five minutes?" she demanded of Ray, backhanding him. (1)

"Ow!" said Ray.

"...Who're you?"

"We're the random insanity characters who are supposed to watch in horror and make comments as you destroy half our nation's most beloved city," she replied.

Pyro blinked.

She rolled her eyes. "I'm Cassy."

"Right, then," said John. "Um... nice seein' ya Ray, but you know how it is- stuff to burn, people to bug. Gotta go!"

"Don't they actually **need** him at the concert?" Cassy asked Ray.

"Eh, who cares? This is gonna be funny... or at least mind-scarring."

"Good point."

Pyro pulled his lighter out of his pocket again and started looking around. Then he spotted a fat cop who (apparently) had survived the mauling by a fire kitty he'd gotten in the first X-band. Mr. "Hey you, with the donut" dropped his donut and booked as fast as his fat legs would take him. (2)

Pyro blinked, and then got an eeeevil look on his face. _If there's no ten-story inferno in place, then I'll just have to make one, won't I, mate..._ He grinned, and a little flicker of fire came out from his lighter.

"Oh, God," said Ray, in the background. "We've gotta stop him."

"But I just **said**-" Cassy started.

Ray just stared at her for a moment. "I don't really give a damn, since you're just one of the author's netfriends getting a random cameo." He rubbed his hands together and said (you guessed it), "Let's fry that Aussie."

"What's up with the 'let's'?" Cassy asked him. "I don't have neat mutant powers."

Ray glared at her for a moment, then zapped Pyro, who promptly passed out. "We'd better go get the others to come scrape him up."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Pyro groaned and opened his eyes. He was being poked with a stick. He blinked. Standing over him with the stick was a monkey, standing next to a girl with a purple thing on her shoulder.

WHAT THE MONKEY SAID: "Is it dead?"

WHAT PYRO HEARD: "Oook ook gak eek!"

"No, I don't think so," said the girl. "Are you dead?" she inquired of Pyro.

"I bloody well might be with this headache," Pyro muttered. "I always imagined hell having penguins, though."

WHAT THE MONKEY SAID: "Me too."

WHAT PYRO HEARD: "Eek gak oook ook!"

"I'm Thorn," said the girl. "Contrary to popular belief, I'm **not** a demonic presence from hell. I'm a cameo."

"**Another** cameo?" Pyro muttered. "The author must not've watched Fairly OddParents in a while."

WHAT THE MONKEY SAID: "Uh... let's get out of here."

WHAT PYRO HEARD: "Gak oook ook eek!"

"Good idea," said Thorn, backing off slowly and then running away.

Pyro rolled his eyes and went off to find another random cameo in his search for something to burn.

It was then that he found it- the **fire**! A big blaze downtown, to be precise. He got that big creepy grin he's always wearing in Evo and practiced his evil laughter.

And then, when he was five minutes from the fire, he paused, hearing a meow. Pyro blinked. A small orange cat in boots, a hat, and what appeared to be a swordbelt stepped out in front of him. The cat blinked huge green eyes, holding its hat in its hands and looking quite contrite. Pyro dropped his lighter. "Awww..." he mumbled. (3)

"Pray for mercy," murmured the cat, straightening up and placing his hat on his head, "from Puss-"

Pyro got the hint and ran off screaming because he **knew** the cat could kick his ass. Then he came back for a minute to grab his lighter and ran off screaming again.

The cat blinked. "Aw," he muttered. "I didn't even get to finish my line."

Pyro sighed, leaning against a building and gasping for breath.

"Are you at the 'evading the cops' bit, then?" Cassy asked.

"Where did you come from!"

"I'm everywhere. Fear me." Then the midget (4) tilted back her head and let off a perfectly evil laugh.

Pyro stared for a moment, then said, "Wow. Nice."

"Why thank you." Then she looked around. "Hmm, they're late."

"Who's late? The potato people? You didn't arrange a meeting with them, did you!" (5)

Cassy gave him the WTF eyebrow for a moment, then shrugged and turned back to what she was doing. "Ah. There we go," she said, apparently spotting something.

Ray and Morph came strolling down the lane. Pyro eyed them skeptically. "We've come to take you back," said Ray.

"Be assimilated or die!" Morph cried, in the voice of the Borg Queen. (6) He cackled.

"Oh my god! Agent Smith!" Pyro cried, pointing at Ray (who happened to be wearing sunglasses). He then ran screaming down the street.

"I take it he does that a lot?" Cassy asked.

"Sort of," said Ray and Morph in unison.

"Tranq darts?" Ray asked Morph, who nodded.

"Tranq darts."

"You guys have tranq darts?" Cassy asked, impressed.

"Well..."

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Cassy's mouth was hanging open as she watched Morph sneak up on Pyro (who was still screaming, just not running). Morph was humming the "Mission Impossible" theme and holding a rock. "**That's** your tranq dart!" she demanded of Ray.

"Yep... who do you think we are, Gambit?" (7)

"That'll like kill him!"

"Some casualties may occur," Ray quoted. "It says so on the back of the Killer Rock (tm)."

Cassy gaped. "Oh, God," she muttered, facepalming.

There was a thunk as Morph threw the Killer Rock (tm) and Pyro, to fill the pun quotient of this chapter, dropped like a stone.

A WHILE LATER...

Pyro swam back into conciousness. _Whoa! Deja vu!_ "I feel like I got hit with a brick..."

"If you killed our drummer, Ah'll have to kill **you**," said Rogue to Morph. "Contractual obligations and whatnot."

Morph stared at her for a moment, then burst into tears. "I feel so betrayed!"

Rogue blinked. "Ah barely know you."

Morph paused, sniffling. "So... this isn't 'Instellar Road Trip'?"

Rogue stared. "Wrong universe, kid."

"Oh. Right. Sorry." Morph sucked it up and walked off, whistling. (8)

"Hey! What about me! I'm a drummer!" Kurt cried.

"Nobody cares, Kurt," Pyro replied. "You're a drummer, but I'm the important one." He preened.

"...But **I'm** the author's favorite character!"

"And you're happy about that?"

"...Damn, good point."

That was when Mr. Otak came running by (weaving a little), yelling "X-MEN! BACK IN THE JET!"

"That would be our cue," said Pyro, getting up.

"Exit, stage left!" Kurt cried, bamfing off to the jet. (9)

(Ok, ok, that was late and stuff, but I'm in a hurry, so, -insert random Skysong excuse/apology here-. That said, next chapter (which I -cough-reallyneedsuggestionsfor-cough): The trip back home!)

(1) Cassy's cameo. She asked for it. Don't give me that look. It unblocked my writer's block for a bit, so you should be grateful.

(2) Primarily stuck in there to make my friend Katie burst out laughing. That was her and Shelly's favorite joke from the original X-band.

(3) Ok... yeah, a really random Puss in Boots cameo. Because I love that little guy.

(4) Heheheh... Cassy is about an inch shorter than me, something I frequently mock.

(5) I remember reading a really random fic that started in Pyro's POV but was really Remy's dream (or nightmare, rather) and turned into a Romy... um, anyway, it involved potato people, Evil!Remy, and banana weapons. Don't ask.

(6) Please tell me I'm not the only one who watched TNG. Please. Oh, all right, the Borg Queen was this crazy bitch who ran these insect-hive-mind-cyborg people. And she was always rambling on about "assimilation." This is also kindasorta a subtle reference to "Instellar Road Trip," but only really perceptive people would pick up on it without me pointing it out.

(7) You know, in Cajun Spice, where Remy's staff had a gas thingy in it?

(8) Morph and Rogue are... y'know... friends in the Big Boom universe. Yeah.

(9) Ok, here is my classic cartoon trivia for the week (i.e., if no one knows this, I will cry): There's an infamous pink cat who often said this when he need to make a hasty retreat. Who was it?


	24. The Return Trip and MUFFINS!

Disclaimer: "And I'm still in a tutu! He made me do a jig!" "That madman! He must be stopped! ...Please, what is a jig?"

(An: Ooooh the mad return chapter... this is always so short, though. Sad. TF: That's just downright scary. Rahmfan: CASSY! -tackle- I still can't believe you're going to see FOB... WITHOUT MEEEE! CF: Yep, Pyro insanity. I so agree with you... whee, fire! No, no, see, it's "Trample the living, hurdle the dead." SF: Yeah... I know... it took me a while... -sweatdrop- Oh, man, I am SO using that! GOD that's funny! DCDDFD: I assumed you were, because I only found out recently that eighth graders are allowed to take a year of language (I assumed you were in highschool before me). Lucky ducks... ahem. No, I have not; I'm waiting to borrow it from one of my friends, buy it, or get it from the library... it ain't gonna happen soon, in other words. I didn't know Mr. "Hey You, with the Donut" had so many fans! I'll have to stick him in the movieverse one... Yes, he is immortal. And you know, a cop. YES DAMMIT! -raps on PB's skull- Unless you let slip your password somewhere, I can't, smart one. I KNEW it was by EvilWhiteRaven! TNG. -sobs- The. Next. Generation! Oh, btw, the cartoon character was TOP CAT. You know, yellow cat, pink suit, blue sidekick? I'm going to go cry in a corner now.)

ON THE X-JET...

"So... the reason you didn't talk for like the first twenty chapters of this was because Jean put a no-talky thing on you, and then she got abducted by penguins so you couldn't get her to lift it until they came through the plothole and she recovered and you couldn't tell us that because we like totally suck at charades?" said Kitty, all in a breath. (1)

"Um... yeah, that sounds about right..." said Rogue.

"I miss the days when things were short and stupid," said Kitty.

"Yep."

"You know, I get the funny feeling we, like, forgot something," said Kitty. Then she shrugged. "Oh, well, who cares?"

BACK IN DC...

"Hey," said Scott. "Shouldn't we have gotten on the jet?" Since Jean was an idiot, she made no reply.

"There you are, GWPUTA," said General Pengy. "We haven't yet fulfilled our torture quota. Come with us so you can get a minor (but painful) mention in the final chapter!"

"Oh, God," said Scott.

"Suck it up!" said the INRPJPD.

Scott began to sob quietly.

"Someone shut it up, I need to concentrate," said General Pengy.

"FETCH THE FISHES!" yelled the INRPJPD.

"Oh, God," Scott said again. "Rotten seafood **and** alliteration. We are **so** screwed."

"Give the lad a cookie," said General Pengy, getting an evil, penguiny smirk. "Or, in that case, a rotten fish!"

"We're mean, we're rude, and worst of all, we slap GWPUTAs with fishes!" an INRPJPD cried (he had a Jewish accent). "MAN I love my job!" (2)

There was a splat and all went black for poor, poor Jott. Yeah, right.

BACK ON THE JET...

"So the X-men are a bunch of guys (and girls, but who cares about them?) who run around in spandex all day?" said JP.

Bobby, resigned, nodded. 

"Sound like Alpha Flight to you?" JP asked Aurora.

She nodded. "Yep, just without the hairy guys and the Canadian accents."

They grinned at each other, and then turned to Bobby, "We're in."

"Oh, God," said Bobby.

"Oh, would you SUCK IT UP!" Ray yelled from behind him.

"Somebody slap him with a fish. Please. I'm begging you."

"NO! NO FISHES! THEY TRIED TO EAT ME!" Ray shrieked. (3)

"We'll just try to get a room far, far away from the crazy people," said Aurora.

"Good luck with that," said Rahne, watching the professor spin his wheelchair in circles.

"On second thought, we'll take what we get," JP amended, now watching him as well.

Up in the front, Logan, Jubilee, and Ororo were all getting drunk out of Logan's BBB. Business as usual. Yep. (4)

"Where do you think the professor got his neato pimp hat?" Morph inquired of Pyro. "I want one!"

"He stole it off Roberto," said Pyro. "But if you want one of your own, go to the top floor bathroom at the institute and whisper 'studmuffin' into the third sink from the door. You'll learn everything you need to know, **and** get a neato pimp hat." (5)

"...Riiiight."

"Trust me. I know everything."

"What's the square root of 912, then?"

Pyro quickly grabbed a glass of beer and took a lusty sip. "I make it a point never to drink and derive, sorry." (6)

Morph stared at him for a moment. "For the record," he said to Kitty, since she was the only other math geek on the bus, "it's thirty point one nine nine three three seven seven-" At this point, he had to pause to gasp for air. (7)

"Good," said Rogue. "You're done talking, now **stay** done."

A HANDY TIMESKIP LATER, AT THE MANSION...

"X-men, move out!" cried the professor.

Everyone ignored him, although they got off the plane anyway.

"Absolute obedience," said Xavier, wiping a tear from his eye.

"You're weird," said Warren. "Don't you think so, Cookie?"

"Like you're one to talk," Forge muttered.

"OHMIGOD!" Xavier screamed. "It's the Acolytes! To me, my X-men!"

Once again, everyone ignored them, in favor of gaping in shock at the Acolytes... and some random guy in a labcoat.

"OH MY GOD!" Morph screamed. "It's Dr. Scratchnsniff!" (8)

"Yo," said Sabretooth.

"Charles," said Magneto.

Jason made monkey sounds, and Dr. Scratchnsniff settled for "And how does zat make you feel?"

"...What are you doing?" Rogue demanded, since nobody else was sane enough to ask.

"Having tea, of course," said Magneto, holding up his cup and a scone.

"Would you like a cup of tea?" said Morph, who had apparently been unhinged by the whole Scratchnsniff thing... no, wait, he was always like that. "I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like a crumpet? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill. Would you like to wear knickers? I would, because I'm Winston Churchill." (9)

"...Let me elaborate," said Rogue. "What in **HELL** are you doing here!"

"Well," said Sabretooth, "we were going to attack, but you weren't here."

"And zen ve saw you had muffins!" Scratchnsniff put in.

"Care for one?" said Magneto.

Charles wheeled over. "Yes, please, I do **so** adore banana nut!" (10)

Rogue facepalmed. "It's almost over, it's almost over, it's almost over."

"You know," Remy said, "talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."

(And that's that. Wow. I updated quickly. Next one should come along briskly as well, since it's the final thoughts chapter, and that's always easy.)

(1) God, with the convoluted plots I write, I could be an X-men person.

(2) Reference to a line said by Pa Grape in _Jonah_.

(3) No, I don't have the faintest what exactly happened to Ray whilst lingering at the bottom of the pool... we may never know.

(4) For the perpetually clueless, this is a running joke through all the X-bands. Subtle thing, sort of. And since it's the last one, I can finally point it out.

(5) This is a joke at my school... all the girls cluster in this one bathroom after lunch, and if you're not one of us, you have to say "studmuffin" to be accepted.

(6) Bumper sticker: Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Please don't drink and derive.

(7) It is. I checked. And it goes out for another thirty places or so, probably.

(8) Reference to "Clover's Diary," in which the Acolyte that replaces Remy gets nicknamed "Dr. Scratchnsniff" by Clover.

(9) A Family Guy line that I have wanted to use FOREVER.

(10) Reference to "Shall We Flirt?"


	25. IT'S OVER! WHO CARES!

Disclaimer: "I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to."

(An: Well, here it is. Last chapter. Sob sob, sniffle sniffle. Oh, btw, I can't be arsed to do the cameo's thoughts- mainly because I can't remember who's here and who's not. Otak: You flatter me... do it again! I know, that line is awesome; it made me burst out laughing. Go to goodquotesdotcom if you want more of the kind. TF: Jason should stop hiding what's inside. He'll explode sooner or later. DCDDFD: I've never actually watched Family Guy... my friend Shelly just said that once and I thought it was hilarious, so it stuck in my brain. Confused much? Mmm, RHPS. Funfun.)

AT THE X-MANSION...

"Sanity!" cried Piotr. Everyone stared at him. "Well, you know, relative terms..."

"He's weird," Kitty muttered.

Piotr began to sob, hearing this.

"Case in point," said Kitty.

JP, of course, butted in. "Mmm, but he's sexy," he pointed out. (1)

"Who asked you!" Kurt demanded. "This series ships Kurtty! KURTTY!"

"You're right, now that I think about it," said Kitty, ignoring Kurt. "He's got a nice ass."

Kurt's jaw dropped and JP snickered.

"Run," Bobby advised. "If you value your life more than your girlfriend, RLF!"

"What's that mean?" Kurt asked, all innocence.

"Oh, no, I'm not gonna be the one to go over the swear counter for this story!" Bobby declared, strolling off.

"He's weird," said Kitty.

"Ah, _oui_," said JP, "_mais c'est l'amour_." (Yes, but that's love. Bwahahah! French I rules! I don't have to run everything through a translator anymore... just... you know... most of it...)

"I still can't believe you got dibs on him," Aurora sulked.

"There's a sad metal man over there," JP replied. "Why don't you go bother him?"

"Oooh, good idea!" Aurora fairly skipped off.

"She's weirder, though," said Kitty.

"Yeah, well, you can't pick your relatives."

Kitty squeaked. "Holy hell, we were serious there for a moment! Somebody hit the button!"

"What button?" JP and all the other random we've-never-been-in-these-fics-before characters cried.

"The big red one!" Kitty replied.

"What's it do?" JP asked. "Do I really wanna find out?"

"The final thoughts button!" Rogue cried. "Why touch that!"

"Because I don't want to write another 'I did this in the other two, so I'm doing it again' bit," M.A. whispered to Zee, who stared.

"I'll do it! Because I like exclamation points!" Kurt cried, and dived for the big red button... which, in the way of all things X-band, had appeared out of nowhere.

There was a muffled explosion. Everyone looked at Gambit. "Why is that whenever this happens y'all look at **me**?" he demanded. (2)

"Because you're the only one around here with powers to that effect?" Kitty pointed out.

"...Damn... I didn't do it, dammit!"

"Nobody cares, Rem," Rogue replied.

"Must've been the wrong button," Kurt said. "No final thoughts here..."

"¿_Por qué no intentamos ESE botón_?" Soy suggested, pointing at a smaller red button sticking out of the side of the mansion, labeled "THIS is the final thoughts button, you dumbass!" (Why don't we try THAT button?)

"Oh my GOD!" Rob yelled. "Did you just... come up with a good idea!"

"There's something unpleasantly familiar about this," Kurt muttered. (3)

Soy ignored that last bit, saying, "¡_Porqué sí, lo hice sí_!" (Why yes, yes I did!)

Renee glanced at him, then attempted to run away screaming. "_L'apocalypse vient! Courez comme la baise, vous les personnes stupides_!" (The Apocalypse is coming! RLF, you stupid people! ...see, this is one of those "most of the time"s...)

"Someone just press the button, so we can END this," Rogue begged, facepalming.

Kurt hit the button with his tail.

Rogue: _Oh, thank GOD! It's over! For me! Sort of!_

Remy: _Seriously, why does everyone always look at ME when these things come up? Sure, I was waaaay shadier in Evo than all of my comic selves combined, but I'm not evil! ...well... if I say I'm not, I'm not, dammit!_

Kurt: _I hate running jokes... I mean, uh, Amanda! ...except this is Kurtty! I just said so... oh, my head hurts!_

Xavier: _My tinfoil hat has been eaten by my banana nut muffins... oh, woe is me._

Ororo:_ I wish this would just end... now, the question is... do I do a random makeout session, or go drinking?_

Logan: _I can't believe the author made me in love with a- is that RODNA! _Logan then ran off screaming.

"Does he do that a lot, you think?" Aurora asked JP, cocking her head.

"...What?" JP said, after a second.

"You were staring at his ass, weren't you."

"...No..."

"You paused. You were staring at his ass."

"Can we **please** get off this subject and back onto finishing this stupid series hopefully once and for all?" Bobby cried.

JP cleared his throat. "Right."

Hank: _Did I ever get a real part in this? Besides the whole whipped cream bit... ack... must resist urge to curl up into fetal position!_

Kitty: _What did I have here last time?_

Bobby: _Thank GOD I don't have to deal with _that _anymore... except in parodies... someone up there must hate me._

Amara: _And to think, this is the only X-band I got a real part in. Wow._

Jamie: _I get to be a DJ in the next X-band again! ...oh, wait, we're not supposed to forebode... um... -elevator music-!_

Rahne: _I'm just glad there aren't any giant spiders around here... or giant white bats... or monkeys... I HATE running jokes._

Jubilee: _Stupid French guys... always stealing my boyfriends... I should go drinking with Logan and Tabby, since Ororo will be 'involved' all night..._

Sam: _Ah finally got a part... and a fic... and a permanent running joke. _

Ray: _Gotta think the same thing as the guy I hate..._

Rob: _Gotta think the same thing as the guy I hate..._

Tabitha: _Headache... my brain... gone... was it ever there?_

Piotr: _Must enjoy... last few moments of being ignored..._

John: _Flick it open, flick it shut... flick it open, flick it shut... what, you were expecting BuRn?_

JP: _Da na da na, dude looks like a lady! Da na da na, dude looks like a lady!_ (4)

Aurora: _So I'm happy here, inside these padded walls, makin' obscene telephone calls, and throwin' TV dinners to the hogs... wait... where's my tinfoil hat! The alien cornflakes are attacking! THEY'RE READING MY BRAIN! _(5) As often happens in these fics, Aurora got up, and ran off screaming... about cornflakes.

"Oh, God, not again," JP muttered, facepalming. "Somebody get some milk!"

Everyone ignored him, deciding this was a good course of action.

Renee: _J'ai besoin d'une soute pour se cacher dans... pourquoi n'y a pas il une soute! J'ai besoin d'une soute, dammit! ...I comme des lapins... ils sont délicieux. _(I need a bunker to hide in... why isn't there a bunker! ...I like bunnies... they're yummy.)

Soy: _Cávelo empuje del oh oh oh que él el oh oh oh... allí es un australiano aquí. Él es todo como "compañero de WTF?" Pero él será pronto... canguros que cogen muertos. _(Dig it oh oh oh Dig it oh oh oh There's an Australian here. He's all like "WTF mate?" But he'll be dead soon... coughcoughSTUPIDcoughcough kangaroos...) (6)

Forge: _I'm scared of bunnies. My ancestors would be_ so _proud._ (7)

Warren: _-elevator music- _(8)

Cookie: _...I SHALL CONQUER THE WORLD! ...you didn't hear that._

Magneto: _I'm named after a car part, my son is an idiot, and my daughter's a psychopath. I wonder if there is such a thing as death by muffins..._

Sabretooth: _Born free... as free as the wind blows... as free as your heart shows- WTF? Where did THAT come from?_ (9)

"...Is it over?" Bobby asked, after a minute.

"I think so," said Jubilee.

"Not just yet..." said Rogue.

Ororo tackled Forge.

"**Now **it's over."

"EEEW!"

"Shut up Jamie!"

SOMEWHERE IN HOLLYWOOD...

**Sue Anna **(tm) was sitting on a chair by a pool, sipping margaritas.

"So, how, exactly, did you get so famous so fast, **Sue Anna** (tm)?" asked an INRRJPD (I'm Not Really a Reporter, Just a Plot Device; you'd think you guys'd gotten the idea by now).

A sign came up. "It's mostly from trademarking my name. That and the death rays."

"Oh. Right."

"Get me another drink."

"But I don't work here."

"I've got a cockroach ray, too, you know."

"Yes, ma'am!"

_I love this job._

A RANDOM GUTBOMB...

Stuart the random cameo person wandered into the local Gutbomb. (10)

"Can I take your order?"

"...Are you blue?"

"Why, yes, yes I am, sir. Now, here's the important part." Mesmero jumped out of the back and began to harmonize with Apocalypse the service mutant as he sang: "Would you like an apple pie with tha-at? Would you like an apple pie with tha-at?"

Stuart ran out screaming.

"They all do that," Apocalypse sighed.

And now for the REALLY fun part: DELETED SCENES!

Take one:

-Somewhere in DC, during the Pyro Insanity chapter-

Pyro: Gotta get away from the crazy people with the rocks... -runs into park-

-Cheesy music starts to play-

Pyro: Oh, God, no.

-Random dancers pop out of nowhere-

Random Dancers: -dancing and singing- Lobster man, oh, you know it, it's lobster man! Lobster man! He can do what a lobster can!

-And then... you know it! Lobster man pops out of nowhere-

Lobster Man: I've got the ability to snap things, and I taste really good with butter! (11)

Pyro: Dancing shellfish. Oh, God. Somebody shoot me.

-No wonder this got deleted.-

Take two:

-At the Spider Monkey Temple-

Spiders: -tapdancing- One day we had a notion to sail across the ocean but we can't, cause we're extinct! (12)

Katie: It's like my worst nightmare... come to life... and singing off key! -starts to sob quietly-

M.A.: ...SOMEBODY GET THE SEDATIVE!

Jubilee: You mean the brick?

M.A.: Shh.

-...Yeah.-

Take three:

-At the mansion-

Magneto: -to Sabretooth- Would you like some more tea, Mrs. Nesbit?

Mastermind: I thought your name was Sabretooth.

Sabretooth: -stands up, screaming and pointing at his hat- I'M MRS. NESBIT! MRS. NESBIT, DAMMIT! SEE THE HAT! B SEE /B IT! (13)

Mastermind: ...

-Poor guy needs a banana.-

Take four:

-Malaysia-

Rodna: -humming-

-Logan comes running in; nope, he hasn't stopped since his final thought, nope nope-

Logan: -hearts start popping over his head-

Rodna: -screams a hamstery scream and runs away-

Logan: -tackles Rodna- Let's get drunk!

Rodna: Help... me...

The Almighty Shikaka: -wipes a tear from his eye, with subtitles- I love a happy ending.

-So do I. But that's a little creepy.-

Take five:

Rogue: That's all. That's the end. There is no take five, not really.

Kitty: She's right you know. It's all in your mind.

Pillze: -is a squirrely cameo- Drugs in your head! With the pill poppin pop pop pop more medication for all! (14)

Rogue: ...Oh, dear God.

(And that really is the end. I promise. I swear. It is. ...ok, ok, there's another X-band. But it's not Evo! So ha! It's movieverse! And it's weird! And it has Remy (unlike the lameass third movie which will have no Storgey goodness). And I know this took me an age and a day; I was working on my National Novel Writing Month project. Fanfiction takes a backseat to that. Blame my friend x1 for all the nutsness of this chapter. I really have no idea why it's so stupid. So... anyway... peace, love, and review. More muffins for all.)

(1) An alternate version of JP was the son of the Canadian Prime Minister and had a thing for Piotr. Bobby/JP is so much more kickass, though.

(2) I was watching "X-men: Revisiting Profit" again... there's a gag where Hank says "I have determined that there is indeed a traitor in our midst. Again." and everyone looks at Gambit.

(3) ...-whistles-

(4) I have never actually heard this song... I just copied that from some other fic.

(5) "Nobody Here but us Frogs." This is a real song by Weird Al, I swear!

(6) Two for one ref! The song "Dig It" off the Holes soundtrack, and the animation "End of Ze World." For the record, I like kangaroos.

(7) This is a crack I made when somebody wrote a fic for Toddfan about... well it's complicated. But there was a scene where the OC (who could talk to animals) tried to explain Forge's phobia to some rabbits. Forge passes out after screaming girlishly.

(8) It's a RUNNING JOKE. I had to stick it in there! Really!

(9) I don't know the song "Born Free" and neither does Sabertooth.

(10) Stuart is Toddfan's equivalent of Fred the Pizza Mutant.

(11) Ok... so a while ago I started trading emails with Freak87, and I have no clue how or why, but we started discussing Lobster man. And I said he was going to be in the X-band. And he was. So there.

(12) Paraphrased from the show "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy."

(13) Toy Story reference, duh.

(14) Pillzee! He's from the Foamy stuff. If you know not of our Lord and Master... you sad sad little non-cult-member you. So I'm sitting here at eleven thirty-two now, writing this out. I must be on crack.


End file.
